


What's your mea culpa?

by Connah



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Angst, Drinking, Dry Humping, Happy Ending, I love angst, Internalized Homophobia, Jacob is too good for this world, Kevin is in the closet, M/M, Slow Burn, Slurs, Switch Kevin, Top Jacob, idk what else to tag, technically switch kevin, there's some violence at the end sorry not sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:14:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 52,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26281744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Connah/pseuds/Connah
Summary: When Kevin meets Jacob it should've all been so easy. Except Kevin cannot accept himself and in the end, it causes the downfall of himself.
Relationships: Bae Joonyoung | Jacob/Moon Hyungseo | Kevin
Comments: 122
Kudos: 235





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello I'm back but this time with some moonbae :)  
> i usually write sunnewkyu i know i'll probably post some oneshot stories soon bc i can't control myself  
> also working on a sunnewkyu story right now too, but this one is closer to completion so i'll get this one out of the way!
> 
> As usual, please read the tags <3 thank you

Kevin didn’t exactly want to come to college. He was fine in his tiny town, full of closed minded friends, living the ~~lie~~ life he always had been. Honestly he was scared of change. Because change didn’t care about your past or what you did, but sometimes it made it harder.

Kevin didn’t want his life to be harder.

College was nerve wracking for anyone. Being removed from everyone and everything you knew, shoved together in a dormitory with a stranger. He had practically begged his parents to let him attend a community college so he could stay at home but his parents sought that sending him to some place new would be better for him.

_‘You’ll grow as a person’_ They said _‘You’ll learn to stand on your own two feet.’_

What was that supposed to mean?

Honestly he would’ve just been happy to find a part-time job until he ‘found himself’ but thankfully his parents wanted better than that.

He enrolled in his classes, just a mix of what he liked. Psychology, fine art, sociology. His parents didn’t care what he studied as long as he enjoyed it and kept it up. But now that he was here even his favorite subjects seemed intimidating.

Not knowing anyone… Starting anew. Didn’t most kids crave this sort of thing? It was the perfect opportunity to start over. To be whoever he wanted to be… Just… Kevin had always been afraid of who he really wanted to be.

His friends from high school were small minded to say the least. Definitely an ‘in with the wrong crowd’ kind of guy, Kevin never really fitted their mold as a friend but he also never went against it.

The disgusting sexist jokes, the bullying, the homophobia. He wasn’t proud that he hung out with people like that, but once you were in with a group of friends like that it was pretty hard to get out… Especially when over half of their insults could be used against you if you tried.

_‘Look at that fucking faggot.’ ‘Hey! Did your boyfriend fuck you too hard that’s why you can’t walk straight?’ ‘I saw him having a hard on in the shower cubicles after gym class, he probably was looking at me!’_

The fear to be who he wanted to be was real.

Kids could be so cruel, he thought. So it was always better to play it safe and never show any weakness or areas they could attack. Sadly that led to many times Kevin having to join in on this bullying in order to ‘protect himself’. In typical pack mentality ‘if he didn’t fight with them, he was against them’. And Kevin was too afraid to see what happened if he went against them.

But then… Wasn’t college the perfect place to free yourself?

Kevin couldn’t even stomach the thought.

That was probably the empty stomach talking, as he headed to his first ever college level psychology class. It was okay to be nervous, he told himself.

He was still adjusting to living with a roommate for the first time, it was okay to be nervous on the first day of class. It was okay to feel completely overwhelmed by the sheer amount of freedom he suddenly had to make his own decisions and not be compelled by the actions of others-

“Excuse me.” A soft voice broke Kevin’s downward spiraling thoughts.

He unclenched his fists curled up on the desk that he didn’t even remember getting to as his mind was totally preoccupied up until that moment.

He looked up, noticing the guy standing next to him and suddenly he felt all the stress on his mind seemingly run away.

He was cute, more than cute really but Kevin couldn’t quite place a word on it. Large, round eyes, dyed auburn hair. His mouth hung open as if he asked a question and was waiting for a reply and Kevin noticed the arch of his lips- Oh wait, maybe he did ask a question.

“Sorry?” Kevin shook his head as if it would make his ears work again. Well, it did.

“I said, is this seat taken?” The boy pointed to the chair next to Kevin.

Kevin glanced down to it and then back up at the boy. Dammit, how hard was it to answer a simple question? He felt like a fool just for staring and eventually his willpower persevered through to make the words leave his mouth.

“Oh um yeah sure, help yourself.” He answered in a jumbled and rushed sentence.

Help yourself? What was this, a buffet?

“Thanks.” The guy replied. Kevin slunk down in his chair as if he was trying to disappear.

“So psychology huh?” The guy tried to strike up a conversation. Kevin felt his chest implode. God why did he have to be so awkward sometimes?

Meeting somebody for the first time was always so hard. How long until you could start with the self-depreciating jokes or the dark humor? But still… Kevin actually really wanted to talk to this boy.

“Do you want to know how to get into people’s minds or are you just a fan of Freud?”

Kevin leaned his head back a little.

“I mean, Freud kinda sucked, right?” Kevin spat out automatically “All that talk about penis envy.”

Oh great, he thought. It hadn’t even been ten seconds and he was talking how dicks.

Never the less, the boy laughed at him.

“Okay, alright class!” The professor spoke up just in time. Kevin would’ve actually died if he had to continue from there.

The class continued, and Kevin couldn’t help himself. The occasional glance to his right side, towards the guy sat next to him.

Kevin was curious.

It was bad to be curious, he learned. But in his high school days curiosity was a joke between his friends to get them into trouble. Whether it was sending gay porn videos while in the middle of class to embarrass each other or faking confessions to the ‘losers’. Kevin had seen how curiosity hurt people. It didn’t pay to be curious… But he couldn’t help it.

This guy sitting next to him, tapping his fingers against an empty notebook, spinning a pencil in one hand. Kevin even glanced up to his face a few times to see his expression. So calm and sweet. The one time the boy glanced back at him Kevin dodged it like it was a bullet. Too quickly to see the smirk appear on the others face as it was obvious Kevin was avoiding staring at him.

“Now to encourage camaraderie between your classmates I’m going to set a task.” The professor announced near the end of class.

“Already? It’s the first day.” Kevin hissed under his breath. Was college really going to be like this? All work and no play?

“Please turn to the person next to you and introduce yourselves. You will both be completing a presentation about one of the topics I uploaded on the shared space online. Please refer to it.”

Kevin could already feel the eyes on him as he turned nervously towards the boy to his side. Fate really was working against him today, testing in him in so many ways he wished was never happening.

“I’m Jacob. And I agree too, Freud was a bit of a weirdo.” The guy introduced himself. Kevin felt like sinking into the floor, he couldn’t believe he had remembered what he said from the beginning of this lecture up until now, what a pointless piece of information to withhold.

Yet it was also very endearing.

“I’m Kevin.”

The students around them began to pack up, prompting Kevin to do the same yet Jacob seemed to move slower.

“Have you got another class now?” Jacob asked. Kevin pushed his still empty notebook into his bag before looking up to him. Gosh, he was so pretty. Kevin needed to stop thinking about that.

“I have an hour to kill. Fine art.” He informed the other. Jacob pouted in contemplation at his choice of subjects.

“Fine art and psychology? An unusual combination.” Jacob commented. Finally he picked up his bag too and the two of them began to walk out.

“What can I say, I’m an unusual guy.”

“So can I get your number?”

Kevin suddenly froze. Did he just accidentally insinuate he was gay? Was Jacob coming onto him? Kevin quickly found himself becoming flustered with a lack of response and Jacob noticed it.

“For the project. I- uh figured if we’re gonna work on it we’re gonna have to- you know- hang out.” Jacob explained, his voice slightly jittery as nerves showed through too.

Ugh, of course. Kevin cursed himself.

“Ah right, the project yeah!” He was maybe a bit too overly peppy about the project in some attempt to salvage the new friendship. Especially because that’s all it was going to be. Friendship. Kevin was calling it now.

“So can I?”

“What?”

“Your number.”

“Oh. Yeah, right, of course!” Kevin internally smacked himself across the face. Jacob literally had just said that moments before.

Kevin pulled out his phone, unlocking it before passing it to Jacob to type his number in.

“Whoa, did you make that yourself?” Jacob exclaimed. Before he swiped for the call screen he caught a glimpse of Kevin’s phone wallpaper. Kevin suddenly felt pretty proud and confident.

“Yeah, I draw all the time, it’s my passion.”

“I can see.” Jacob sounded impressed. He finished saving his number to Kevin’s phone before handing it back.

“Art is so cool, I wish I could draw.”

“I’d offer to teach you but my style is kinda weird.” Kevin said with modesty in his voice. Jacob chuckled a little and Kevin felt his heart melt.

“I mean, you’re a little weird I think. But in a good way.” Jacob commented, Kevin choked on a laugh at the slight backhanded compliment.

The two of them lingered in the hallway, Kevin scratching at his neck awkwardly as Jacob simply looked around and down to the ground. What was this weird feeling Kevin was experiencing? What was up with Jacob too? Did he feel whatever this was? Eventually Jacob broke the silence between them.

“So I’ll text you, yeah?”

“Oh, yeah, bet!” Kevin nodded affirmatively, as if he was agreeing to a business deal. Jacob smirked at him once more, making Kevin chuckle nervously back.

“See you around?”

“See ya.”

* * *

He thought a little too much about that first encounter during his wait until the next class. Jacob was… Pretty handsome, if Kevin could say so himself.

Kevin liked boys, that much he knew, but acting on it? Never in a million years did he think he could do that. The trauma of high school and what his ‘friends’ would think sat heavily in his mind still, even the thought of admitting he liked a guy was something to shudder about.

Class finally began and Kevin joined a table. He looked around and the first person that caught his eye was clearly the pink haired boy sat opposite him who looked like he was barely paying attention.

Kevin’s eyes ran across his clothes, heavily accessorized but not over done, Kevin could see he was clearly creative. Soon the ice breakers began and he took the chance to introduce himself.

“Hey I’m Kevin. Did you sew that jacket yourself?” He walked straight up to the pink haired boy to ask.

“Chanhee. And yeah, it’s kind of my hobby right now.”

This seemed better, Kevin thought. No awkward feelings just general conversation. Kevin didn’t feel intimidated when Chanhee looked at him or when he talked about something they had in common, maybe it was because they both clearly enjoyed art.

Before Kevin knew it the class was over and students were filing out.

Kevin’s phone buzzed in his pocket.

_Hey :) You know the cafe by the main gate? Meet me there after u finish class tomorrow! My friend works there, he can get us free drinks_

Even with no name Kevin knew exactly who it was and his heart thumped heavily. Dammit, what was this stupid feeling he kept getting at the thought of Jacob?

_Bet! I’ll be over about 3 :)_

He replied.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If once again you haven't noticed... I don't beta read anything I post. Sorry for any mistakes!

The next day seemed to drag in comparison with the first. Now that ice breakers were over and regular classes were commencing, Kevin was already feeling the dread. And on top of that he already had that psychology project due in three weeks.

As his last classes ended his mind drifted to that once again.

Jacob. He didn’t really know much about him other than he was cute. Strictly aesthetically speaking, of course. There was no way that Kevin would think that otherwise. Even if he did like guys…

Once again he pushed that from his mind. Maybe some people came to college looking for romance, but Kevin didn’t even know why he was here in the first place. He was taking generic classes, was an undeclared major, pretty much typical of nearly everyone who attended college and didn’t have a clue what they wanted to do in life.

But college was also a place to figure all that stuff out. Too bad Kevin didn’t really want to do that either.

He found himself speeding up as he walked on over to the cafe where he was supposed to meet Jacob. Did that make him too eager if he arrived too quickly? Would Jacob care if he was maybe five minutes late? Kevin was putting way too much thought into it but eventually he arrived outside the cafe at the exactly time he said he would be there and he half wanted to curse himself for being so lame and on time.

The cafe was moderately busy as Kevin walked through the door and immediately in his line of sight was Jacob leaning on the barista’s counter. He felt his lips twist into a smile even if he didn’t want to, it happened.

“Hey.” Jacob greeted as he noticed him at the door. As Kevin approached him he realized the barista lingering nearby must have been his friend.

“Younghoon, this is Kevin. Kevin, Younghoon.” He introduced.

Damn, were all of Jacob’s friends attractive? Was it some sort of prerequisite? Younghoon looked like he was the model for the cafe, not the barista. Tall, pretty features, soft expression. Kevin was definitely feeling inferior already.

“We’ve been friends since high school when we met in a club, then he decided to follow me here too.” Jacob poked fun at his friend. Kevin smirked lopsidedly and laughed a little.

“Cool, so are you two roommates too?”

“Nah, I wouldn’t want to live with him.” Younghoon commented. Jacob practically rolled his eyes at his friend and sighed.

“No, this fool here applied for residence too late. So now he has to live off campus with a bunch of hot guys-” Jacob returned and when Younghoon coughed abruptedly he realized the choice of words he had let slip.

It didn’t go unnoticed by Kevin at all.

Did that mean they-

“Should we go sit down? Younghoon will bring us our drinks, right?” Jacob strained quickly with a heavy stare at Younghoon to play along. It took his taller friend a second to recover before to joined in.

“Oh yeah sure, what do you want?”

“Vanilla latte.” Jacob answered before quickly leaving to find a table, Kevin still stood slightly dazed from moments earlier.

“And you?” Younghoon prompted him out of his daze.

“Uh, same yeah.” He said half distracted as he followed behind Jacob.

_Hot guys_. Nobody just said that sort of thing, did they? No one that Kevin knew at least, but then again his group of friends weren’t reputable for tolerating each other never mind commenting things like that. Even if it was true. Maybe he was just stating something obvious… Or maybe, just maybe-

“So I had a look over the topics the professor set online, and I think there’s one that’s pretty easy to do.” Jacob completely steered clear of that subject from before and honestly Kevin could breathe a sigh of relief.

Even if Jacob was gay too that didn’t mean a thing. It didn’t mean Jacob liked Kevin, even if Kevin liked Jacob _like that_ in the first place. Which, he didn’t… Definitely not.

Jacob flipped open his laptop on the table, opening the power point file that he had made quickly some time day he turned it to show Kevin the screen.

“Do creative people view optical illusions differently from analytical people.” Kevin read directly from the screen as he sat down. Jacob smiled confidently.

“So you know the theory about left and right side dominant brained people, don’t you?” Jacob continued. Kevin looked up as Jacob turned the laptop back to himself, flicking through the slides a little to look at some notes he had taken and Kevin’s look softened.

He was pretty passionate about this already, Kevin could tell. It was pretty admirable. In a totally platonic way, of course. He lost track a little as Jacob steered through the information he had pre-typed out before Kevin managed to zoom back into reality.

“So since optical illusions are tricks on the brain, wouldn’t it make sense for the ‘dominant’ side to try and figure it out?” He looked at Kevin for his approval.

“Sounds good, let’s do it.” Kevin agreed simply, honestly there was no way that he could match Jacob’s enthusiasm on the subject, so he just let him have it.

“Great. So which side are you? No wait! Let me guess.” Jacob jumped through quickly, making Kevin a tilt his head back in confusion.

“L-hmmm, no. Right!”

“Incorrect my friend.” Kevin leaned back in his chair as now it was Jacob’s turn to be confused.

“What? But you’re in fine arts class, and you’re literally an artist.” Jacob argued. Kevin stretched his back as he listened with amusement.

“Yeah but I like to look at all the details, patterns, logic. I’m a bit of an over analyzer when it comes to things.”

God, if only Jacob knew half of it.

“No way.” Jacob huffed as he folded his arms over his chest. “I don’t believe you.”

“You don’t believe that I’m smart?” Kevin joked with a laugh, and instantly Jacob tried to defend himself.

“No, I didn’t say that!” His face dropped, Kevin laughed a little harder to make sure he know he was kidding.

“I mean it’s just that you seem creative, artistic, intuitive.” Jacob began to list off, Kevin suddenly was listening intently. How Jacob’s voice seemed to soften. But honestly, did he really know him that well? They had one class together so far and texted a few times.

“They’re all right side dominant traits, aren’t they?”

“You’ve got a point.” Kevin admitted, slinking forward to place his hands on the table.

“Then let’s do a test.” Jacob said as he already began typing it into the search engine. “Then we can know for sure.”

After a few minutes searching, Jacob coughed and sat up straight behind his laptop. Kevin smirked at him attempting to act serious.

“Okay, number one. I never show up late.”

“Y-…..Yes.” Kevin drawled out the first syllable a little too long which made Jacob arch his eyebrow at him. Damn Kevin wished he didn’t catch that. How could a simple eyebrow raise look so attractive?

“Why did you stall?” He quizzed Kevin, Kevin rolled his eyes sarcastically.

“I was on time to meet you, wasn’t I?”

“Maybe that’s just because you were excited to see me.” Jacob replied, making Kevin’s heart jump in his chest.

“Okay number two.”

Kevin cursed himself. Was that really why he rushed over here? Was he just not punctual in general anyway? Why was he suddenly questioning his own motives?

“I work well in groups.” 

Kevin sat back and folded his arms at this one.

“Well, what do you think?”

Jacob pushed the laptop slightly aside to look at him properly, and instantly Kevin was full of regrets. Jacob laced his fingers together as he brought them to cover his mouth, intensifying his stare as he tried to ‘read’ Kevin to gain an answer. If Kevin could move he would be squirming but Jacob’s gaze had him locked in place.

His breath hitching, inwardly Kevin was begging for him to hurry up and come to a conclusion so he could remove this growing feeling inside of him.

“Here you are, two vanilla lattes.” Younghoon suddenly interrupted. He placed the two cups down on the table between them, Jacob’s eyes broke away from Kevin to look up to his friend and Kevin used that distraction to grab his drink and gulp at it.

Why was he so flustered? That was totally unlike him. Kevin was unbothered by literally everything usually, he had to learn to be like that otherwise it could make him vulnerable at a later date. But Jacob simply just looked at him and it had Kevin wanting to burst at the seems.

Oh no. Did he… Like him?

Kevin continued to gulp at his drink as Jacob waved his friend away.

“Where were we- Kevin?” Jacob tilted his head, confused.

Kevin put his drink down, realizing he had devoured over half of it already.

“I was just… Really thirsty.” He replied.

They continued through the statements before Jacob hit the ‘submit’ button. He scooted his chair closer to the side, turning his laptop so Kevin could see as the results appeared on the screen.

“See! Told ya! Left side!” Kevin hummed brightly in success. Jacob huffed a laugh as Kevin did a slight victory dance in his seat.

“Great. So we’ve got one left side and one right side brained. We can complete this between us easily.” Jacob added, turning the laptop back onto the power point he had prepared earlier.

“What, you’re right side dominant?” Kevin cricked his neck at Jacob. Jacob stopped typing and grinned at him back.

“Yeah, why are you surprised?”

“Because you’re in a psychology class.”

“And you’re in a fine arts class.” Jacob leaned in to taunt Kevin at his dumb response. Kevin didn’t immediately notice the closeness until then next line.

“Guess there’s lots of surprises just waiting to come out, hm?”

Kevin felt like he had just been hit over the head.

Was that aimed at him? Was Jacob hinting at himself? He had no idea and this new dizziness wasn’t helping at all.

“So I’ll find some optical illusions and create a survey. Then we can disseminate it in our class. What do you think?”

Kevin’s mind was lagging at what ‘surprises’ could be waiting to come out. His eyes roamed slowly up Jacob, Kevin’s stomach twisting in some weird way he couldn’t quite put his finger on which left him both uncomfortable and curious. And he really didn’t like to be curious.

“Kevin?” Jacob said once again. Finally Kevin looked up at him.

“Yeah, it sounds good.”


	3. Chapter 3

Their meetings became more frequent. Kevin really began to like college life after the two weeks, and honestly Jacob was kind of the best part.

During class they shared notes, Kevin was an expert on short-handing whatever the professor meant, whereas Jacob was keen to get to whole picture. So together they worked well and shared their points. Even in fine arts class Kevin was exceeding his own expectations. He already began to work on his portfolio and was even complimented on his understanding of modernism versus cubism.

Their psychology project was coming along well. Kevin handled the data crunching and Jacob formatted it into graphs onto the power point. Of course it wasn’t just all work and no play, Kevin… Actually really got along with Jacob.

He was funny, their sense of humor matched. Either that or Jacob was just too polite to tell Kevin to shut the fuck up whenever he laughed so hard he fell out of his chair. But for the most part he really seemed to like it.

And Kevin liked him.

Oh, shit. Maybe he actually did like him.

It was an after thought after every day ended. Kevin did his best repressing whatever feeling bubbled in his stomach whenever Jacob looked at him a little too long or said something which could definitely be interpreted in other ways.

It was harmless. As long as Kevin didn’t do anything about it, which he never intended on in the first place, it was harmless. Also he had no idea if Jacob was gay or not. Or even bisexual, or in any way attracted to men and Kevin certainly didn’t want to know.

Because… If there was a chance… Even a slight one, Kevin just didn’t want to know. It would be too much.

The thought of actually owning up to it. To his own feelings, to admitting he liked men, admitting that he could be with one, that he could… do things… No, even that thought was enough to make his stomach churn and make him feel sick.

What would his friends back home think? What would the people around him think? He didn’t want to show them that side of him, show any weakness. He just wanted to look normal. That’s all.

He pushed those useless thoughts to the back of his mind again. It was never going to get that far anyway, he never had to worry about that at least. They would finish this project.. Then return to desk mates during class most likely. Kevin gulped. He at least hoped they could be on some level of friendship after this project ends.

And it started just like any other time. Kevin walking perhaps a bit too quickly to the cafe where Younghoon worked. He still didn’t know too much about Younghoon, just that him and Jacob were pretty close.

As he walked through the door he saw Jacob in his usual stance, leaning over the counter to talk to Younghoon who was smiling back at him.

…Maybe a little too close.

Kevin lingered and watched for a minute. Jacob not catching sight of him just yet as he talked to Younghoon. Apparently he said something funny because Younghoon erupted in laughter shortly after it, and Kevin felt a strange sensation in his chest as he watched him laugh.

“Oh, Kevin! There you are.” Jacob welcomed him as he looked towards the door finally. Kevin couldn’t bring himself to smile as he approached the two of them warily.

“Should we go?” Jacob hopped down from leaning over the counter, Younghoon’s laughter came to a slow stop as he greeted Kevin with a wave.

“The usual?”

“Thank you” Jacob sang a little, grabbing his bag as he headed off to a table. “And see you tonight!”

Tonight? Kevin’s mind stuck on that word.

What’s tonight?

Kevin sauntered to the back of the cafe too. Jacob was already setting the laptop up. They had a week left on this project, so now really they were just compiling everything together and going over their notes on how to present it.

Kevin was the best at public speaking between them, it was decided. Jacob putting it down to ‘his witty charm and ability to light up a room with humor.’ Again, Kevin didn’t know how deep to delve into that compliment.

But right now he couldn’t focus on anything other than what was ‘tonight’. He had always wondered how close him and Younghoon were, and now things were even more in question as Kevin fidgeted in his chair while tapping his fingers on the edge of the table in agitation.

“Okay so let’s s-” Jacob began to move forward, but Kevin’s mind spilled out and pulled them back.

“What’s tonight?” He found himself asking without a filter. Jacob blinked in surprise a few times.

“What do you mean?” He was genuinely confused. Kevin raised a hand in question.

“You and Younghoon, what’s tonight? What are you doing?” Kevin really couldn’t control himself as his thoughts spilled out.

Jacob sat back for a second, wondering how to tackle this. Kevin didn’t even look up at him, giving him time to mull over things in his mind. He could just be straight forward and honest with Kevin about it… Or he could play around and see what was really on his mind… He chose the latter.

“Oh you know. Just club stuff. I’d invite you, but it’s members only” Jacob hummed as he clicked around aimlessly on the power point before him. Kevin glanced up a little.

“What kinda club?”

“It’s just a small gathering, with some friends. If they come, that it. It might just be me and Younghoon again.”

Again? Honestly, what right did Kevin have to be perusing around the idea that they could possibly hang out alone. They were best friends, right?

But he couldn’t help it. It was like there was a heat in his stomach billowing up making him just say whatever was on his mind.

“I see.” Kevin chewed on his lip a little in an attempt to stem the conversation. But then he quickly changed his mind.

“Is it the same kind of club you and Younghoon met in school?”

Jacob stopped typing and looked up to Kevin is pleasant surprise.

“Actually, yeah.” His tone was calm and polite. It drove Kevin crazy. Why couldn’t Jacob just be straight forward with him? And why did it bother him so much? He couldn’t pinpoint why.

“So about the presentation I-” Jacob began to divert back to business, but Kevin butted in one last time.

“So is it like a date?”

“What?” Jacob’s voice full of shock as he practically choked on air, his eyes wide at Kevin.

Kevin finally looked back at Jacob. The shock said it all, right? It was true! They must be dating! Kevin felt his heart become heavy and he desperately tried to ignore it.

“You and Younghoon. You said you both met in this club in high school, and then he followed you here. Now you’re both in a ‘club’ again?” Kevin totally had this wrong and Jacob didn’t know whether to laugh or stop him. Instead he remained quiet out of shock and Kevin took that as his accusations were true.

“So are you and Younghoon dating?”

“Hah, he wishes!” A familiar voice rang from behind Kevin and immediately the black haired boy wanted to disappear.

Younghoon placed the two vanilla lattes down on the table, laughing the entire time as he glanced back and forth between the two partners.

“Jacob’s not exactly my type. And I don’t think I’m his either-” Younghoon mentioned, prompting a ‘shut up’ under the breath from Jacob as he shooed him away from the table.

Kevin sunk further down his chair.

How embarrassing. He really just assumed like that? Just because they were friends? Kevin wished the ground would open up and swallow him whole right now, he could see absolutely no redemption from this.

“Kevin.” Jacob’s voice broke his spiraling downward. The softness was just enough to have Kevin peak back up to him.

“It’s the college’s LGBT club.” He stated for simply, Kevin’s grip around the rim of his chair grew a little tighter.

“Then… You’re-”

“I’m gay, yes.” Jacob finished for him. Kevin’s chest practically strangulated him as he shook a breath out of his lungs.

The silence said so much and also nothing at all. The air was unreadable as Kevin’s mouth moved as if he wanted to say something about it.

What did he want to say? ‘Awesome, me too but I’m not out yet. In fact I never actually plan on coming out, I’m just going to act content living in the closet for the rest of my life and hopefully one day find myself a beard who realizes just how repulsed I am by myself and my past thoughts has made me totally incapable of being true to myself, so yeah, can I join?’

….

Kevin continued to stay quiet.

“That’s not a problem for you… Is it?” Jacob’s voice sounded strained and it sent Kevin immediately into panic.

Oh no. His silence made him think he hated him. Or worse, that he was homophobic. Kevin didn’t actually know which one seemed worse honestly, but either way Jacob took his silence negatively directed at himself and Kevin felt incredibly guilty for that.

“What? No! No of course not, psht!” Kevin exacerbated ever word from his mouth, waving his hands around dramatically for added effect. Jacob watched in amusement as his eyebrows raised further and further up with each dramatic movement.

“That’s totally fine with me! In fact, better than fine, ya know? Awesome!” Okay Kevin really needed to tone it down, he coughed a few times and looked everywhere, literally everywhere other than Jacob for the moment.

“Really? Alright, cool.” Jacob finally nodded back in agreement, hiding his laughter a little to save Kevin from further embarrassment. It was cute, he thought. How hard Kevin was trying to calm himself down right now. It was obvious he was a mess in more ways than one.

Fuck, Kevin was so dumb, how did he not see this before? He liked Jacob. As in, _like liked_ Jacob and now knowing that there was even that slight bit of a chance Kevin was spiraling quickly and he was absolutely overwhelmed by it.

But Jacob kept calm, typing away at his laptop once again he totally ignored Kevin’s internal meltdown as he came to terms with it.

Yes, he did like Jacob. His first possibly requited crush and he was not handling it well at all.

“Hah…” Jacob huffed a small chuckle. Kevin felt his heart skip a beat as he brought his eyes up to check what was so funny.

“Me and Younghoon, good one.” Jacob was seemingly talking to himself. Kevin felt like smacking himself across the face. Yeah, that was probably really funny for two long term best friends, wasn’t it? It wasn’t so funny for Kevin who was now fixated on how cute Jacob’s lips looked when they turned upwards in the tiny smile that seemingly was hiding something.

Suddenly Jacob looked over at him. Kevin felt his heart jump into his throat as he did his best not to look like a deer caught in the headlights. Jacob moved as the lower half of his face became hidden behind the computer screen, stopping Kevin from knowing when to prepare himself for what he was about to say next.

“You weren’t jealous, were you?”

Fuck that was exactly it. The thing he was feeling before. That burning sensation.

Kevin had been jealous.


	4. Chapter 4

Younghoon didn’t work every day, so for that reason sometimes Jacob and Kevin had to switch up. The common space, the library, the latter being where they were today with just a little less than a week to go they supposed the quiet environment would help them concentrate too.

Except it really didn’t help Kevin. He didn’t mind sitting in the quietness on his own but when Jacob was sat in front of him something was definitely distracting him.

He glanced up, each time his eyes latched onto Jacob. The other boy simply just facing down, staring at his collection of notes. Chewing on the end of his pencil mindlessly as sometimes his eyebrows furrowed as he tried to recall or remember information.

Kevin hated that he was staring at him. It was just too easy. Watching him was almost relaxing as Jacob’s teeth nipped at the pencil. He had cute teeth, Kevin thought.

Was that weird? It sounded it in his head.

He shook those thoughts away, physically as he twisted his head from side to side causing Jacob to look up to him in concern.

“Are you okay?” He asked. Jacob pursed his lips together.

“Yeah I just-”

_Can’t get you out of my mind_ His thoughts finished off, Kevin feeling his chest tighten as he controlled himself enough not to spill that out.

“I’ve got a headache.” He lied.

Jacob sighed quietly, not wanting to be too loud in the library of all places. Placing his pencil down he stretched a little.

“Let’s take a break, shall we?”

Jacob stood up, heading towards the library exit, leaving Kevin very confused.

He was just going to leave all of this stuff here? Really? The boy was way too trusting. Kevin leaned over and asked another student to mind their belongings before quickly running out after Jacob to catch up.

“You just left your computer behind, are you crazy?” Kevin said as he caught up with Jacob, who was wandering without a care in the world.

“It’s just college, where is it gonna go?” Jacob shrugged back.

“In somebody else’s backpack if you’re not careful.” Kevin mumbled back.

“I think they’ve got cameras for a reason.”

They continued to walk, in silence, Jacob coming out of the building and into the fresh air he took a deep breath in to relax his body. Kevin watched him, as the jacket around his shoulders raised and fell, how the slight breeze pushed his hair back. There really were so many simple and small things about other people that Kevin had never noticed before because he had spent so long shutting himself away from it all.

Man, if he ever told any of his old friends they had pretty eyelashes he would’ve been beaten up there on the spot.

“You should try it.” Jacob’s voice broke the silence. Kevin blinked in confusion.

“Huh? Try what?”

“Breathing. You always look like you’re about to explode. Is there something on your mind?”

Jacob looked over to the black-haired boy. Soft eyes meeting Kevin’s wide ones as he stared back in awe. Was he really such an open book? Or was it how big of a mess he was around Jacob too painfully obvious to ignore anymore?

“Just…” Kevin began, even though he wasn’t sure where to start.

Looking at Jacob pulled feelings from him that he had never experienced before? Feelings that he always knew he was capable of but was able to repress so well over the years that were now suddenly surfacing and he didn’t exactly know how to handle them? Yeah, that would totally make sense right now.

“The project ya know? It’s my first big college thing, I don’t want to screw it up.” He lied. It wasn’t totally a lie, he was stressed over it, but that definitely wasn’t the reason he felt like imploding every time he was around Jacob.

“And you won’t.” Jacob replied simply. He stopped walking, making Kevin stop too and listen fully.

“Kevin you’re really smart. And you’ve contributed all these cool ideas that I would never have came up on my own. You know you’re pretty insightful.”

Kevin felt his heart swell, if that was even physically possible. A smile growing on his face as his features softened. Jacob noticed it too, huffing a little through his nose in recognition.

“ For a left brainer.” He finished. Kevin spat out a burst of a laugh at him.

“Yeah? Well you’re a little too observant for a right brainer, why did we never test you again?” Kevin teased back instantly.

“Because I know exactly who I am.” Jacob retaliated with full confidence.

Kevin felt his heart sink heavily in his chest. Kevin did know who he was… He was just scared to show it.

“That’s not to say you don’t know who you are I just.” Jacob continued with a sigh, catching Kevin’s attention once more.

“I’ve had a lot of time I guess.”

Kevin tilted his head, understanding what he was getting at but… Could Kevin ask about that sort of thing? Did Jacob want him to?

“Is this about you being… You know.” Ugh he couldn’t even say it. What a joke that Kevin couldn’t even spit out that single three lettered word that had literally plagued his entire high school life.

“Me being gay? I guess.” Jacob continued without flinching. Kevin felt relief fall over his body. It seemed so easy to him. Kevin felt conflicted.

If accepting it meant that you could live your life more easily, shouldn’t he want that?

No, it was too risky… Definitely not worth it, he thought.

“I went through a lot in high school, I got bullied for it. Eventually I learned, well ‘why do I have to be sad just because they can’t be happy with themselves’?” Jacob spoke so frankly and simply that Kevin was hooked onto every word. He didn’t even realize Jacob had turned them around to walk back to the library.

Kevin was falling deep into the pits of his own mind again. Jacob was exactly the type that he and his friends would’ve picked on too.

Now he couldn’t imagine it. Picking on somebody for something so minuscule as who they liked. Of course Kevin saw it from much closer to home, even if Jacob didn’t know it. But damn he wished he had Jacob’s attitude even just a few months ago.

“I learned to ignore it. I think the people who picked on me had their own issues they were deflecting, so once I stopped retaliating they stopped too.”

Ouch. It was almost like he was speaking directly to Kevin’s fears and it made him scared once again. Did Jacob see it? Did he know Kevin was just hiding in the closet or something? He felt frozen once again but he knew if he didn’t say anything that Jacob would just assume he wasn't supportive of his struggles and Kevin definitely didn’t want that.

He understood. He understood it completely.

“That’s pretty brave.” Kevin managed to mutter. Jacob waved it off with a slight laugh.

“Not really. I just wanted to be happy, so why should their opinions affect that?”

The quietness that fell between them wasn’t uncomfortable at all as they reached the outside of the library again.

“Anyway” Jacob broke once more. Kevin glanced up to look at him again. “Let’s review. Who purposed the left and right side brain theory?”

The sudden quiz startled Kevin as almost took a step back in surprise.

“Uh, Roger Sperry.”

“Right. And when was the first optical illusion recorded?” Jacob continued. Kevin loved a bit of competition, and now he knew what was coming he felt more prepared for it.

“450 B.C however the first modern optical illusion was 1826.” He answered smugly, even earning a look of affirmation from Jacob for covering both bases.

“Great, and last question.”

“Shoot.” Kevin said with his chest puffed out.

“Do you think I’m cute?”

Now he definitely wasn’t expecting that.

“What?” He did his best not to stutter, suddenly it felt like he just took a dodgeball to the side of the head. He felt dizzy and light headed. Did he hear Jacob right? Surely not.

“Just kidding, I knew it would throw you.” Jacob chuckled. It didn’t help Kevin at all as he remained stuck on what Jacob had just asked him.

‘Do you think I’m cute?’

Did he really want him to answer?

“Come on. Let’s head back inside.” Jacob pushed through the entrance. Kevin paused for a second before joining him.


	5. Chapter 5

Whenever Younghoon wasn’t working, they met in the library. Apparently the incentive of free drinks and seeing a friend were the only things that drove Jacob to that place. Kevin didn’t mind at all, actually maybe he preferred studying in the library because well… There was less of a chance to talk. Not that Kevin didn’t want to talk to Jacob, it was quite the opposite. Whenever they talked Kevin felt electrified, Jacob laughed at all his terrible jokes, they got along so well and Kevin got to see just how funny, smart, handsome, and interesting Jacob was in new ways all of the time.

Which is exactly why he didn’t want to talk to him.

It paralyzed him more and more. These feelings growing beyond the cage that he was trying to keep them trapped in. He didn’t want to slip up. He didn’t want to surrender himself over and be vulnerable, he saw what could happen if he did that. He was the one that used to do it, after all.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. Absentmindedly he picked it out and opened it.

_Jacob:_

_Sorry, change of plans! I ran into some friends omw to the library. Come hang with us for a min :)_

Kevin felt his phone vibrate with the message from Jacob and tilted his head at it. Friends? Did he mean that LGBT club thing? Suddenly Kevin felt palpitations in his chest.

Did Jacob know?

It was totally irrational, totally out of the water to even think that Jacob knew he was gay. He had done nothing untoward, had he? Nothing except that momentary jealousy he experienced against Younghoon but surely that didn’t give anything away. Whatever, he was totally overreacting, he constantly reminded himself. Jacob text their location and Kevin headed that way instead.

“Hey, here he is.” He heard Younghoon tell Jacob as he prodded his arm for the attention. Jacob turned to greet Kevin enthusiastically with a smile and a wave and already Kevin could feel his heart jumping in his chest. He really had to calm down.

As he got a little closer however a familiar face came into view.

“Chanhee?” He muttered to himself, unheard by the others as he got close enough for Jacob to introduce that he was here.

“Guys this is Jacob, he’s my project partner for psychology.”

“Hey guys.” Kevin announced with a vague salute before awkwardly dropping his hand to the back of his head to try and pass it off as nothing. Still he couldn’t stop looking at Chanhee, who definitely recognized him back as they had literally talked in class before, but right now he was acting like a total stranger…

‘Did I do something wrong?’ Kevin thought.

“Are they all uh-” Kevin awkwardly scratched the back of his head as he looked back to Jacob once more.

“Part of your club?” He said it a little lower as if Jacob was going to be the only one to hear it, but it became clear that everyone else did as someone else answered.

“Club?” A brown haired boy asked with a tilt of his head.

Jacob choked back a small laugh and held a hand up to explain.

“The LGBT club.” He clarified to the friend, which immediately made Chanhee start laughing.

“Oh yeah, Jacob just collects gays only.” He chuckled, Kevin had no idea what to make of that. Should he laugh? Was it funny? Chanhee seemed to think so but what if it was sarcastic? Kevin couldn’t read the air.

“The best part about that is that it’s true.” Younghoon laughed a little too, much to Jacob’s demise as he rolled his eyes to his best friend.

“I mean yeah, I guess-” Jacob stressed with a glare at Younghoon and then to Chanhee. He turned back to Kevin as if to reassure him.

“But that’s not how we originally met.”

Jacob gestured at the brown haired boy.

“That’s Changmin, he’s my roommate. You already know Younghoon obviously.” Jacob then turned to Chanhee to introduce him.

“And this is Chanhee, Changmin’s best friend.”

“We’ve met.” Chanhee said the moment after Jacob finished, throwing Kevin off a little. Why didn’t he say something earlier?

“Oh?” Jacob said with a tilt of his head, obviously confused too.

Chanhee turned to look Kevin up and down, in some unreadable way that made Kevin stiffen and look back at him intently. It was like he wanted Kevin to do the work now.

“Yeah… We met in fine art class.” Kevin reeled off slowly, earning a nod from Chanhee as if he had done well.

“Oh yeah, Chanhee is really good at fashion and design.” Jacob seemed to recall in a murmur before he turned to look at the pink haired boy.

“But don’t you hate drawing, Chanhee?”

“It’s a requirement, sadly.” Chanhee sighed, seemingly sadly.

Chanhee’s eyes ran straight back to Kevin, who felt them burn onto him and force him to look away from Jacob for a second.

What the heck did Chanhee want? Something from him seemed pretty demanding even if he never said anything about it.

“So are you in the club?” Chanhee asked and Kevin felt like he almost swallowed his heart down his throat with a heavy gulp.

“What?” Was all Kevin managed to stutter out before Younghoon intervened.

“Just ignore him, he’s interested in anything with legs.” Younghoon commented, Chanhee laughed and folded his arms knowingly.

“Only when there’s something in between them.”

Kevin definitely felt his face burn up. Was Chanhee flirting somehow? He couldn’t tell.

“Yuck that’s disgusting!” Changmin huffed, hitting his best friend on the arm softly as Chanhee laughed it off as a joke.

“What?” Chanhee shook, his arms dropping as he raised his shoulders in a shrug.

“It’s a natural urge! We’ve talked about this in the club!”

“Okay, that’s enough” Jacob swiftly but gently intervened, coming to Kevin’s side he placed an arm around Kevin’s shoulder to lead him a few steps back. It was like a warm saving grace right now.

“I doubt that Kevin wants to hear any of this, let’s go” He said before finally leading him away to the library.

But Kevin was definitely curious all of a sudden. What kind of things did they talk about in this club? What did Jacob say? Suddenly he shuddered at the intrusive thoughts trying to break into his mind which caught Jacob’s attention.

“I’m sorry, they’re just a bit… Freewheeling I suppose.” Jacob laughed nervously. Kevin didn’t exactly know how that was supposed to make him feel better.

“It can happen when you spent so long being picked on for who you like. College is a place where we don’t have to worry too much. Makes some, not naming names, go wild.”

Kevin felt his chest tighten. Could that be him? Maybe it was best not to say anything after all.

But daily he was growing more and more curious. How everyone seemed to act so differently. For example Jacob. You would have no clue unless you asked him, but being in a club literally about being some kind of not-straight must’ve meant he was pretty comfortable with it all.

Was that a natural thing? Or did it take work? Kevin had no idea and he wasn’t about to start asking questions now. It was too late anyway, he felt.

“If it made you uncomfortable I’ll-” Jacob began to try and make things feel better but it snapped Kevin back to the conversation.

“What? No, they seem cool!” He corrected quickly. Honestly, he wasn’t lying. He had always thought Chanhee was pretty cool since their first class together. Younghoon seemed pretty nice and steady… He had no idea who Changmin was still but he would like to know eventually.

And Jacob… Well he was Jacob of course.

“Actually I’d love to hang out with them more.” He finished, and Jacob glanced over quickly to check Kevin’s face again.

He seemed to do this a lot. As if he never really trusted Kevin’s words but rather his actions and expressions. Jacob was a believer that actions spoke louder than words definitely.

“Really? You’d be fine with that?” Jacob hinted at the groups’ sexual preferences once again and Kevin got it instantly.

He understood the reservation, damn Kevin had never even gave Jacob even a hint that he liked guys, let alone that the guy he did like was the one walking next to him right now. Kevin had that poker face on lock apparently.

“Hell yeah, I mean-” Kevin tried to tone down his usually enthusiastic self once again.

“I don’t care who anyone likes. If I like your vibe then I like you.” He cleared up. And that was very much true. Kevin had learned in the later stages of high school that he really had to trust his gut on who to trust and who was worth his time. It turned out that those friends he had for most of his life were actually not the best kind of people. They had no motivation or desire to grow as people or even get out of that tiny town they grew up in. Kevin was like that too until he saw the bigger picture out there. And now here he was.

But it was definitely a late lesson to discover. A lot of damage was already done, it seemed.

“Huh… I see.” Jacob said, mostly to himself. Kevin was also in his own thoughts so didn’t bother to comment on that.

Jacob turned to Kevin as they walked, grabbing him by the shoulder and squeezing a little, making Kevin move a little closer to him.

“So how about after our project is finished, we celebrate? I’m sure the others would love to come too, you can get to know them better then.” Jacob’s hand slowly slipped off his should and Kevin felt a little shy as he felt Jacob’s fingers run down his arm. It was an odd sensation, one he wasn’t truly used to. It was warm and gentle, definitely nothing like when other friends had practically fist bumped his arm before in a ‘friendly manner’.

“Bet, I’d love that.” Kevin confirmed with a grin back to Jacob. Finally the touch left his arm and Kevin left a little sad.

“Who knows.” Jacob said as he resumed their usual distance. Kevin’s ears pricked a little as he waited for him to explain more.

“Maybe you can see if there’s someone in particular you vibe with.”


	6. Chapter 6

It was the day before their presentation was due and for many reasons Kevin was nervous.

Firstly because it was his first major college presentation. They had been working on it for three weeks straight and surely had covered all their bases but a certain amount of nerves was still acceptable of course.

Secondly because today he was going over to Jacob’s room.

_Jacob_

_Hey Younghoon isn’t working today :( How about u come over? Changmin’s out so it’ll be quiet!_

When Kevin got that text a few minutes ago he couldn’t contain his panic.

He paced the floor a little; Jacob’s room? Alone? They literally studied alone every other time too but that was in public, where people could see them.

Did Kevin really not trust Jacob enough to be in a room alone with him? That absolutely wasn't it.

He didn’t trust himself.

His phone buzzed again and he fumbled as he picked it up once more.

_Jacob_

_If ur comfortable, that is :)_

Fuck. He didn’t reply and now Jacob probably thought he was homophobic or something. Okay, that was a stretch, but Kevin had definitely acted weird every single time sexuality was brought up around him and now that’s all he could think of. His fingers quickly typed out a reply as it came to his mind.

_Kevin_

_Sure!! What building r u in?_

* * *

Before he knew it he was standing in front of Jacob’s door. God knows how long he lingered outside before finally knocking and still the moment he did he felt like running away.

This was stupid. It was just studying, their presentation was literally tomorrow he couldn’t afford to be acting like this. It was time to swallow his pride, literally, as Jacob opened the door to greet him.

“You made it!” Jacob answered with a smile, Kevin felt his chest implode, so much for playing it cool.

“Yeah it was just past all the sea serpents and I had to ask a leprechaun for directions after I gave him a pot of gold but I found it.” Kevin rambled off nervously, making Jacob laugh a little before inviting him inside.

The dorms in different buildings all differed slightly. Kevin’s room was much more basic and smaller than this. And he knew in another building they had private use rooms too, but Jacob’s room was a nice middle where it was big enough to have a book shelf and two desks in it instead of one like Kevin’s.

“Hey, is that a guitar? Do you play?” Kevin’s eyes practically lit up at the acoustic instrument. Jacob noted his enthusiasm and walked over to the desk to pick the guitar up.

“Yeah my parents made me pick an instrument to learn when I was younger and well, guitar seemed the easiest.”

Kevin sat down at the desk Jacob stood next to, placing his bag on the table as he looked up to Jacob who began mindlessly strumming the guitar.

“That’s so cool.” He said in awe. Jacob smirked back at him as he tuned the instrument.

“I always wanted to learn how to play guitar, my parents forced me to play piano though.” He chuckled. Though he enjoyed it honestly he couldn’t admit that out loud. His friends from high school would’ve laughed at him for enjoying something so ‘girly’, as if music had a gender.

“Piano’s cool though. It’s a classy instrument.” Jacob replied. Kevin looked up in a surprise at the reaction, it wasn’t used to what he would’ve expected.

But this was just like Jacob. Everything good and kind came so easily to him it had Kevin falling deeper for him.

He wondered… If he had known someone like Jacob in school if things would’ve been different.

“There’s nothing classy about me.” Kevin laughed it off, Jacob sat on the edge of his bed with the guitar on his lap.

“I don’t know.” He hummed playfully, tilting his head as if he was sizing Kevin up. Kevin felt his heart leap out of his chest.

“I think you’d look great in one of them long tailed tuxedos.” Jacob strummed the guitar aimlessly again as Kevin gulped dryly on the suddenly thin air.

“Nah.” He laughed, the nerves tingling on the end of his tongue. Jacob made him feel like this a lot. Elevated, almost, like he was walking on water. Kevin always tried to bring himself down from it with self depreciating humor and eventually Jacob always let him get away with it.

“But I am pretty good at it.” He finished, referring that his piano skills were nothing to laugh at.

“Maybe we can make beautiful music together sometimes.”

Kevin felt his entire world stop.

Did Jacob just say that?

The silence that filled the room didn’t feel uncomfortable but there was an emotion rising in it that Kevin couldn’t quite put his finger on. Something he had noticed a few times before in the past but this time definitely was stronger than the others.

Jacob put the guitar down, an embarrassed smile on his lips as he tried to shake it off.

“Sorry, that was really lame of me.” He apologized. Kevin was still in a state of shock but when he heard Jacob say sorry it was just instinct to tell him not to be.

“No, no it’s fine, totally fine.” Kevin rambled once again. His terribly nervous habit of whenever he didn’t really know what to say was just to repeat the same three things over and over again.

“I don’t mind, really I don’t.” He made some vague attempt at reassuring Jacob. The other boy’s eyes slowly rolling up to look at Kevin fully.

Kevin suddenly remembered they were in here alone. It was like all the air was being sucked out of the room.

“So, did you notice?” Jacob asked. Kevin was smart, but he wasn’t a mind reader.

“Notice what?” He replied.

“I’ve been low key hitting on you for the past couple of weeks.”

Kevin felt his entire body become hot and unbearable. He wanted to rip his skin off, or run away, or literally do anything right now other than just sit here staring back at Jacob with a dumbstruck look on his face.

“...Oh.”

Fucking hell, he kicked himself. Was that really he was going to say?

Jacob asking if he was cute, testing out his thoughts… Was making him jealous also part of his plan? Suddenly things were making sense and Kevin didn’t know how to handle it anymore. It was all coming out now and Kevin technically didn’t have a reason to hide anymore that wasn’t outside of his own head.

Jacob licked his dry lips and Kevin felt his breath get stuck in his throat as he tried to stutter out something else.

“T-That’s what it was?”

Way to fucking go, surely he was making this worse. He wished it could just shut up sometimes.

Jacob chuckled nervously. Kevin watched him, heart beating erratically, god even when he was nervous Jacob was so cute. Kevin was just a mess.

“I mean, I get it. If you’re not into guys then-” Jacob began and Kevin almost lunged out of his seat to defend himself.

“No, I am!” He was… way too enthusiastic that Jacob practically jumped. Kevin noticed it, and with a cough to clear his throat he started again.

“I mean. I do. I do- like guys it’s just-” He bite his lip. Ugh, why was this so hard? He just wanted to tell him he liked him back, why was he so plagued? Jacob pursed his lips together, listening intently and Kevin noticed it. Ugh, they way Jacob looked at him made this so much harder it seemed.

“I’ve never even kissed a guy before, let alone dated one.” He felt stupid. Here he was confessing to some guy who clearly liked him and he was admitting what a loser he was. Really, eighteen and never been kissed? Well he had kissed girls but they were mostly out of dares from his friends calling him a _faggot_ if he didn’t do it…

“Really? You’ve never kissed someone before?” Jacob was stunned. Kevin sat back down in his chair and shook his hands.

“No, no I have! I’ve kissed girls before, I didn’t like it I just-” He exasperated himself from being unable to explain, he hated how his own mind was working against him right now.

He felt like there was no way to properly explain without making him seem like a terrible person… And he really didn’t want to scare Jacob away.

“It’s fine, I get it.”

Kevin arched an eyebrow at him.

“We do really silly stuff when we’re younger to hide who we really are inside.” Jacob explained it so neatly that Kevin’s mouth dropped open… He did actually get it.

“Yeah.. Really silly stuff.” Kevin repeated quietly.

“Then, how about now?” Jacob patted his lap as he leaned over to Kevin slightly. The black haired boy pushed back against the chair a little in confusion.

“How about what?”

“How about… I kiss you now.” Jacob’s tone resonated in a way Kevin didn’t recognize suddenly, making him shiver and his heart implode.

Did Jacob really just offer to kiss him? Right here and now? So much was running through his mind, like… Was he actually supposed to answer that? It wasn’t rhetorical? God knows he had thought about it somewhere in the depths of his mind but now that it was an offer on the table.

“If you’re okay with it…” Jacob continued, pulling Kevin’s attention back to the situation and making him gulp heavily.

“...Sure.” Was all he could muster.

The only thing he could focus on was Jacob’s lips as they curled into a smirk as he came closer to him. Bridging the gap until Kevin couldn’t retreat further back against the chair anymore and they were mere inches from each other.

“Okay.” Jacob practically whispered, his hands coming to steady themselves on Kevin’s lap. The sudden sensation making Kevin gasp at the perfect time for Jacob to press his lips against the others. Capturing the gasp within it.

This… Wasn’t bad, he thought. Jacob’s lips were thicker than his, much softer too with some hint of a lip balm that Kevin couldn’t distinguish. It lasted merely seconds, before Kevin could even close his eyes, before Jacob pulled away from the sweet and innocent kiss. Leaving Kevin even more confused.

That really went much better than he expected.

“That was it?” He found himself saying out loud. Jacob hung his head a little and laughed at Kevin’s words. Kevin felt Jacob’s hands tighten on his thighs making him squirm a little too.

“Well I didn’t want to scare you, first kiss and all.” Jacob explained. And surprisingly that made Kevin feel a little better about it all.

“Well yeah, but when you said kiss I expected well…” He trailed off. Naturally referring to pretty much everything you saw in a rated 13 plus movie; tongues, messiness. Though thinking of that himself now sent fear pounding through his chest once more, did he just accidentally offer to do that with Jacob?

He guessed so.

“Well if you insist.” Jacob huffed with a laugh. Kevin didn’t have time to argue against it as the boy pressed his weight against his thighs once more, leaning in to reconnect their lips this time with a little more force.

Kevin felt overwhelmed. Absentmindedly parting his lips to let Jacob lead the way, he felt like he was doing nothing of use as he tried to stay in control. Two separate parts of him fighting to win over; one telling him this was wrong and the other screaming that this is what he wanted all this time.

It was like a tornado, Kevin fighting to put motion into his hands as they rose up to cling onto Jacob’s shirt. However this prompted motion into Jacob too, his hands sneaking up onto the others waist-

“Okay, let’s stop now.” Kevin muttered, using his hands to push Jacob back a little since his own back was against the chair. Jacob naturally listened and sucked in a breath of air as he moved back.

“Sorry, too quick?” Jacob gasped a little. Kevin’s tongue rolled over his lips. The sweet taste of Jacob’s lip balm still there and already his mind was clashing with mixed emotions.

“A little.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm very sorry if in this chapter and the next there are mistakes it is like 3am and i've had like 4 hours sleep lmao anyway hope you enjoy <3

It had been a month since they first kissed and a lot had changed since then, obviously. For one they passed their joint project in psychology. That technically meant the end of their days studying together but now their time was spent on ‘study dates’ as Kevin liked to call them. Or as Jacob said, dates where they sometimes studied.

Kevin had managed to convince him so far to keep their _thing_ a secret. Kevin didn’t want to say relationship. It felt too serious, and what they were doing... It wasn’t serious, was it? After all, neither of them had put a label on it yet so he guessed it wasn’t.

‘It’s too early, I don’t want to feel pressured.’

Jacob was far too understanding for his own good.

Kevin felt guilty. He had absolutely no intentions of coming out any time soon, regardless of whatever this _thing_ was. Besides, all they were going right now was kissing in the privacy of Kevin or Jacob’s room and even then he was always on high alert.

He felt every movement, from where Jacob’s hands roamed to how their bodies got closer and closer, it made Kevin nervous and panic every time until eventually he forced them to stop. It was tiring, _he_ was tiring.

...But he liked him too much to let go.

Even now as he left his dormitory room he was all too quick to run down three flights of stairs, just knowing Jacob would be waiting outside for him.

“Good afternoon.” Jacob greeted as Kevin exited the building. It was a habit Jacob had developed, waiting for him.

“Don’t you mean morning.” Kevin playfully corrected him, Jacob’s arched an eyebrow.

“It’s midday.”

Kevin lifted up his wrist to showcase his watch.

“It’s 11:50am. Good morning.” He said cockily. Jacob rolled his eyes with a small laugh as he walked off, quickly followed on his heels by Kevin.

“Is Younghoon working today?” Kevin asked, knowing by the route they were taking that they were heading to the cafe.

“Yep. Do you think if I sweet talk him he’ll give us a free bagel? I’m starving.”

Kevin chuckled and caught up to Jacob’s side. The two of them walking and laughing like this... It felt nice.

“I don’t know, but if you sweet talk me I’ll buy you one.”He flirted. Kevin had gotten more comfortable with that. His words were more likely to go unheard when they were walking about. Much more than actions or kissing, Kevin would _never_ do that in public.

“Is that an offer? Or is it a bribe?” Jacob said lowly back to Kevin, making goosebumps appear on his skin suddenly. He felt Jacob’s hand brush against his own, sending a shock wave of electricity over his body as he inadvertently pulled back.

“Hah, only if you share it.” He chickened out. Jacob opened his mouth as if he wanted to speak but then he dropped it.

Kevin wasn’t sure if that was an accident or not, Jacob trying to hold his hand. Either way his reaction would’ve been the same; to pull away. The thought of somebody seeing him holding another guy’s hand literally sent his stomach turning with anxiety. What would they think? It would get back to his parents somehow, and his whole town would know about it. He could never show his face again - that’s how quickly his thoughts spiraled on this.

Jacob didn’t try it again. They arrived at the cafe, greeted by Younghoon over the counter, Jacob signaled for Kevin to go and find a table as he ordered the drinks. It gave Kevin a moment to calm down as he picked a sketch book out of his bag to work on his portfolio until Jacob joined him again.

He lay an arm out on the table, lowering his chest so he could be closer to the sketchbook and comfortably draw instead of sitting straight up. It was weird the kind of angles artists found themselves in when drawing, but as long as he was comfortable it didn’t matter to him.

“What are you drawing?” Jacob asked, catching Kevin’s attention before his hand smoothed across Kevin’s shoulder as he made his way to the seat opposite him. Kevin looked up without moving his head.

“Just something for my portfolio. I have to hand a draft in by the end of the month.” He informed him. Kevin loved drawing, as a hobby or as a career he hadn’t decided yet. Could you really make money from drawing and art? It seemed impossible, but if he could, he would want to live like that.

“Oh, so should I leave you alone? Let you draw?” Jacob asked, Kevin pushed his body back a little to face Jacob better to engage with him.

“No it’s fine. I can talk and draw.” He grinned “I’m multi-talented.”

Jacob once again reached for Kevin’s hand, this time securing just their fingers together softly.

“Don’t I just know it.”

Kevin looked down to their hands. Jacob’s thumb gently scraping over his finger was oddly comforting despite the inner screaming inside his head. For a moment he let it be, noticing how Jacob’s smile got bigger and bigger with each passing second.

“Here’s your drinks.” Younghoon greeted as he approached the table. Kevin retracted his hand as fast as lightning and pretended to focus on his drawing.

Jacob’s smile fell from his face.

“And here’s that bagel you begged me for.” He smirked to his friend, who for once wasn’t smiling back at him. Younghoon took the hint, glancing over at Kevin who didn’t dare look up at the situation unraveling before him, Younghoon quickly left as soon as he had just arrived.

“Kevin.” Jacob called for him. The artist bit on his lower lip at the tone which he didn’t like the sound of. It was almost like he was in trouble for something.

“Is there something wrong?” 

Kevin finally looked up from his work as Jacob asked that question.

He saw it, the confusion and hint of pain on Jacob’s face.

“No.” He played dumb, an innocent answer as he put his pencil down in favor to pick up a colored pencil instead.

“Then why don’t you want to hold my hand?”

Kevin’s lungs constricted. Damn, did he just have to be so forward like that? That’s how Jacob always was, it seemed. He thought back to how Jacob initially asked to kiss him, his heart pounding once more just goddamn why was it so hard to do this?

“It’s just... In public, you know.” Kevin continued to try and play it off coolly. But Jacob wasn’t giving up so easily.

“So? It’s not like we’re making out on the table is it-” 

“Sh-” Kevin spluttered almost too loudly, checking the surrounding area to see if anyone else was listening and Jacob practically glared at him until he answered.

“Would you wanna do that?” Kevin coughed quietly, Jacob pouted back to him.

“Stop avoiding and answer the question.”

Silence fell again. It was like he physically couldn’t. Whatever was in his mind wouldn’t materialize into words and leave his mouth. Jacob grew impatient.

“Are you ashamed of me?” His voice broke a little and it sent Kevin crazy with guilt.

“No, no! Not at all! God no!” He definitely made sure to clear that up. This was absolutely nothing to do with Jacob at all. But at the silence fell again and Jacob’s expression remained the same, Kevin knew it was about time to give something up.

“It’s just that...” Kevin gulped again. God, why did every time he wanted to say this feel like somebody had their hand wrapped around his throat?

He looked up imploringly to Jacob, who was staring back with just as much anticipation to have a reason finally.

“I’m not out yet.”

“You’re not out yet!??” Jacob practically shouted. At least to Kevin that’s how it sounded. The black haired boy panicked and frantically waved his hands at Jacob to quieten him down, the other boy understanding immediately as he lowered his head once more.

“What do you mean ‘not out’? You’re in college, this is the best time to come out.” Jacob informed him firmly and fuck, Kevin knew he was right.

“I know, I know.” He hissed lowly, running out of steam quickly as he sounded defeated. He couldn’t bring himself the whole reason to explain why.

“I just... Went through a lot in high school.” He lazily summarized, not explaining how or what because he knew the truth would’ve made him irredeemable.

“It’s okay. I understand.” Jacob comforted him. Kevin finally looked up, choking back the guilty look on his face as he looked at Jacob. His calm expression, silently trying to tell Kevin it would be alright. Kevin smiled a little back to him as a thank you.

“So that’s really why you didn’t want to tell anyone all this time?” 

Kevin lookish sheepishly at him.

“Yeah.”

* * *

They spent another hour or so in the cafe. Jacob ate, Kevin drew. But mostly they just talked and joked around. Kevin felt much more relaxed. Maybe he could do this. Jacob was too understanding for him not to try and maybe deep inside he really wanted to also.

As they left the cafe Jacob’s hand slipped into Kevin’s once more. His body succumbing to the anxiety it created but he persevered. Letting Jacob’s fingers wrap around his own as they walked off, everything seemed to be going fine.

He could do this.

“Hey, guys!” Changmin’s voice reverberated from behind.

Kevin dropped Jacob’s hand again.

No he couldn’t.

Jacob didn’t have time to be confused or mad because as he turned around to see Changmin bouncing over towards them he also noticed Chanhee followed in tow.

“So when are we celebrating?” Changmin asked, looking between the two in front of him. Kevin’s eyes widened.

Did he see? Oh my god, did Jacob tell them? He was about to scream, he couldn’t believe this was happening.

“Celebrating what? What happened?” Kevin nervously rolled off, his hands clawing nervously at his shirt in some attempt to ground himself but he was slowly becoming a mess.

Chanhee tilted his head at the boy’s actions.

“You said like, a month ago we would celebrate your project being complete. Yet here we are.” He explained, almost like he was bored but he stared at Kevin as if he was trying to read him.

Kevin glanced away nervously every time.

“Ah, right yeah. How about this weekend? Is that alright?” Jacob was so effortless that it made Kevin feel better already.

If Jacob wasn’t stressing out, there probably wasn’t a need for him too either.

“Sounds good.” Chanhee agreed with a nod before turning to Changmin.

“How about we drink in your place?”

“But don’t you have a private room?” Changmin wagered. Chanhee whined a little..

“But you have two beds! Plus there’s more space over there, and the two of you live together it would be more convenient.” He went on to explain. Jacob laughed at his friends and agreed to the idea too.

“So we’ll see you then?” Jacob said, waving Chanhee and Changmin off and he turned around with Kevin to keep walking.

A few feet away Jacob leaned over to Kevin to ask him.

“You’re okay with this, right? Drinking with everyone, with me.” It was almost like a warning label and Kevin gulped at it.

“Yeah, totally.”


	8. Chapter 8

He spent way too long getting ready to go to another room and drink on somebody else’s bed. But he was nervous. It was going to the bed the first time he would hang out with Jacob’s friends all in one location for an extended period of time. Maybe from now on he could call them his friends, too?

Kevin would like that.

Was that a thing couples did? Shared a group of friends? He worried that on the eventual day he would screw this up that he would lose everyone if that was the case. Kevin was always the optimist, it seemed.

Finally he headed over. Knocking on the door Jacob opened it rather quickly and Kevin looked inside with confusion.

“Where is everyone?” He quizzed. Jacob stepped aside to let the boy into the room.

“It’s only seven.” Jacob answered. Kevin didn’t get it.

“You said the party starts at seven.”

“Starts at seven doesn’t _mean_ start at seven.” Jacob laughed. It was very typical for Kevin to turn up exactly on time, something he learned about him shortly after meeting.

Jacob closed the door as Kevin lingered awkwardly in the center on the room.

Last time they were alone in here...

His memory swooped back to their first kiss.

There was been several times since then too, but Kevin would always remember the first one especially. Even now the mood of the room began to feel like that as Jacob walked up behind him, hands coming around Kevin’s waist to hold him.

“W-Wait, where’s Changmin? Why isn’t he here?” Kevin referred to Jacob’s roommate as he retreated. He turned around and took a step back, out of Jacob’s grasp.

Jacob smirked and laughed. Kevin was cuter when it was just them alone.

“He’s with Chanhee, getting drinks. Chanhee knows a guy, he said” Jacob took another step closer to Kevin, who now felt paralyzed like a statue.

“We have some time until they come back.” His arms encase Kevin once more, pulling him into a kiss. At first Kevin couldn’t resist that taste, Jacob always tasted sweet somehow and he found himself getting momentarily lost until he felt Jacob’s hands roam up his sides.

“W-What about Younghoon?” He stuttered, pulling away again but this time Jacob’s hands delved into the sides of Kevin’s hair to keep him still. Fingers caressing his scalp in small circles to soothe him.

“Younghoon is always late, don’t worry.” He said as he moved in to kiss him again.

Jacob’s kisses were addictive. If they were just left at that Kevin would be satisfied as he felt the others tongue slip into his mouth as he sighed in content.

But soon the hands began to wander again. From his hair to cup his cheeks. Kevin was fine with this. Even letting his own hands come up to bundle themselves in Jacob’s sweater, the material thick and warm as the heat began to rise in the room too.

Then Jacob’s hands slipped. Fingers tracing down Kevin’s neck, the glorious feeling making the dark haired boy moan a little and then he felt Jacob smiling into the kiss. His heart skipped a beat at the sensation as his fingers tightened around the material of his clothes.

His hands slipped to Kevin’s jeans.

“Okay, that’s enough.” He finally caved. Unable to push any further as the fluttering feeling turned into anxiety. Suddenly he was hyper aware that anyone could come in at any minute. Changmin had a key, he was with Chanhee. Younghoon, god knows but he could probably get in somehow. His thoughts escalated once more as he retracted his head away from Jacob fully.

Jacob groaned a little in playful frustration. But he understood.

* * *

Finally everyone was gathered. In the midst of playing silly drinking games and going to the bathroom Jacob and Kevin had gotten separated and were now sitting on opposite beds. Jacob on his own next to Younghoon as Chanhee and Changmin sat on the floor between the beds.

This. This was college life right here.

It was so comfortable, the laughing, the jokes. How every twenty seconds Kevin would look at Jacob for reassurance and he would gain it instantly. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of him. How rosy pink his cheeks turned when he was tipsy and how loudly he laughed when he was drunk.

Kevin really did like him.

“So how’s life off campus going?” Jacob asked Younghoon. Kevin, even if he didn’t care to admit it, was still a bit jealous of Younghoon.

That’s what you got from years of actual friendship, he guessed. Somebody you were for carefree around and happy with. Kevin didn’t know how to do that, his only high school friends had him constantly feeling on his toes and cautious about what to say. But Jacob and Younghoon were so free around each other. Maybe that’s what he was really jealous of.

Younghoon leaned over onto Jacob’s shoulder. Kevin’s stomach lurched forward unexpectedly.

Maybe not.

“Loud, annoying, dirty.” Younghoon sighed a little, there was still a half drunken smirk on his face as he talked, Jacob nudged his best friend to see if he would move from his shoulder but he refused.

Jacob looked up to Kevin. Their eyes connecting as Kevin felt electricity run through his chest, Jacob’s half drunk eyes calling something unreadable to him and Kevin gulped in curiosity.

“But they’re hot, right? At least that’s what Jacob said.” Changmin interjected. Kevin’s eyes widened as he laughed, he remembered when Jacob slipped up in the cafe and said that out loud too. Turns out it wasn’t such a slip up after all.

Jacob’s face burned a little more red as Changmin’s addition. Chanhee sat up and grabbed the bottle of wine which was resting on the desk near him.

“I’d kill to have two hot roommates to live with.” He seemingly pouted. He poured himself a drink before passing the bottle to Changmin, who then after using it passed it back to Kevin.

“Imagine them; fresh out of the shower, clad with only a towel.” He painted the picture. Kevin kept quiet and poured himself a drink. Listening to the mixed reactions of those around him.

“Sure they’re nice to look at, but living with them?” Younghoon tried to make his point, but Chanhee laughed it off.

“God invented air pods for a reason. Slip them in, listen to music, sit back and enjoy the view.” He shrugged so nonchalantly as he sipped his drink. Kevin pursed his lips together. Was it really that easy for some guys?

“I haven’t been laid in like, two months.” Chanhee admitted. Kevin choked on his drink.

“Alright, Chanhee calm down.” Jacob interrupted the train of thoughts coming out of him. Everyone noticed Kevin visibly choking on this drink, Changmin laughed at him while Chanhee and Younghoon stared on observantly.

“Sorry, Kev. Chanhee just is very free, is all.” Jacob felt the need to explain his behavior. All Kevin could do was continue to knock a fist against his chest in an attempt to dislodge the liquid burning his throat and lungs.

“What!?” Chanhee shrugged and looked around. “We’re all of a certain persuasion in here.” His statement gained a nod of agreement from Changmin his best friend before Chanhee locked eyes with Kevin.

“Well except for Kevin, of course. Even then we can’t be sure.” 

Kevin felt his stomach twist. And with the added effect of alcohol that certainly didn’t feel good at all. Could Chanhee tell? Maybe he caught Kevin looking too much as Jacob... Maybe Jacob told them. Whatever it was, Chanhee was onto something and it scared Kevin. And Jacob could sense it.

“Come on Chanhee, that’s not funny.” Jacob rolled his eyes, his voice dragging down the laughter from before to show he was more serious now in his attempt to take the attention away from Kevin. But Chanhee liked to poke around a bit more than that.

“Come on, even straight guys have thought about it, right? We’ve talked about this in the club.” He half glanced at Kevin as if he expected him to reply. Kevin was definitely tongue tied by this point.

“We’ve all thought about _it_.” Chanhee turned to sip his drink once more as he passed off his last comment. _It_ being the key expression which could mean anything. Anything from thinking a guy is hot to... 

_We_ _’_ _ve all thought about it._ Stuck in his head.

Had they talked about it? Had Jacob? Surely so since their make out sessions could be on the heavy side and Kevin would be an idiot to not know where that would usually lead if he didn’t break it off. He began to wonder if he didn't would he enjoy it too...

His eyes ran back to Jacob who glanced at him shyly before rolling his lips together and looking away. Something about the sudden innocence made Kevin’s breath hitch in his throat as his drunken mind wandered.

_Was he thinking about it now?_

Back to their kiss before, back to how Jacob’s hands caressed him. Now he was pretty inhibited he felt like a fool for not letting it continue as he found himself staring longingly at Jacob. So much so that the other practically felt his gaze boring into him, forcing him to look back at Kevin.

This time Jacob’s gaze was filled with something else.

Kevin couldn’t take it anymore, the heat burning through his body. He felt overwhelmingly hot right now and he needed to do something about it. He stood up without particular cause or direction, making everybody in the room stare at him.

“Uh, Kevin?” Younghoon was the first to say something out loud. Kevin then suddenly realized that yes, he was just standing there, fists at his sides as his mind emptied on what he wanted to do next.

He suddenly was aware of the several eyes upon him.

“Uh. Bathroom.” He muttered out before quickly exiting the room. The bathroom air was slightly colder than the dorm room for sure but in his drunken daze it just made the alcohol hit him harder. Steadying himself on the edge of the sink he desperately tried to calm the growing sensation in his pants.

He hated it, the fact that even this minute thought had sent him going crazy so easily. He squeezed his eyes shut but that had the opposite effect that he was looking for.

It amplified the sensation, remembering Jacob’s hands on his body. His mind wandered; what did Jacob talk about in the club? His thoughts, fantasies... Was Kevin curious enough to want to know about them too? He felt dizzy.

The growing pain in his pants made him whimper slightly as he turned on the tap, letting the water run colder before he splashed his face with it, hopefully cleansing his mind of those thoughts too.

He lingered in the bathroom a few more moments, wiping his face down before he decided to head back into the room. The alcohol in his system still held the majority of power but at least now his body wasn’t reacting to it.

“What the fuck took you so long, Kevin?” Chanhee supposedly greeted as he walked back inside.

“What Chanhee meant to say is; are you okay, Kevin?” Changmin purposed. Kevin’s lips hung open as if he was gasping for air as all eyes turned to him once more. Once again he looked at Jacob, who was now lying with a tired Younghoon across his lap, Kevin felt a pang of jealousy in his stomach.

“Yeah I just-” He began to explain but Chanhee’s voice took over.

“Did you throw up or something?”

“Yeah, you look a little flushed.” Changmin added.

Kevin’s hands ran to his jaw and cheeks, fingers flickering against the edge of his hair which he realized had gotten damp when he ‘cooled down’ moments ago.

“I uh-” Kevin had absolutely no way how to explain why his hair was wet.

‘I had inexplicable thoughts about Jacob for a brief second and then when he looked at me, I thought wow maybe I could’ ?

He would rather the earth swallow him up right now.

“God he’s such a lightweight, send him home!” Chanhee laughed as he fell back a little on the floor. Jacob groaned as he pushed Younghoon off his lap to stand up.

“I’ll take him home, it’s getting late anyway.” He announced, the mood was winding down as Jacob took Kevin by the shoulder to lead him out into the hall.

* * *

Kevin’s room wasn’t far but when his legs couldn’t coordinate themselves to walk directly there it felt like much further. Crossing the short patch of open grass between the buildings, Kevin swiped into the building with his pass as Jacob followed him.

“You don’t have to follow me, I’m okay.” He hiccuped just as the worst moment to make himself out to be sober. Jacob didn’t say anything, he simply heckled a laugh as his hand came to wrap around Kevin’s forearm.

It was oddly protective, Kevin feeling the tension between them as they walked up to Kevin’s room, suddenly he grew nervous. He knew his roommate would be inside sleeping. Jacob wouldn’t try anything, would they?

"So did you throw up before?" Jacob finally asked. Kevin had to think about that for a minute, since he was practically almost forgotten about it.

"What? No. I'm not _that_ drunk." His slurred words would vouch otherwise but Jacob didn't push for it. 

"Then what were you doing in the bathroom that took so long?" The amount of innocence in Jacob's voice did not resonate with the tone of the question at all. Or maybe it was just Kevin's mind twisting it.

He thought back to the party. How Jacob's stolen glances and stares had made his stomach twist, and not in the way that he had anxiously experienced before but in a... curious type of way this time. How when Chanhee began to get rowdy the only thing that he could think of was Jacob. What would Jacob think, what would Jacob want? His mind was intoxicated with the thought of knowing every little thing Jacob wanted to do and more.

He felt the heat prick at his ears again. This really wasn't good for his sanity.

"Cooling down." He muttered, barely audible as the two of the them walked along the final hallway towards Kevin's dorm.

"Cooling down? For what-?" Jacob went to ask but then it clicked in his mind. Kevin sense it and the embarrassment hit him hard. 

He couldn't even look at Jacob, he didn't want to see if he was mimicking that look from before, because if it was the same then that just confirmed his earlier thoughts. Jacob had thought about _it._ He had thought about it with Kevin, and worst of all Kevin was now thinking about it too and he desperately didn't want to be. He felt so stupid for even bringing it up in such a way.

Then just shortly before reaching Kevin’s door he felt the heavy pull of Jacob stop walking tug on his arm.

“Hey.” Jacob muttered, the word slightly slurred from the effects of alcohol, Kevin suddenly felt himself being pulled back.

Jacob connected their lips, it was lazy and heavy but quickly built up as his hands ran through Kevin’s hair, Kevin’s balance failing him as he stumbled back and his back hit the wall.

Jacob didn’t let up, deepening the kiss as Kevin let him, his mind hazy and satisfied that the only stimulation he was receiving was from Jacob’s lips. The scent of wine making him feel even more drunk than before as he moaned into the kiss back to Jacob.

He felt that smirk, Jacob’s happiness peaking into the kiss driving Kevin crazy as he moved to wrap his arms around Jacob’s neck. For the first time he didn’t care that this was technically in a public spot, the alcohol made sure of that as Jacob’s moved to latch his thumbs under Kevin’s jaw, pushing it up as their lips disconnected and Jacob moved to kiss his neck instead.

Kevin stayed miraculously quiet. The only noises emanating from Jacob as his mouth sucked at the new skin, letting his tongue stray and lap over the areas where he began to tease with his teeth. Only then did Kevin moan lowly hips pushing off the wall slightly as Jacob quickly lifted his lips away and looked back up to his starry eyed lover.

“I don’t want you to be drunk to have to do this.” He muttered, pressing another kiss to Kevin’s lips as the black haired boy let the words sink in.

Jacob took a step back, letting his hands run down to Kevin’s as he squeezed them a little before his departure back to his room. Leaving Kevin stood outside in mindless wanting and frustration. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [join me on twt to see me cry over tbz and talk about plot stuff](https://twitter.com/connahquay)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just one chapter update since it's almost 5k long which is twice as long as my other chapters lmao oops  
> Hope you enjoy <3

Sunday passed in a half daze. Kevin had absolutely no idea what time he woke up, he didn’t want to look at his phone so it wasn’t until just past midday that he decided to pick it up.

Surprisingly to Kevin, he had been added into a group chat.

_Jacob_

_Everyone alive??_

_Changmin_

_Yep :))_

_Chanhee_

_Barely_

_Younghoon_

_I’m working so -_-_

Kevin felt warmth wash over him as he read through the texts. Some of them had been sent as early as 8am from Jacob and he wondered how a boy like him was even functional at such a time when they had been drinking last night. He sighed in content as he turned onto his back in bed. It felt nice to be trusted. To have friends in a group chat where they could all talk. He had never experienced that before, in fact, his friends from high school barely text each other they just made plans while in school for the weekend and hoped it all panned out.

In many ways it was a simpler time but for Kevin he was now beginning the see the difference.

How kindness wasn’t always something to be feared in the knowledge that what you disclosed could be used against you. Look at Jacob for example. He was always so kind, so patient with Kevin that even after a month they didn’t do anything more than just kiss. Each and every time his hands tried to get too far Kevin told him to stop and he listened immediately, Jacob was absolutely not taking advantage and trying to gain anything from Kevin by being too nice.

But then last night… He thought about the kiss in the hallway. The feeling of Jacob’s lips against his neck as he was pressed against the wall, how he body had reacted to that. Kevin gulped.

He remembered… Jacob smiling into the kiss.

He felt his underwear become tighter as he thought about it.

This was... unusual, he thought.

Did thinking of Jacob really bring it up like that? Kevin remembered that the only time he had watched gay porn in his life was when his old friends made fun of it which of course ground shame into even thinking about touching another guy... Or being touched.

Kevin whined uncomfortably, he wasn’t sure where his roommate had done on a Sunday morning but he was definitely wondering how long he would still be out for.

Could Kevin...

Maybe he could.

He pulled his boxers down to his mid thigh, feeling his erection brush against the covers making him hold in a moan as he suddenly felt hyper aware of why he was even feeling like this in the first place.

Would it be right? To attempt to masturbate to the simple idea that it was Jacob’s hand and not his? It seemed like a weird concept. Something he had never thought about before was fantasizing about what he wanted. In the past, whenever he was hard he simply just beat it out or took a cold shower but here he was now having thoughts he could act upon and technically... If he really wanted to... Get the real thing himself.

His stomach twisted in need and desire, gritting his teeth together as he palmed over himself in determination to just ‘get this over with’ maybe once he got it out of the way things would be better for him.

He slowly began to work up and down his shaft. Small moans leaving his lips as he dropped his head back to the pillow.

This actually felt pretty good. His grip tightening as he laxed his wrist, making the movements shorter but faster, feeling the pleasure build up in the pit of his stomach.

He felt like that when Jacob smirked against him when they kissed. That familiar tug in the pool of his loins and suddenly it connected for him.

Oh my god, he had been low key horny over Jacob already.

The thought freaked him out. How did he feel something like that before without even knowing it?

He pulled his hand away faster than lightning, shaking it out of the blanket to stop the extra temptation of going back as he sighed in deep disappointment to himself.

He really didn’t know himself, did he?

Guess it would be a cold shower after all.

* * *

Sunday had continued to pass slowly. With the lectures of Monday looming and his hangover still curating he managed to sleep and lounge most of it away.

But now it was Monday. And Kevin was on his way to his first class of the day. Which was sadly psychology.

He looked forward to it in theory, and to seeing Jacob too. But he still couldn’t shake the thoughts from the weekend from his mind. And he was worried about that around Jacob too.

But the time he had to worry ran out as he entered the classroom with Jacob already in his seat. He smiled brightly at Kevin which instantly made him feel a lot better.

He could do this, he said to himself. It was just psychology class.

“Good morning.” Jacob greeted him, Kevin dropped his bag on the desk before them as he took up the seat next to Jacob.

Suddenly a hand clamped around Kevin’s slender thigh, squeezing it once before loosening its grip.

“What are you doing?” Kevin hissed lowly, trying his best not to jump out of the seat he just sat down in and draw attention to them in any way.

Jacob seemed pretty satisfied with the reaction as he continued smirking at him.

“What? You don’t like it?” Jacob teased. Kevin felt the others nails dig into his jeans slightly and Kevin praised himself for not wearing anything thinner as the coarse material seemed to soak up most of the impact.

But as the class started Jacob’s hand didn’t retreat at all.

He felt like he was an autopilot. Swinging his pen between his fingers without taking a single note. He didn’t even glance over to Jacob, who’s hand still rested on his lap and Kevin was too afraid to move it let alone he draw attention to them in any way.

His heart began to race a little faster now.

That small shot of adrenaline through his system didn’t seem to help. He finally glanced over to Jacob who was absentmindedly chewing on his pen cap as he listened to the professor talk. Tongue teasing over the plastic before sucking it into his mouth a little more. Kevin didn’t know why but it fascinated him in some way.

Jacob’s mouth. He had kissed him before, of course he knew that. But watching it now, how his tongue twisted around the cap emotions began to stir once more, similar to what he felt yesterday morning in bed alone.

Jacob’s lips. They really were pretty...

Kevin felt the uncomfortable feeling rise in his pants once more and suddenly he was cursing himself to much.

He was really fantasizing about Jacob? In the middle of class? This was so embarrassing and what was even worse was that Jacob’s hand still remained on his lap.

Oh my god, what if he felt something? Kevin had to rectify this instantly. He slowly dropped one hand off the desk to push Jacob’s hand away.

Kevin and Jacob both didn’t break their attention from looking forward. At first Jacob smiled, feeling the others hand come to wrap around his fingers. Finally he was making the first moves instead of Jacob this time.

But it didn’t last long. Kevin’s fingers curled around Jacob’s just enough to start to push his hand from his lap. Slowly, making sure there was absolutely no way Jacob would realize there was _something else_ going on. God this was torture, everything from Jacob’s hand being there in the first place to Kevin having to remove it when he really didn’t want to.

Suddenly Jacob glanced at him, realizing his hand was being forced away clearly had him worried in some way he looked down towards their hands and it was the last straw for Kevin who, obviously, physically couldn’t control himself anymore and jumped at the possibility of Jacob noticing his erection.

His thighs hit the desk he sat at, making him wince in pain as he fell back down to his seat. It was absolutely ridiculous, the way Kevin’s body was reacting to such thoughts, he swore he had to hold in a whine as the pain reverberated up his legs and to his dick. He hated this.

“Is there something you would like to share with the class, Kevin?” The professor called out at the disruption to the lecture. The male’s face glimmered with a hint of red as now all eyes in the room were on him. Exactly how he didn’t want them to be. Jacob sat calmly next to him, trying not to draw any further attention to himself.

Kevin coughed, the vibration certainly not helping his situation as his hands came to lay on the desk to steady himself as he quickly figured out how to answer this.

“Nope, not at all professor, absolutely A+ lecture keep it rolling.” Kevin ground out between his teeth. Other students whispered a little as he sunk further down in his chair and Jacob turned to look at him finally.

“Are you okay?” He muttered. Kevin wanted to roll his eyes so badly. Did he look okay? He was trying his best not to crumble into more of a mess than he already felt. Jacob’s eyes on his definitely didn’t help.

“I’m fine.” He muttered. Kevin had one last idea to carry out as he slid his bag off the table, dragging it toward his lap. Sadly he wasn’t quick or subtle enough because finally Jacob notice the tent in his pants.

When his eyes fell Kevin was hyper aware of them. He gritted his teeth against his lip, as he closed his eyes Wishing he could just slip away right now as he heard Jacob chuckle quietly at him.

“It’s not funny.” Kevin muttered. He grasped the bag closer to his crotch as if the pressure was going to help it go away, but it had quite the opposite effect.

“No you’re not. It’s not. Not at all.” Jacob agreed under his breath. Kevin’s eyes fell open again, not daring to glance at the other boy who was not looking intently at him.

…

“You said you have an hour to kill after this class, right?” Jacob asked oh so innocently. Kevin totally missed his underlying meaning.

“Yeah, why?”

* * *

Before Kevin could even breathe they had reached Jacob’s room and were now in each others arms. In any other given time Kevin would’ve called it quits by now but the hormones flooding his system were telling him otherwise.

His mouth was messy against Jacob’s. Greedy, wanting more and Jacob returned it with fully, practically shoving his tongue down his throat.

Kevin groaned, his back hitting the door they had not long closed behind them, Kevin’s hands tried to grip at the plywood for support as Jacob’s hands ran from Kevin’s face down his body.

It was hot, there was barely a moment to breathe or think as Jacob’s hands heavily coursed down Kevin’s frame, landing at the edge of the material as he began to pull it up. That reality hit Kevin hard as he choked his head back to free himself of the kiss.

“N-Not now, not now.” He muttered, catching his breath as Jacob laughed a little in confusion. His hands remained bundles up at the bottom of Kevin’s shirt as he leaned back to look at him a little.

“What do you mean ‘not now’?” He asked, his voice playful, luring Kevin back into a kiss which is momentarily felt for until once again anxiety came flooding into his mind.

Kevin stuttered as he brought his hands up to Jacob’s chest to make sure there was some distance this time.

“I mean- it’s hardly romantic, is it?” He used logic to try and beat this emotionally charged situation. Jacob seemed to respond to it. His hands let go of Kevin’s shirt and came to rest on his hips instead.

It didn’t really help that much, but Kevin would take anything right now as a victory.

“M-My first time- wedged in the hour between classes.” It felt so weird to admit to that. But then again Jacob already knew he was the first guy Kevin had ever kissed. So the rest easily made sense even if he never explained it.

Jacob leaned back a little more as if to look at Kevin properly.

“Oh, right.” Came the acknowledgement. Kevin’s insides twisted with both relief and frustration, he really just wanted to give in but he just couldn’t let him self it seemed.

Jacob’s fingers delved into the small as Kevin’s back, dragging him forward as he took a few steps back to reach the bed before turning them around to Kevin was the first one to land on it.

“Then how about something else?” The tone of Jacob’s voice made Kevin’s hands wrap around the sheets in anticipation.

Jacob leaned over him, a leg between Kevin’s to keep them apart as he kissed him once more. It was much slower this time, giving Kevin time to breathe. Sadly that also meant time to think as Jacob’s lips moved down his neck gracing new parts of his unexplored skin Kevin’s balled his hands into fists.

_‘I can do this’_ He repeated it like a mantra inside his mind, letting his eyes close as Jacob’s fingers lifted up his shirt.

The cold air against his stomach was sobering, feeling Jacob’s thumbs indent against his hips to keep them in place as he skipped over his chest and straight to just above his belly button.

It was then his mind completely broke.

“I can’t do this.” He muttered out loud, pulling his legs toward himself to propel himself back against the headboard of Jacob’s bed, the other boy stared on at him as what just happened sunk in.

“What’s the matter?” Jacob asked with concern in his voice. Kevin brought his legs up to his chest, assuming the most defensive figure he possibly could do right now and Jacob’s expression faltered.

“You don’t want to?”

It hurt Kevin to hear that.

But all of his actions were currently screaming that exact phrase. His body curling up tightly, how he just kicked himself away from Jacob going down on him. Everything was screaming _I don’t want this_ except Kevin’s mind was in an entirely different place.

_I can’t do this._ It repeated.

“No- I mean. No, yes I want to but no I-” The words left his mouth too quickly to make sense, thoughts spilling out into reality as Jacob tried to deconstruct them but he failed. Kevin saw the confused look in his eye and took in a huge breath of air to try and calm himself down and explain.

“I’m scared.” He finally said.

Jacob continued to sit at the end of the bed, waiting for Kevin to elaborate but fuck he wished he didn’t have to. How was Kevin supposed to explain what was going on in his mind? He didn’t even know himself.

“I don’t know what to do- or think, Jacob I don’t know I just- can’t-” He began to ramble once more, his hands twisting together as his anxiety made him tremble. And finally Jacob’s instincts to help kicked in.

“Shh, it’s okay, calm down.” Jacob’s naturally smooth voice shushed him. It immediately caught Kevin’s ear as he looked up at him finally.

Jacob crawled forward. Stopping exactly at the end of Kevin’s feet he knelt down in front of him. Jacob’s hands softly reaching out to Kevin’s, taking them carefully to stop Kevin from hurting himself too much.

“I would never rush you into something you’re not comfortable with, Kevin.” His words were so sweet, Kevin’s hands came to a complete standstill between the others.

Jacob’s thumbs caressed over his palms, stroking smoothly as Kevin finally took a breath in deep enough to get actual air back into his lungs.

“If you wanna wait, we’ll wait. You can take all the time you need, don’t worry.”

Kevin felt so overwhelmed with the love and care Jacob was providing, he absolutely did not deserve this he was convinced. He closed his eyes tightly in some attempt to block out those thoughts.

“I want to.” The words leaving his lips without registering in his mind that they did. Kevin felt the circles that Jacob was running over his hands stop.

“Honestly, I want to I just-” But once again Jacob shushed him into quietness.

He leaned over Kevin’s knees, kissing him gently as Kevin warmed up to it. Jacob’s hands lacing through Kevin’s fingers, Kevin let down his guard enough to allow Jacob to gently pull him forward until he was sitting in his lap.

“We can just kiss.” Jacob’s voice was low and soft against Kevin’s lips. The vibrations making him shiver a little as he eyes closed half way.

Jacob leaned back on his forearms, Kevin looking down on him and suddenly this felt so alien to Kevin he had no idea what to do. Jacob simply just looked up at him with doe eyes, so beautiful and calm. It made Kevin feel so much better already.

“Like this you can have all the control, okay? And we can just kiss.”

_Just kiss_. Kevin could do that.

He leaned down, hands coming to rest on Jacob’s shoulders to steady himself. Jacob stayed perfectly still as Kevin moved in to kiss him, letting the less experienced boy slowly build up from small pecks to slipping his tongue inside his mouth. The small moans it pulled from Jacob’s lips slowly began to drive Kevin crazy as he craved more of it. And apparently so did his body.

It had all but gone, the bulge in his pants. And the effort of keeping himself elevated above Jacob’s lap was suddenly becoming bothersome he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Ah-” Kevin interrupted their kiss as he jumped slightly, feeling something brush against him that he didn’t expect. He even turned around to look behind for a second.

“Sorry. T-That’s me, you can ignore it.” Jacob stuttered, Kevin’s heart skipped a few beats upon hearing the adorable stutter from the boy’s mouth. It was so sweet, knowing that Jacob wasn’t totally above it all made Kevin feel better about the situation and plus just like Jacob said; he can be in control of it now.

Kevin chose to listen to Jacob’s words, moving back in to kiss him Jacob moved his arms to bring himself flat against the bed, moving his legs to keep Kevin comfortably straddled on him as Kevin moved down to follow the kiss too.

Slowly hands roamed. Jacob’s fingers rolling up Kevin’s arms until they reached his shoulders, curving over them and down his sides as Kevin sighed into their kiss. He felt in control. If he didn’t like something he could just sit up and stop. Finally he was letting himself give over to the pleasure.

Without thinking Kevin’s hips moved, a total accident as he just felt uncomfortable with the restriction of his jeans and he wanted to re-position but by doing so he brushed against Jacob’s also enclosed erection making the pair of them moan at the sensation.

“I’m sorry.” Jacob followed through after he moaned, he really didn’t want to freak Kevin out, especially when he knew he was capable of it. But turned-on Kevin was a little different.

“No it’s fine.” It was his turn to reassure Jacob as he leaned back in for a kiss.

Clothes were fully on and Kevin could handle that. There was a lack of pressure from the feeling of clothes against clothes which made him feel like this entire situation was much safer, less dirty and unimaginable than when Jacob’s hands were trying to get somewhere else. Kevin moaned as he relaxed into the kiss, letting his hands against the others chest.

Jacob did his best to control himself, letting Kevin do all the work and completely take control up until where he was comfortable with. Kevin’s body pressed down against Jacob’s, their hips meeting almost teasingly as Kevin tested the waters a little more.

Even the lightest of touches was making Kevin’s skin flush. Feeling the heat rise in his stomach as every time he went to settle on Jacob’s lap he felt his erection brush against him. It was almost teasing the both of them, Kevin feeling a new sensation stir in the pit of his stomach as he began to whimper into Jacob’s mouth.

Eventually Jacob couldn’t just sit there anymore. His larger hands grabbed at Kevin’s hips making him grind against him. Kevin’s lips broke apart as he groaned deeply into the still air. Jacob couldn’t contain his smirk as he brought himself back onto his elbows, making Kevin sit back slightly more,

“Did you like that?” He asked. Kevin’s face flushed pink as he obviously wasn’t going to answer that, but as Jacob’s hands moved to pull against him again his moan was even louder and clearly gave Jacob the answer he wanted.

The feeling was overwhelming. Jacob’s dick pressed up against him as Kevin’s was trapped inside his pants. It was uncomfortable but the friction as Jacob continued to rock him back and forth against his lap seemed to ease the ache. So much so that Kevin definitely felt like he could cum from this.

“Ah fuck, Jacob wait-” He groaned, hands coming to grab at the others as he fully sat up now. The added pressure he put on Jacob’s erection made him shiver and completely forget the worries which were just starting to bubble up once more and Jacob took advantage of that.

Biting his own lip to stunt a moan Jacob rolled his hips up against Kevin’s. It sent the black haired boy spiraling as he dropped back down to Jacob’s chest, hands heavy as he tried to lift himself up but Jacob connected their lips once more in a heavy kiss.

It was teenage stuff; dry humping. Something Kevin never had the clearly pleasurable experience of before up until now as Jacob did all the work. His hands coming to grip Kevin’s ass instead to gain better control as he pushed himself up against the skinnier boy, Kevin’s moans getting lost in his throat.

He returned it, letting his hips gyrate back as Jacob pressed his ass down each time he thrust up. Kevin was quickly becoming dizzy as he moved to drop his head in the nook of Jacob’s shoulder for comfort.

Kevin’s hisses and moans went straight into Jacob’s ear, making the boy moan back just as loud as Kevin uselessly lay on top.

His entire mind was taken over by the pleasure of his dick rubbing at the inside of his jeans. Paired with the added effect of Jacob’s hips pressing into him, before he could do anything about it he was reaching his edge. The feeling making him panic as he began to claw a little as Jacob’s chest, the boy underneath not letting up as his fingers kneaded deeply into Kevin’s ass.

“Jacob, I’m gonna-” He panted. He wanted so badly to push himself up and away from this situation so suddenly but his primal urges kept him preened against Jacob who understood what he was saying.

“That’s fine, do it.” Jacob’s voice was low, almost husky which sent Kevin over the edge. No time to think about how literally cumming in his pants after grinding against another guy was the most pathetic thing he felt like he had ever done as he stuttered out a moan against Jacob’s neck.

He didn’t move, for many reasons. One, that he felt totally spent and tired all of a sudden despite it being maybe 10:30am and him getting a full night’s sleep. And for two, if he moved that would mean he would had to look at Jacob.

And he couldn’t.

How embarrassing that he literally just came from some heavy petting and schoolboy teasing, he felt ashamed to even look at Jacob who probably thought it was stupid to say the least.

He couldn’t stay too still for long though because the sticky feeling in his pants was making him uncomfortable with each passing second.

“I’m sorry.” He muttered. Kevin turned his face completely away from Jacob as he began to sit up. He could still feel Jacob hard underneath him but now it no longer drew arousal it simply made him feel even more ashamed and nauseous.

“No, don’t be.” Jacob sat up the moment Kevin created enough space for him to do so. Catching the dark haired boy off guard he captured his lips in a quick succession of small kisses, making Kevin’s heart falter in a mix of personal disgust and guilt.

It was absolutely nothing to do with Jacob, and no amount of kisses was going to tell him that this dirty feeling was okay.

“This is so embarrassing.” Kevin whined. He hid his face once again against the nook of Jacob’s neck. It appeared to be his favorite hiding place right now and Jacob simply huffed a small chuckle at how it felt.

“No, don’t be embarrassed.” Jacob soothed. He nudged the other boy with his shoulder to try and make him look up, but when that didn’t work Jacob used his hands to draw back Kevin’s shoulders so he could look at him.

“It’s just me. You don’t have to be embarrassed in front of me.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> entirely not beta read, the theme continues as with everything else i write lmao

Lord knows they didn’t try. Try to recreate that feeling from the first time, try to go further. Each and every time Jacob slipped a hand past the safety of Kevin’s shirt he panicked. It was beyond frustrating, definitely for the both of them, but Kevin couldn’t help but feel more sorry for Jacob.

He was so patient, so kind. He never pushed Kevin or tried to just make him ‘push past’ the uncomfortable feeling until it started to feel good for him. He waited. Part of Kevin wished Jacob wasn’t so good to him so he had less of a reason to feel guilty but in the same breath he was glad that it was nobody other than Jacob.

He wouldn’t know what to do if it wasn’t for him.

And for now they sat in their usual spot in the cafe Younghoon worked at. Once again a so-called ‘study-date’ with emphasis on the last word though Kevin still to this day could not admit to that.

They were still yet to put an ‘official title’ on it, according to Kevin.

Three months. Three months of this _thing_ and Kevin literally couldn’t do much more than sit on the others lap and kiss him. How monotonous of him, he thought.

They waited for Younghoon to bring their usual drinks. Actually studying this time as there were some exams coming soon and believe it or not Kevin didn’t actually want to fail. As he sketched some ideas out for his portfolio to submit, Jacob sat before him with a text book too.

Kevin often wished the rest was as easy as this.

Soft eyes occasionally glancing up to Jacob, watching as his eyebrows furrowed causing creases on his forehead. He looks so cute when he’s concentrating, Kevin thought. Perhaps he stared a bit too long and his eyes burrowed too deeply into Jacob’s brain making the other boy look back up to him. Kevin’s heart still jumped every time their eyes connected, he didn’t think it was possible to get over it.

“What you looking at?” Jacob quizzed him playfully. He desperately wanted to reach across the table and take Kevin’s free hand in his own, but he refrained.

“You.” Kevin answered honestly. It made Jacob smile widely, his cheeks slightly rouge as Kevin chuckled back slightly. It he couldn’t do much else he could make Jacob smile and laugh at least.

He liked that.

“You’re just cute when you’re studying, is all.” Kevin commented, feeling his chest tighten even at the thought of saying it out loud, but he had gotten slightly better with that when he knew no one was around to hear.

At least that’s what he thought.

“Can you get you two anything else?” Younghoon announced from behind Kevin. It made the black haired boy jump in panic as he dropped his pencil and finally looked away from Jacob.

“A cake, with one spoon perhaps? Maybe next time I can just super size your drink and you can share a straw.” 

Kevin arched his eyebrow up at Younghoon, refusing to make any eye contact with him but he could see in the corner of his eye that he was almost smug-like in appearance.

“No thanks, we’re good.” Jacob tried his best not to stutter. Suddenly he seemed nervous too, now why was that?

Younghoon put the two drinks down, glancing between Kevin and an increasingly growing nervous Jacob. He still didn’t leave just yet as he lingered at the table.

Kevin wished that he could disappear again.

“So you two seem to spending a lot of time together, _studying_.” Younghoon placed too much emphasis on that word for Kevin to stomach it easily. He felt his body becoming heavier in the chair as he sunk lower and lower. Jacob’s nervous laughter didn’t make him feel any better, in fact it was just confirming the worst in his head.

Younghoon knew.

“Yeah well, I have a philosophy exam coming up, and Kevin has his portfolio due.” Jacob explained in hopes that it would make his best friend leave him not without final a final comment.

“How sweet.” Younghoon rang innocently. Way too innocently to actually be innocent, Kevin knew that tone too way.

“You’re not even studying the same thing and you’re still spending time together. Adorable.”

Younghoon was terrible at this. Anxiety rippled through Kevin’s body as he was so close to just walking away and leaving. His fight or flight response kicking in and clearly he was a runner. Jacob did nothing but laugh until Younghoon finally got the message and left them alone, Jacob immediately turning for his drink to take a huge gulp of it so he didn’t have to talk.

But it’s okay because Kevin wanted to go first anyway.

“What the fuck- you told him?” He hissed with venom across the table. Jacob immediately became defensive, setting his drink down before looking back at Kevin.

Kevin looked away.

“It’s been three months, Kevin. He’s my best friend, I couldn’t _not_ tell him.” Jacob muttered back with annoyance him his tone.

“Uh, yes you could have?” Kevin almost seemed to question Jacob’s judgement which didn’t sit well with either of them. Kevin leaned slight more in over the table making sure that nobody else could listen.

“I told you, I’m not ready to come out yet.” 

“Yeah, and at this rate you’ll never be.” Jacob’s voice was flat, louder than Kevin wanted as he glanced around again to check their surroundings. His actions just pissing Jacob off even more as he folded his arms across his chest.

“You won’t kiss me in public. You won’t even hold my hand.” Jacob’s voice almost faltered and it hit Kevin in the chest. Everything Jacob was saying was true but it hurt nonetheless the hear it out loud.

“You’re terrified to go any further with me, and honestly at this point I’m just wondering if this is all some big college experiment and you’re not serious at all.”

Kevin felt like a stun grenade had just gone off in the room. His chest imploding, mind becoming numb. Did Jacob really think that?

“That’s not fair-” Kevin began to argue but Jacob closed over his textbook and began to pack away his belongings.

“No you’re right. This isn’t fair, I’ve lived long enough in the closet that I should be able to be out and happy with someone I love at this point.”

Jacob finished throwing his belongings into his bag, quickly exiting out of the cafe without even saying goodbye to Younghoon on the way, leaving a stunned Kevin behind him.

“Wait-” Kevin finally called moments too late as he heard the bell chime on the door as Jacob left. Kevin cursed himself for having half of his portfolio left out on the desk as he contemplated what to do;

If he ran after Jacob then maybe somebody would steal his stuff.

But if he stayed here he would lose Jacob.

Kevin got to his feet and ran after him.

“Wait, Jacob!” Kevin called as he exited the cafe too, taking a split second to check the surrounding area. He couldn’t have gone far and sure enough the familiar figure was heading back to the building and Kevin sprinted toward him.

“Jacob stop-” He called when he was finally a few feet from his lover.

Surprisingly, Jacob did just that.

He turned on his heels to face Kevin, clutching the bag on his shoulder, face emanating pure annoyance as he stared Kevin down and suddenly the artistic boy’s mouth ran dry.

“What did you mean in there? Somebody you love?” That word stuck with him; _love_.

Did Jacob love Kevin? Did Kevin love him? Kevin wouldn’t exactly call it that considering they couldn’t even get past first base, but Jacob-

“Don’t get too big-headed.” Jacob broke his train of thought. Jacob practically rolled his eyes at Kevin and suddenly he felt very foolish for thinking Jacob meant it in the first place.

“It’s just a term of expression; You won’t even let me touch you, let alone love you.”

Kevin felt guilt ripple through his body. Jacob was tired, he knew it. He didn’t deserve this, he did deserve somebody who could love him back just as much as he was capable of loving.

That wasn’t Kevin. At least not right now anyway.

Kevin balled his hands into fists at his sides in speechless resistance. How was he supposed to tell Jacob he wanted the same thing he just couldn’t physically do it yet? His lips pursed together tightly as he dragged his eyes up Jacob’s body in some attempt to silently relay the message; but Jacob didn’t want to see it.

The boy turned back to head toward the building but suddenly Kevin reached out to grab his arm.

“Jacob wait-” It was becoming his favorite phrase it seemed. Jacob had no choice than to pause once more.

“Look I want to be able- to do- to do all that-” He stuttered madly, he couldn’t even think about it, fuck he was so bad at this.

“It’s just-”

Jacob rolled his eyes at the upcoming excuse and tried to pull away, but Kevin's grip remained firm as he pulled him back once more.

“Look let me tell you something I’ve never told anyone before.”

Now Jacob was listening.

“Back in high school I didn’t get bullied for doing musicals, or looking feminine or acting gay.” Kevin took a deep breath in, Jacob had no idea where he was going with this.

“I was the one doing the bullying.” Kevin admitted. His hand finally fell from holding Jacob in place as he lost the strength to even look up at him.

He felt ashamed.

“What?” Jacob finally spoke.

“Yeah.” Was the only thing Kevin replied at first. He took his time but eventually he looked up at Jacob. He didn’t see anger or disgust in his expression, only confusion. Jacob’s gentle features knitting together made Kevin feel a little better to continue as he tried to explain the situation.

“I just... became filled with all this self-hate and fear. Fear that if I opened up to someone they would use it against me.”

“You think I’m going to use it against you?” Jacob quickly rebuttled and Kevin jumped to explain himself once more.

“No! Not at all! God, not you.” He put his hands out as if to exacerbate the point as if expressing it in three different ways didn’t already do that. Jacob calmed down again.

“Just... someone else.” Kevin couldn’t really get too specific. Someone else meant everyone else in his mind.

Silence fell between them and Kevin felt like running. He hated awkward silences, hated not knowing what was running through Jacob’s mind right now as he stared back at him, waiting for a response if he was going to receive any. Honestly he wouldn’t blame Jacob for turning around and leaving, he had put up with so much already that even Kevin was exhausted by himself.

“We all do crappy things in high school, Kevin. I don’t care about what you used to do to cover for yourself.” Jacob’s voice was firm but gentle.

“What I do care about now is that I can’t even hold my own boyfriend’s hand in the hallway or show him off to my friends.”

Kevin felt as if he nearly fell over upon hearing that word.

“Boyfriend?” His eyes were wide in surprise. Was that was they were doing? They were boyfriends?

Kevin couldn’t help but just stare back at Jacob, blinking a couple of times and he was tempted to rub his eyes to check that this wasn’t some fever dream that would disappear in a few seconds.

Boyfriend. Jacob was his boyfriend, apparently.

Jacob narrowed his eyes, a smirk appearing in the crevice of his lips as if he was deciding if Kevin was joking or not. But even if he wasn’t, the expression on his face was just too adorable for Jacob to stay mad at.

“Well yeah, what else would you call the past three months we’ve been together?” Jacob chuckled from his chest. Kevin’s previous worries began to melt away, he couldn’t believe Jacob wasn’t mad over this at all.

All this hiding... It was for nothing, it seemed.

“I don’t know.” Kevin shrugged, trying to suddenly play it off cool but he was fooling no one. Jacob held in his laugh at how Kevin’s expression tried to change to something more blase.

“Just... Really good friends. Hanging out.”

Jacob laughed a bit too loudly, making Kevin finally break out of his nerves and laugh back at himself too.

“Well.” Jacob hummed his laughter to a close, a hand reaching to gently touch Kevin’s face, making him stop laughing too as the warmth spread like wildfire across his body.

“I’d like to show my _really good friend_ off to everyone else.” His hand dropped back down to his own and Kevin secretly already missing the touch.

“I don’t want us to hide anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's just one chapter, but more will come soon i promise <3 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/connahquay) | [curious cat](https://curiouscat.qa/connahquay)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what is beta reading part 1029 with Connah

Kevin couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help but to over think as he readied himself for a party at Younghoon’s place tonight. He couldn’t help but think of all the new eyes on him there, watching… Waiting. Waiting for what he wasn’t even sure himself, but surely enough it probably had something to do with Jacob too and for that reason Kevin felt so guilty he almost talked himself out of going.

Almost.

Jacob didn’t deserve somebody who was as hot and cold as Kevin. Kevin, who was greedy and selfish enough to keep Jacob to himself but too ashamed to show it to the rest of the world. He propelled himself to go to this party for Jacob’s sake but the more he dwelled on it the more anxious he became.

Somebody would see them, somebody would figure it out. Younghoon already knew; how loose were his lips when he was tipsy or drunk? Did he already tell Chanhee? Changmin? His mind was racing through all the viable options and before he knew it Kevin was thinking that by the end of the night his parents would know and by extension the rest of his family and friends from his hometown and oh my god he could never show his face again- why the fuck was he dating Jacob in the first place?

Why indeed.

Kevin had witnessed what happened when others were openly out, they had been tortured, shunned by their families, mocked publicly. He knew because he was part of the group that caused it in high school. He didn’t want that- he absolutely couldn’t go through something like that.

He should just break up with Jacob.

It wasn’t the first time that thought had crossed his mind; it would definitely be easier for the both of them. Jacob could find someone actually worthwhile and Kevin… Well he could just go back to existing. Just floating through life never really getting attached to someone else, risk exposing himself.

But no matter how many times he thought that he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Because ~~he was selfish~~ he really liked Jacob.

Really, really liked him.

And then all of this ‘progress’ would’ve been for waste. All those countless hours spent in Jacob’s arms, building the courage up to hold his hand first, making the first move. All those hours of Jacob suffering through the weird movies that Kevin liked and in return Jacob making him watch soppy rom-coms as Kevin pretended not to be interested but by the end of the movie he was just as hooked as the Jacob was.

He had to do this. If not for himself, then for Jacob.

Even if it felt like three steps forward and two steps back at least they were getting somewhere. Slowly but surely they were. And as long as Jacob was willing to be patient then Kevin couldn’t ask for much else.

Finally after about twenty minutes of talking back and forth to himself he was ready to leave for Younghoon’s party.

* * *

It was going much better than expected. When he arrived Jacob was already there of course, he probably came early to help Younghoon out since they were best friends. Chanhee and Changmin were also there among a plethora of unfamiliar faces that Kevin got to know a few as the night progressed.

As he entered he was greeted by Younghoon who saw him first the ring of his name alerting his boyfriend of his arrival and no sooner than ten seconds after he stepped foot inside the door he had a drink in his hand and Jacob was stuck to his side. Then there were two other, extremely handsome but unfamiliar faces, that introduced themselves to him.

“We’re Younghoon’s roommates.” The taller, black haired one said. He was stunning, if Kevin said so himself in his head only of course. A sharp jaw, prominent features. Kevin learned his name was Juyeon as he turned to greet the brighter looking blonde next to him.

“I’m Hyunjae.” He said.

It took Kevin a moment to realize it. These were the hot roommates he caught Jacob mentioning that one time and god now he could see why he couldn’t keep that a secret. Kevin must’ve been radiating that energy or something because he felt Jacob’s hand on the small of his back almost protectively as they ended the small talk no longer than five minutes from when it began.

“We should find the others.” Jacob ushered Kevin into the room a little more, Kevin couldn’t help but chuckle a little. Jacob was cute when he was jealous.

The night progressed and he spent it mostly with Chanhee, Changmin and Jacob. Younghoon flitted in sometimes, of course having to entertain multiple people in his home and keep an eye on them. But his current company was just exactly what he needed. It was comfortable and fulfilling. Especially with Jacob.

“I’m just saying you should at least try to get your dick wet.” Chanhee’s words almost made Kevin spit out his drink. He was definitely more than tipsy right now but even so the illicit rated comments from Chanhee’s mouth were enough to catch him off guard.

“I don’t think it’s from a lack of trying, Chanhee.” Jacob intervened.

They were currently discussing Changmin’s sex life, or rather lack of, for some reason or another. Jacob made it apparent to him in the past that this was honestly what most of their LBGT meetings went like. People prying for information about others lives in some attempt to gain satisfaction in their own. Oddly enough he did advise him to join still, as sometimes there were nuggets of golden advice hidden in the plethora of sex talk.

“I don’t think you’re qualified to comment on this.” Chanhee waved his finger at Jacob to shush him and Jacob laughed in response to it.

“Yeah.” Changmin slurred a little, clearly happy to get the topic off himself.

“What happened to that boy you mentioned like, 3 months ago? Did you ever find out if he was gay?”

Kevin would’ve usually felt a horrible pang in his stomach at that indication. The fact that Changmin was clearly talking about him and that meant Jacob had brought the issue up to others before. But alcohol was doing wonders as absolutely no names were dropped and that made him feel safe.

“Who knows?” Jacob shrugged playfully. His laugh made Kevin feel calmer still, not drawing attention to anything about them at all and honestly most of the night had been like that.

Gentle touches here and there, guiding him through the rooms. Nothing over the top that would draw attention to them; this was great. Why couldn’t he always feel like this? Happy and absolutely too drunk to care.

“I’m still waiting to find out what _he_ is-” Chanhee gestured directly at Kevin who’s lips turned into a nervous smile when he did so.

Chanhee tilted his head, pouting a little and honestly Kevin wondered why Jacob called him a man eater sometimes. He seemed to cute to be such a thing, even if he did talk about sex a lot.

“Are you gay? Bi? Into trains? Oh my god, you’re not a furry, are you? I’m sorry that’s where I draw the line.” Chanhee rambled off as his eyesbrows began to furrow in pity. Kevin nervously laughed and put tilted his head back. Chanhee was always on this track and Kevin had absolutely no idea why he was so obsessed with it.

“A furry, what?” He began but Jacob was quick to intervene once more.

“Okay I think we’ve had enough wine, gimme that.” He plucked the cup from Chanhee’s unsteady hands all too easily as the boy’s mouth fell open in disgust at the actions… Only for him to do the exact same to Changmin and snatch his cup to claim for himself moments later.

“Actually I need to use the bathroom-” Kevin announced in typical drunken style. Jacob was too busy glaring at Chanhee’s actions to look over to his boyfriend.

“Upstairs on the right.” Jacob said without looking away, and Kevin heeded his words and left.

Bathrooms at parties were always some weird type of safe haven. The dull music giving battered ears a chance to rest as the slightly less stale air made the alcohol hit you harder. Kevin couldn’t keep his balance too well so he quickly peed and left the bathroom to see if he could attempt to get Jacob to take him home for the night already.

Jacob walking him home, their hands entwining. Right now Kevin thought he wouldn’t mind that. Maybe he could do this after all.

As he walked back down stairs he was met by Younghoon, Juyeon and Hyunjae lingering near the front door. They greeted him and he stayed to talk to them.

* * *

“Do you ever just want to try a straight man.” Chanhee narrowed his eyes at nothing in particular as he thought about that momentarily.

“Not really.” Changmin shrugged easily. Jacob shrugged too and Chanhee laughed loudly at their responses.

“You guys are boring, where’s the challenger in you?”

“Why does being with someone have to be a challenge?” Changmin mused out loud, and Jacob’s eyes dropped a little to the floor as he let it hit too close to home.

“For the excitement? The thrill? The pleasure in knowing that you conquered something and-”

“Okay, Julius we get it.” Jacob laughed off finally and luckily Chanhee got the hint.

He took a huge mouthful of his drink, pratically emptying the cup before looking around.

“Hey, isn’t that Kevin talking to Younghoon and his hot roommates?” Chanhee said out loud. Jacob’s eyes scanned the area to confirm it.

“Yeah, you’re right. Be right back.” Jacob said as he walked over to join them. Chanhee decided he wanted in on the action too and followed.

“Hey guys.” Jacob greeted, he crept right up Kevin’s side that the poor boy almost jumped and spilled his drink as his boyfriend joined them.

They had weirdly been talking about sports. Not Kevin’s forte and neither did it seem Younghoon’s as Juyeon and Hyunjae were the ones mostly talking. But as Jacob joined them and suddenly was able to join in Kevin had to say he was pretty surprised.

He guessed there were still a lot of things they didn’t know about each other.

“Are there any hot basketball players though, like really?” Chanhee asked in all seriousness. Hyunjae and Juyeon genuinely mulled over the thought before they answered.

“Depends what you’re into.” Hyunjae answered.

“Yeah, definitely.” Juyeon added as if it was helpful. But the fact that they were both interested seemed to have Chanhee on edge.

“Oh I’m not picky. I like them big, small, smart, or not.” Chanhee’s tone was almost like velvet that even Kevin seemed to be hooked on what he was saying. Just at that time Chanhee’s hand came to wrap around Kevin’s shoulder to keep him steady. Gentle fingers digging into his skin making him flushed. Something Jacob noticed but didn’t see the cause.

“What Chanhee really is saying is that he appreciates the sport.” Jacob nodded unconvincingly. Chanhee’s hand fell from Kevin as he brought his attention back to the others.

“Most definitely.”

Jacob looked at Kevin, his face slightly red and it had him concerned.

“Are you okay? Do you need some air?” Jacob offered.

Actually, air sounded very good right now to Kevin.

* * *

Pushing open the patio door the cold breeze hit him and suddenly Kevin felt every drop of alcohol he had drank so far. The heat on his flushed face kept him warm as he took a deep breath in; it was nice to get away from the stale smell of smoke unfurling from the kitchen people were hot boxing in and the sickly sweet smell of Hyunjae’s cologne.

It felt nice, though. Listening to other people talk so freely, seeing how no one around them even so much batted an eyelid.

Kevin kind of wished it were him.

But instead, he was here, escaping the realities inside for a moment, wandering the small yard in the back that was overgrown and unkempt. Kevin thought Younghoon would be the type to keep things neat and in order but he guessed living with a bunch of other guys could change that in a person.

“Mind if I join you?” Jacob’s sweet, only honey-like yet obviously drunken voice called from behind. Kevin was quick to look over his shoulder, seeing his boyfriend approach behind him.

It was still weird to think of Jacob like that; as his boyfriend. The feeling even stayed as Jacob wrapped one arm around Kevin’s waist as he lazily came to his side.

“How’re you feeling? Drunk?” Jacob’s words were slightly slurred together indicating he was probably more sober than Kevin but not by much. Kevin wobbled slightly in his spot as Jacob’s hand tugged a little at his waist as if prompting him to answer the question.

“Yeah a little.” He mumbled back.

The smile on Jacob’s face made Kevin’s heart skip a beat. He had no idea if it was from his answer or if Jacob was just happy in general tonight. But now that the two of them were alone he liked to think it was because of him.

“You looked like you were having fun in there.” Jacob remarked. Kevin couldn’t help but laugh at little, remembering the way Jacob seemed to be watching him as he talked to the others. Even if he tried not to, Jacob seemingly couldn’t take his eyes off of him. Kevin couldn’t help but notice it too.

“What, talking to Younghoon’s hot roommates?” Kevin teased. Jacob didn’t remove his hand as he turned to face Kevin a little more.

“Yeah, they were super fun, were you jealous? I could feel your eyes in the side of my head.” His voice was playful and light, Jacob recognizing it as such too.

Jacob’s gently turned Kevin toward him, Kevin barely realizing he was doing so until they were face to face as Jacob leaned into him, pressing a hand against the small of his back.

“Not at all.” Jacob said oh so confidently that Kevin forgot how to breathe for a second. Jacob practically pressed his nose against Kevin’s, the darkness of the night half hiding them from the light of the party.

“Not when I’ve got you right here now.”

Jacob moved in to kiss him, planting his lips on the corner of Kevin’s mouth before moving in closer. Kevin’s breath returned to him, humming drunkenly as Jacob kissed him, letting him do so for a brief minute before a dull noise from the house reminded them that they weren’t exactly alone.

“Not now, Jacob.” Kevin muttered as he turned his head away. His half closed eyes made him feel even more intoxicated and he felt one of Jacob’s hands come to try and turn his face back to him.

“Why not? No one’s gonna see us.” Jacob returned. That low tone made Kevin feel weak enough for Jacob to kiss him one more time, this time Kevin slightly returning it before he pulled away again.

“Just… No, Jacob.” His voice was lazy and gentle, meant with no discourse or anger in it but something about it still ticked Jacob off.

And as Kevin moved to remove Jacob’s hand from his chin it was definitely enough to start an argument.

“Okay, what’s the problem this time?” Jacob sighed, dropping his hand from Kevin’s waist heavily, suddenly Kevin felt the tension in the air become thick and heavy.

“You saw how everyone was in there, they don’t care!”

“Well I care!” Kevin intervened, his voice a little too loud as he even made himself jump and quieten down to not draw any attention to them. Jacob took a deep breath in through his nose to steady himself.

“Kevin, we’ve been through this; I don’t want to hide anymore.”

“And you want me to come out drunk, at a party of all places?”

“Now is as good of a time as any other.”

“No Jacob.” Kevin took a step back finally as Jacob tilted his head as he felt hurt by the action.

“You don’t get to decide that for me.” He finished.

He could see it. The pain in his eyes even though Kevin’s words were right. It’s like he was constantly fighting Jacob who was trying to rip down this brick wall around him, racing to repair it as Jacob worked on a different part of it. It was tiring, Kevin wanted to give it up as he was fighting both himself and Jacob. But apparently he wasn’t willing to go down easily.

“I know it’s frustrating.” Kevin explain. Jacob rolled his eyes at the obvious but Kevin wasn’t sober enough to be deterred.

“Trust me, I know. I’ve thought so many times about how we should break up because-”

“You’re breaking up with me?” Jacob interjected and Kevin’s heart jumped into his throat at the implication.

“What? No! No- I said, I _thought_ about it-” Kevin salvaged the situation but Jacob’s mind was still hinged on the words.

_Break up._

Kevin stumbled over his words. Fuck he wished he wasn’t this drunk. He knew what he wanted to say but it was as if there was a lag from his thoughts to his mouth and he could just see Jacob becoming more and more frustrated with it.

“- Because it just isn’t fair on you to keep going through all this for me.” He salvaged. At least he thought so.

“Then TRY Kevin, that’s all I keep asking you to do but you’re so hot and cold with me I don’t know if I can take this anymore.”

Kevin felt like his heart had just been shattered into pieces. Ripped from his chest and thrown aside, cracking like glass before splintering into a thousand tiny fragments.

“What are you saying?” He managed to mumble out somehow, unable to rip his eyes off of Jacob he stood before him with furrowed brows as if he was realizing the heavy impact of his words.

“That maybe you’re right. Maybe we should break up. Maybe you need to get your priorities straight and figure out what you want from this because I can’t keep doing this Kevin, I just can’t-”

The way Jacob’s voice cracked in his final words had Kevin lunging forward in an attempt to grab Jacob. He needed him, but just as he reached for the others arm Jacob took a step back and ended it all.

“I can’t wait around for you forever.” Jacob’s voice was more steady and firm this time as he turned away to head back inside.

Kevin tried once more, his hand landing on Jacob’s shoulder this time as he stumbled slightly in the dimness outside over drunken feet, but Jacob simply shoved his attempt away with a shrug.

“Don’t follow me. Okay?” It was almost like a warning and Kevin obeyed, watching as Jacob walked back inside to the return to the party.


	12. Chapter 12

Kevin stayed outside. He stayed outside until his hands turned numb from the cold and his body began to shake. He didn’t know when it was appropriate to go inside.

_ ‘Don’t follow me.’  _ Did Jacob plan on staying at the party? Did he already leave?

Either way, Kevin stayed outside. He stayed outside because he knew if he crossed paths with any of his friends,  _ Jacob’s friends _ , that he would probably end up crying and he didn’t want anyone to ask what was wrong because if they asked it would just open up a whole gateway he didn’t know how to turn back from.

So he stayed outside.

He knew eventually he would have to go back inside, at least to say goodbye to people quickly as he headed home to the safety of his bed where he could cry and not be judged or have others wonder why he was crying.

Did Jacob just break up with him? Was it officially over? He had so many more questions left unanswered all because Jacob told him not to follow him and his chest began to hurt in the confusion until he almost couldn’t breathe.

Then he decided to go inside.

The loud music was suddenly unwelcoming, making him feel out of place as it dragged his mood down further. He did his best to retain a stiff upper lip as he passed by the kitchen, making a bee line back to the last place he saw everyone standing at. Just Changmin and Chanhee remained in that spot.

“Kevin, hey!” Changmin greeted enthusiastically. Kevin couldn’t fault him personally, he was drunk and unassuming but the brashness of his tone made him feel unprovokedly angry and annoyed. 

Changmin’s arm slung around Kevin’s shoulder, the feeling making Kevin’s chest swell in pain once again as he struggled to hold back tears already.

“I’m gonna go guys.” He managed to mutter. Chanhee, who was standing before him, cricked his neck in surprise.

“What?” Chanhee replied, Changmin’s arm around Kevin’s shoulder tightened in resistance.

“So early? But why?” Changmin’s words slurred into one as Kevin pursed his lips together tightly. God, he really didn’t want to answer that.

“It’s just, I’m not in the mood, and I should probably go-” Kevin’s voice was low to stop it from trembling as he spoke. Chanhee’s eyes burrowing deeper into him with every passing word, clearly he saw straight through Kevin’s ruse but was opting to stay quiet for now.

“No, Kevin!” Changmin’s peppy voice insisted. His arm fell around Kevin’s arm now, practically pulling him into some kind of hug that he definitely didn’t want to be a part of. 

“Just stay with us! Jacob will be back soon he said he-” Changmin began to ramble off but as that name caught Kevin’s ear he felt himself panic and become claustrophobic.

“Jacob? I shouldn’t-” Kevin muttered, finally pulling himself from Changmin’s semi vice grip, batting his hands away in the process as they tried to linger on his skin.

He felt so dizzy, the added effect of anxiety mixing with his alcohol consumption he felt like he could barely stand up straight. It was apparent too as Chanhee took a step forward.

“Are you okay?” He asked, with genuine concern in his voice as Kevin stumbled back a step.

He couldn’t do this. He tried his best to stop the tears spilling on his face as he lifted his chin up and turned away.

“I should go. I’ve gotta go.” Kevin finally finished before turning on his heels. Letting his drunken legs carry him as fast as he could out of the building. 

He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t keep the tears from streaming over the brim of his eyes and onto his face. He fucked up. This was all his fault, and he couldn’t even fix it because he couldn’t even bear to face him on a good day let alone like this right now. He didn’t even know where he was, this house on the outside of campus, how did he even get back? He felt sick and suddenly oh so tired.

Before he even knew where to go there was a hand on his shoulder, making him jump in panic until he realized who it was.

“Kevin, what’s wrong? Did something happen tonight?” Chanhee asked him, and honestly it was not the person he would’ve been expecting. 

Chanhee could be hot and cold; somebody who cared a lot about others but then selfish in the next breath. He was at best semi-serious most of the time and usually had his own prerogative. But right now the warm hand on his shoulder felt all too real that Kevin could no longer hold back his tears.

“I fucked up.” He gulped harshly. It didn’t explain much but Chanhee grimaced in sympathy.

“I fucked up. I ruined a perfectly good thing because I’m incapable of being a decent human being-” Kevin’s voice carried away, opening flood gates to every anxiety and insecurity in his mind. His words mashed together as the alcohol slowed his tongue down too much to be fully coherent. Chanhee listened before tightening the grip on his shoulder, leading Kevin toward the open street.

“Why the fuck am I like this? Why couldn’t I just be honest? I’m such a wreck I don’t blame-” He continued to cry, this time the tears causing bubbles in the back of his throat making him hiccup and cough as he tried to explain. Chanhee pulled his phone out to call for a taxi.

“Okay wait, just calm down.” Chanhee said, not looking up to Kevin as he focused on opening the taxi app and ordering one to get back to campus.

“Let’s get a taxi back to campus and then you can explain what happened.”

* * *

The taxi journey wasn’t totally silent. They sat on opposite sides of the back seat, Kevin sniffling and hiccuping as he attempted to calm himself down. Chanhee didn’t utter a word. Every so often Kevin would attempt to explain, but every time it was met with Chanhee shushing him quiet. Probably because he didn’t want the taxi driver knowing everything about their business. Kevin guessed he could appreciate that.

As they climbed out of the taxi it took Kevin a moment to realize where they were. They were on the opposite side of the campus to where Kevin’s dormitory was. It made sense, considering Chanhee probably had no idea where Kevin lived and just took the taxi to his own address. Kevin absentmindedly followed Chanhee into the building despite never receiving exclusive word if he should or not.

Then slowly but surely the story began to spill out from his brain.

“I’m just so fucking stupid, why did I let someone so good to me walk away like that?” He cried softly in contrast to his stark words.

He was a fool, he knew it, he felt it. Jacob was nothing but good to him and he let him walk away without a fight. It hurt so much, Kevin didn’t want to feel it anymore. He wanted the pain to go away, he wanted to forget about everything that happened tonight, even the good parts. He wished he had drank more and blacked out because even though he was imperatively close to that right now it didn’t wasn’t enough to completely forget come tomorrow, he knew.

Chanhee simply hummed at his plight. Not that Kevin paid too much attention to it, he was too wrapped up in his own emotions to barely realize what he was saying, never mind the reaction he was getting. It prompted Kevin to continue.

“Just because I couldn’t be honest with myself.” Kevin gulped, the air going straight to his stomach making him feel sick and queasy. He barely even registered that they were standing outside of a room, Chanhee jangling the keys in the lock in an attempt to open it. He was drunk too, maybe less so than Kevin before nevertheless enough that even opening his own door was a bit of a struggle. Kevin continued to cry his woes.

“I just let him walk away like that- I should’ve chased him, I shouldn’t have listened to Jacob when he said let’s break up. I should’ve-”

“Wait, Jacob?” Chanhee finally intervened. 

Kevin felt a whole new type of dizzy.

Saying Jacob’s name out loud, what a stupid mistake. A stupid, foolish, drunken mistake and now it was too late to take it back as Chanhee looked over at him to confirm what he just heard but Kevin’s mouth ran dry and he couldn’t respond at all.

“You’re dating Jacob?” Chanhee’s voice was more like a statement than a question as the door finally opened. Kevin swallowed his pride.

For he was drunk, and the secret was out so he might as well finish.

“Well, past tense.” He muttered barely audibly to Chanhee. He felt his heart hang heavy in his chest. Despite how much it tried to hide it over the past three months he had always secretly enjoyed knowing that Jacob was his. And he was Jacob’s. 

Knowing that it was now all in the past hurt like he had never experienced before, he just wanted the pain to go away.

“He broke up with me tonight and-” Kevin further explained but he was swiftly cut off with the pressure of Chanhee’s lips against his own.

For that brief moment Kevin couldn’t think at all. He felt nothing, no thoughts, no feelings. Just skin pressing against skin as Chanhee stopped him from breathing and he waited for him to stop.

“What are you doing?” Kevin muttered the moment Chanhee pulled away enough for him to do so. He was breathless, mind empty as he couldn’t contemplate what just happened between them.

Chanhee wrapped his slender hands around Kevin’s waist. Feelings kneading against the material Kevin oddly found it comforting as he didn’t move an inch, letting Chanhee do all the work.

“I’ve been dying to do that since I met you in psychology class.” Chanhee’s voice rang lower than Kevin had ever heard it before, it was oddly intoxicating as he finally gained the courage to look at him directly in the eyes.

“I just didn’t know if you were gay or not.” 

Words that would’ve made him jump before suddenly seemed so numb, the way Chanhee looked at him was the complete opposite of how Jacob did. There was no affection, no ‘ready when you are’ stare; just utter lust and desire and now that the secret was out Chanhee felt like he could take it all.

And he did.

Chanhee connected their lips again, once again Kevin barely doing the work as Chanhee pushed deeper. His hands on Kevin’s waist pulled him closer, pushing his tongue past Kevin’s lips until he reciprocated the kiss. It didn’t take much to draw things out of Kevin, a slight moan as he felt the heat of Chanhee’s fingers against his skin as they crawled underneath his shirt. Chanhee used it to his advantage, coaxing Kevin into the room and closing the door behind them.

Kevin didn’t want to open his eyes. He didn’t want to realize that this was probably the worst decision he could ever make, or that it wasn’t even Jacob he was kissing right now.

He didn’t care. He just wanted it all to stop. The pain of remembering Jacob. How Jacob would even attempt to do something like this was Kevin would panic and it would all stop. Right now he didn’t want it to stop. Chanhee’s lips moved down onto Kevin’s neck, Kevin gasping lightly as he alternated between light and heavy pressure with his lips against his skin. Jacob used to do this too, never using teeth; never hurting Kevin, never leaving any trace of him on his body for fear Kevin wouldn’t like it.

But now he didn’t care.

Chanhee’s hands worked to pull Kevin’s shirt off. Too preoccupied to panic about being exposed more than he had ever done before in such an intimate manner Kevin reconnected their lips as Chanhee pushed them back onto the bed. 

Chanhee used the brief separation to remove his own shirt and pants, giving Kevin a moment of dizzying relief as he let his head fall back on the bed.

Everything was moving far too fast, he could barely breathe let alone think but that was perfect because he didn’t want to think. If he thought for a minute and remembered that this wasn’t Jacob he was with right now then his world would come crumbling down. He would feel sick, terrified even that his secret was out to yet another person who in an instant took it upon themselves to claim Kevin in a way no one else had. Of course Chanhee didn’t know about that as his delicate hands moved to rid Kevin of his jeans, Kevin even assisting him as he slightly tilted his hips up as Chanhee’s hands glided down his thighs.

Every touch felt surreal, like he was dreaming or this wasn’t really happening. He blamed it on the darkness of the room and the alcohol in his blood. He blamed it on the fact that he never got to experience this with Jacob no matter how much he wanted to, so he didn’t know how it was supposed to feel with somebody you loved, he only knew what it felt like now. Like trying to fill up a void somewhere, literally everywhere, all over his body as Chanhee came to situate himself over Kevin’s thighs.

“Let’s get you started, shall we?” Chanhee’s voice still sounded like honey, making Kevin sigh and nod in a lame attempt to agree to it. He had no idea what Chanhee meant by those words but he quickly gained his answer as Chanhee lowered his mouth around his cock.

“Ah- Jacob.” It was a mistake, an automatic reaction to the only touch he had known so far and Chanhee pulled his head back to look up at Kevin.

Kevin’s hands curled into the sheets, the embarrassment rife in his body as he tensed in worry about what reaction he just caused. But Chanhee laughed slightly and shook his head.

“I’ll give you that since you just broke up tonight. Next time I won’t be so nice.” He warned. 

Kevin felt the flurry of drunken thoughts and anxiety flood his mind as Chanhee wrapped his mouth around him again. This time Kevin bit his lip to keep quiet, desperate not to make the same mistake again.

It was weird, messy, not exactly pleasurable. Kevin couldn’t really focus on it fully as Chanhee suctioned his cheeks around his dick in an attempt to make him harder, drawing a groan from Kevin’s mouth as he caved a little. He supposed Chanhee was good at it, feeling his tongue slick around his dick, as the tip hit the back of Chanhee’s throat and made him hum vibrations down him.

Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all.

But why couldn’t he do this before with Jacob? That’s all he could think of. Jacob’s lips against his own, Jacob’s hands fumbling on his body. He would give anything to have that right now, even imagining Jacob going down on him as once again Chanhee’s tongue slicked along his hardening dick making Kevin whine and reach for Chanhee’s hair in reaction to the sensation and thoughts in his mind. 

Chanhee stopped, making a loud popping sound for added effect as he lifted himself off of Kevin’s dick. Chanhee moved quickly to kiss Kevin once again, the saltiness making the boy grimace in response as Chanhee dominated the kiss.

It was easy enough to let Chanhee do all the work. He was willing and ready and honestly Kevin had no clue what to do at all so he simply just wished that Chanhee wouldn’t ask anything of him. Chanhee seemed to inherently understand. Reaching over to his night stand to take a bottle of lube from it, the click of the cap opening scared Kevin enough to make his stomach knot up and tense.

“Are you clean?” Chanhee asked so nonchalantly Kevin was speechless. Also he had no idea what he meant.

Clean? What did that have to do with any of this?

“What?” Kevin finally coughed up the courage to ask. Chanhee huffed a chuckle as he poured the gel onto two of his fingers.

“Like, STI’s. Do you need to use a condom, that’s what I’m saying.” 

How Chanhee sounded so calm in the middle of this was so contrasting to how Kevin felt. He felt exhausted, drained, both emotionally and physically from crying so hard and suddenly ending up in Chanhee’s bed. He couldn’t remove Jacob from his mind no matter how much he tried, only Chanhee’s touch aided him in temporarily displacing that agony with short bursts of pleasure mixed between the new and unusual sensations he was feeling too.

Kevin simply nodded his head and pursed his lips together to answer. He was a virgin, even if Chanhee didn’t know that.

Chanhee took it. Silently inserting his own fingers inside himself as he kneeled over Kevin’s abdomen Chanhee cursed lowly at the feeling as his other hand steadied himself on Kevin’s chest.

What else could Kevin do but watch? Hearing the small moans of satisfaction fall from Chanhee’s lips made him think of the few times he had managed to pull that from Jacob. When they went as far as grinding fully clothed against each other, whenever Kevin got brave enough to bite his lip or sink his teeth into his neck. He closed his eyes again and imagined for the moment it was Jacob he was with. Listening to moans slightly too high pitched to be his but still his inhibited mind managed to ignore that, making Kevin relax into the sheets as his hands came up to roam Chanhee’s thighs and make small circles on his skin. Chanhee whined at the touch before deciding it just wasn’t enough.

He moved, Kevin opening his eyes as he felt Chanhee withdraw from his grip to reposition himself over the others hips. Kevin barely had a chance to sit up and see what he was doing before Chanhee lowered himself onto Kevin’s dick making him cry and drop back against the bed.

“Ah fuck.” He hissed, Chanhee giving him a second before moving all the way down on him. It was incredibly uncomfortable, nothing like his own hand or the friction of his pants that he was used to. Kevin felt like he could come any second and apparently Chanhee realized it too as he quickly set a pace in order to chase his own high.

“Just like that, right there.” Chanhee whined into the hot air, Kevin lay almost perfectly still as Chanhee did all the work. Bouncing up and down on his cock, the sound of skin against skin as Chanhee switched to grind against Kevin for a deeper impact.

The change made Kevin’s stomach twist in pleasure, huffing out a disgruntled groan his instinct was to grab Chanhee’s tiny waist and hold tightly.

“Fuck, Kevin, right there, keep going right there.” Chanhee’s words were almost lost between his cries as he sped up. Kevin’s breath began to shake as he felt like he couldn’t hold on for much longer, the tips of his fingers becoming white as he gripped Chanhee even tighter.

He had no idea what to do, how any of this was pleasurable for Chanhee let alone himself. Chanhee’s hands came to assist Kevin in helping him grind against his hips, the deep movements making Kevin whine and bite his lower lip, but still something was missing from it all. A spark, a connection, these movements meant nothing if there was no meaning in them.

  
  


It felt weird that it wasn’t Jacob’s name he was calling, but it also didn’t feel real. It was emotionless, just simple actions as Chanhee fucked onto him, whines of pleasure escaping his lips and thus making Kevin return them occasionally. But it made him forget. As the endorphins slowly took over his body his moans came easier, feeling his hips arch up a little, tilting Chanhee closer to him as the boy steadied himself on his chest. 

Chanhee whined as finally Kevin gave in, thrusting up slowly making the pink haired boy drop himself onto his chest. His hands took hold of Kevin’s shoulders as finally the virgin boy seemed to get it, Kevin’s hands still firmly on Chanhee’s hips while he fucked up into him more steadily. Instinct kicking him as Chanhee whined the other’s name against the crook of his neck making Kevin shiver.

“I’m gonna come-” Kevin managed to mutter into Chanhee’s ear. He was embarrassing, the time felt incredibly short and he felt utterly useless. This wasn’t worth it, he thought. He shouldn’t have been going this with Chanhee, of all people. It should’ve been Jacob. But it wasn’t.

“Okay.” Chanhee sighed as he picked himself back up once more until Kevin’s lap properly. Kevin whined at the feeling of Chanhee fully on him, the pink haired boy not giving him a second to adjust before he began to fuck him once more, hands sinking into Kevin’s thighs, nails almost piercing his skin.

Kevin closed his eyes as he felt overwhelmed, his orgasm on the edge as his mouth was openly streaming moans and profanities. Before he could even muster any more words of warning together he came inside Chanhee, the boy on top grinding to a halt as the feeling made him shiver as Kevin’s fingers dug deeply into Chanhee’s thighs.

He didn’t feel any better after his orgasm peaked. As Chanhee made himself come with his hand, catching it in tissues and disposing of them to the side before he lay down next to Kevin, and that made him feel worse.

Why the fuck did he did this? How the fuck did he do this? 

If all it took was to get drunk and sad then this should’ve happened months ago. But every time back then Jacob stopped them before they went too far because he didn’t want to take advantage of him.

Unlike Chanhee who seemed to be waiting for it.

His thoughts returned, making him sober up far too quickly for his liking as he turned over to check on Chanhee, the small boy already falling asleep and Kevin felt obligated to leave him alone and suffer in silence.

It was a mistake.

The entire night was one giant mistake.


	13. Chapter 13

Kevin didn’t remember falling asleep. He didn’t remember where he was either when he woke up or why he was in some strange room, or why he was naked for a moment. Until he sat up in the bed and looked around, realizing it wasn’t even Jacob’s room and then everything from last night came flooding back to him.

The break up. Chanhee.

Fuck. He really did that last night.

He had so much regret, he felt sick from both the hangover and actions that he wished never would’ve happened.

Why the fuck did he let Jacob walk away? Why did he go home with Chanhee?

Why the fuck did he sleep with Chanhee?

He had to get out of the room, he couldn’t bear to face Chanhee looking or feeling like this. God he never wanted to look at him again, he couldn’t face the embarrassment he felt just thinking of how Chanhee would look at him from now on.

He stood up, legs weak from last night in many different ways as he reached down to pick his clothes from the floor. He felt disgusting. Slipping on the stale shirt and pants he wore last night he was too slow as Chanhee opened the bathroom door clad in only a towel.

“You’re leaving so soon? You haven’t even showered yet.” Chanhee was so unfazed by everything it almost knocked Kevin over. This was not what he expected after his first time.

Mostly because he never imagined a first time at all. He had barely scraped over the idea with Jacob.

“I just have to go- Sorry-” He muttered, not looking up at the other boy as he shoved his socks onto his feet one by one. Chanhee simply wandered into the center of the room, looking into the mirror which rested on his closet.

“Why? It’s not like you’re going back to someone.” The underhanded comment completely caught Kevin off guard as he felt his heart pang in his chest and sink into his stomach.

He suddenly tasted something vile in his throat as he let the feeling fester that he had indeed lost Jacob. Chanhee indeed was right. Suddenly everything was too real and Kevin began to worry all over again.

“Just.. Don’t tell anyone, please?” He pleaded quietly, his voice half broken and sad. Chanhee turned around, looking slightly too confused for a boy that definitely knew what was going on.

“About last night.” He felt like he had to clarify. Chanhee smiled curiously as he opened the closet to get dressed.

“Why? What are you so worried about?” 

Kevin felt sick practically seep into his throat as his nerves grew heavier by the second. Chanhee lazily picked out his selection of clothes for the day as he mused over Kevin’s silence.

“Unless.”

Kevin’s stomach twisted in the worst way ever. He was about to be exposed, Chanhee was about to admit that he knew everything; that Kevin wasn’t out yet and what’s worse now Chanhee was going to tell the world. Every terrible thought hit his mind at once; losing his family, his friends, getting kicked out of college. Nothing was impossible when it came to this sort of anxiety; every completely irrational fear seemed so valid right now. As Chanhee turned to look at him with the most mischievous of smirks.

“Oh my god… Was that your first time? Did I take your v-card?” Chanhee sounded way too thrilled by such a concept and Kevin’s world stopped moving for a second. 

...That was definitely not what he expected Chanhee to focus on but his reaction seemed to scream ‘correct’ to Chanhee who continued to be obsessed with that detail.

“No way, but I thought you were with Jacob?” Chanhee just had to continue, and Kevin felt the anxiety in his body be replaced with a mix of annoyance and sadness.

“Uhm.” Kevin smacked his lips together as he narrowed his eyes in confusion. “Yeah well… We never got around to that.” 

Chanhee remained peppy about the situation, closing the closet door with his clothes folded over his arms. He seemed on top of the world having that knowledge under his metaphorical belt.

“Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.” Chanhee winked. It didn’t make Kevin feel any better at all. He grabbed his shoes by the door and put them on quickly.

“Hey, and maybe next time you won’t have to be so frigid, hm?” Chanhee commented. Kevin felt the embarrassment hit his face as he turned to leave.

* * *

He felt sick to his stomach with shame and guilt. He wasn’t exactly sure why he felt so guilty, him and Jacob were broken up, right? But he felt guilty that for the longest time he had been pushing Jacob away only for him to do this in one foolishly drunken night that literally didn’t mean anything. 

He wanted it to be with Jacob, and he knew that now.

The next day when class started Kevin didn’t want to get out of bed. He felt physically sick, his stomach riddled with anxiety and he felt dizzy and unsteady as he dragged his feet down the corridor. Half of him prayed that Jacob wouldn’t show up to psych class today, whereas the other half would be devastated if that were the case.

If Jacob didn’t show up… Would that mean that Chanhee might have said something? Maybe Jacob just wanted nothing to do with Kevin anymore, and he really couldn’t stomach that thought.

But both fortunately and unfortunately that wasn’t the case. Jacob was there early, and sat in their usual spot. Kevin froze in the doorway, eyes hooked on Jacob who looked tired and defeated. Kevin’s heart ached. He wanted so badly for things to return to normal; to be able to go and sit next to him, for their hands to play under the desk where nobody could see. But in the same breath he felt so unworthy and disgusting knowing where his hands had been the other night and he definitely did not deserve Jacob after that.

Jacob looked towards the figure lingering in the door frame- Kevin. His heart stopped as dreary eyes connected with his own, it almost felt like Jacob was looking right into him, secrets spilling out and Kevin felt his mouth become dry. Even though he knew it wasn’t true he couldn’t bear it; he quickly averted his gaze and scurried to an empty seat a couple of rows behind Jacob.

Another mistake as for the rest of the class he couldn’t stop staring at the back of his head.

Time went by too fast but the moment class was dismissed Kevin practically bolted for the door. He couldn’t bear to face Jacob in any way, shape, or form. He wondered how long this feeling would last.

The guilt, the shame. Knowing how hurt Jacob would be if he found out. Even if he never found out Kevin didn’t know if he could live with the feeling inside of him. His secret was out to yet another person and he felt like he was slowly losing control over every aspect of his life; something he had been fighting to hold onto for years in some desperate grasp to maintain ‘normalcy’ in whatever aspect that meant to him.

As he darted out of the classroom door, way before Jacob could even glance at him, he was stopped by a familiar face waiting for him.

“Hey, wanna get breakfast?” Chanhee greeted nonchalantly. Kevin practically skidded to a stop a meter before him, eyes wide in both surprise and the audacity Chanhee had to just show up like this.

He had never before even contacted Kevin individually, so why now?

“What, now?” Kevin asked absurdly, it was pretty out of the blue for Chanhee to ask such a thing but also… Wasn’t it just breakfast?

Chanhee took a step closer, peeling his back from the wall that he had been leaning against while waiting.

“Yeah, we have an hour to kill, I thought we could get a bite to eat.” His offer seemed genuine that Kevin felt… relieved? Chanhee wasn’t treating him any differently even after that night.

“Um well-” He debated the offer until anxiety hit his chest at the sound of Jacob’s voice from behind him.

“Kevin.” He said, the name striking panic into his entire being. 

Kevin turned around on his heels, his gaze meeting Jacob he seemed to be imploring something silently to him through his own eyes as he slightly bit his bottom lip. Kevin’s heart was breaking all over again.

“Can we talk?”

Kevin physically felt unable to reply to that so he simply just nodded.

He allowed Jacob to take him lightly by his arm, just a few meters away from Chanhee who was seemingly going to wait for Kevin as he folded his arms across his chest impatiently.

When they were slightly further away from potentially prying eyes and ears, Jacob let out a long, heavy sigh.

“I’m sorry about what happened the other night.” Jacob started. “I didn’t mean it, I want to keep trying at this.” 

Kevin suddenly felt like he existed in a void. Everything inside of him felt so empty, it was like he was surrounded by white noise; he could barely take in what Jacob was saying.

...Did they not break up? 

“I know how hard it’s been for you, I’m sorry I let my frustration get the better of me that night- anyway what I’m saying is; I don’t want us to break up.”

“You guys are still together?” Chanhee intervened, his voice flecked with curiosity and Jacob immediately turned around to look at the intruder to their conversation.

Kevin wished he could disappear. He felt the world swallowing him whole yet he was still here in real time watching everything burn down.

“Still?” Jacob raised an eyebrow at such an assumption before he quickly looked back to Kevin for more confirmation.

“Kevin, you told him?” 

The two of them stared at Kevin with very different intent. Jacob was prying for answers desperately, making his heart sink into his stomach and Chanhee’s eyes practically felt like they were clawing at his skin and ripping him apart.

He hated it. He hated himself, how the fuck did he end up in this situation, he wish none of this had ever happened he wish he never existed.

“It’s just that… That’s not what Kevin told me that night.” Chanhee clarified on behalf of Kevin’s silence.

It was true; but he thought they had broken up- Jacob said- 

Jacob’s voice faltered as he gulped. He understood Chanhee well enough to know what he was hinting at, but he just couldn’t believe it. He knew Kevin well enough… Well he thought he did at least.

“Kevin… What?” Jacob was desperate for Kevin to say something, the black haired boy continued to gawp into space as the situation unfurled before him, completely out of his control. He couldn’t salvage this. He couldn’t do anything but watch and listen.

Chanhee moved to put his arm on Jacob’s shoulder, like a friend would do when they comfort another but this also looked condescending to Kevin as the pink boy’s eyes flickered between the two.

“I’m sorry, I wish I knew before…” He looked straight back at Kevin and it felt like a punch to the gut. The exact thing Kevin had practically begged him to do, he was technically saying it without those words but the entire meaning behind his actions were unmistakable.

Chanhee looked back at Jacob with sympathetic eyes.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you Jacob. I hope you know.” He patted the boy on the shoulder before silently leaving them.

Kevin felt every last piece of energy and sanity leave his body as Jacob looked at him.

Those eyes. How he wished they were unreadable but Kevin saw every emotion exactly how they were. The desperation to hear it wasn’t true, the anger that he already knew it was. The pain of being betrayed- they were barely apart for even one night before Kevin fucked up and it was in the worst way possible. 

And then the disbelief. That Kevin could even do such a thing, after so long of being nervous and turning Jacob down at every angle.

“You slept with Chanhee…?” Jacob’s voice cracked at the beginning, throat dry as he tried to control himself but was struggling to do so.

Kevin felt tears start to fill the brim of his eyes.

“I-I can explain- I didn’t mean it-”

“Just like that. Just that easily, you slept with him? Chanhee. Out of all people.” 

Every word felt like a bullet in his chest, his eyes falling down to the ground as he lost the strength to keep looking at Jacob. The shame kicked him hard in the stomach as his lower lip began to quiver.

“...Yeah.”

The silence was worse than the noise. The way he could feel Jacob’s eyes all over him as he waited for more of an explanation but Kevin couldn’t do it. He couldn’t explain who he didn’t mean it. He couldn’t explain how it happened. He couldn’t explain how after almost four months of being with Jacob that he could barely let his boyfriend hold his hand that on one odd night he jumped into bed with somebody else so easily surrounded by the grief of thinking he lost his boyfriend.

Well he definitely had lost him now.

“You know, Kevin, I thought after all this time I really understood you.” Jacob’s voice was eerily calm and steady. Kevin would’ve preferred for him to be angry. If he was angry he would understand.

But Jacob just sounded so done right now. Kevin hated that more than he could have possibly imagined.

“I thought you were scared. Scared of being yourself, scared of being loved, and I was trying my best to get it through to you that you are worth it.”

Kevin finally looked up at Jacob. The words pouring from his mouth were flecked with bitterness and he couldn’t blame him one bit. But the expression on Jacob’s face is what hurt the most. The cold eyes, absolutely no feeling of forgiveness behind them or understanding. It wasn’t the Jacob that he had seen before.

“Just turns out you didn’t think the same about me.” He half huffed. Kevin finally let his tears fall.

Jacob was done, he didn’t want to see him cry. He didn’t want to risk the chance of feeling his heart pull him towards Kevin anymore so he turned to walk away quickly as Kevin reached out for him one more time.

“Wait, please-” Kevin begged through a quiet sob. And low and behold Jacob waited.

But not for the reason Kevin would’ve wanted.

“I don’t want to know, Kevin.” He spoke over his shoulder. Keeping his willpower not to turn back and look at the broken boy he was leaving.

“Not anymore.” 

He nudged his arm weakly, Kevin’s grip too lax to keep hold as his arm flopped back to his side. It was hopeless, he knew it, there was absolutely no going back from this.

“I’ll keep your secret, if Chanhee can keep his mouth shut too, that is. I’ll even be civil to you around the others so they don’t suspect anything but I can’t do this anymore. I’m done.”

Kevin had no choice than to let Jacob walk away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the pain that this may cause (lmao no i'm not i love angst)  
> i hope you are enjoying it so far !!  
> please let me know in the comments if u do <3 
> 
> [cry to me on twt](https://twitter.com/connahquay) or [leave me a cc](https://curiouscat.qa/connahquay)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the extended wait~ it was my birthday so i was a little busy ! anyway, enjoy the next two chapters ^^

Two months had passed and Jacob had stayed true to his word. They no longer sat together in class, he no longer texted him outside of the group chat. Yet still every time they were surrounded by friends Jacob acted indifferent and Kevin didn’t know if that hurt him more or less than if Jacob didn’t talk to him at all. 

He couldn’t meet Jacob’s eyes as he told stories about what he did on the weekend, or what he was doing in other classes. He felt uncomfortable laughing at his jokes in case it wasn’t appreciated, he felt nervous when the only spot next on the lunch table they sat at was next to Jacob. But Jacob didn’t even flinch. In some aspects Kevin was just grateful that Jacob didn’t completely cold shoulder him out of the group; as much as they were Jacob’s friends originally now they all meant a lot to him too. Younghoon, Changmin, even Chanhee. Though these days Kevin tried to distance himself from Chanhee too. He definitely didn’t want to lead Chanhee on in any way, shape, or form. 

Chanhee didn’t act any different either, honestly. Apart from the odd invitation to coffee before the class they shared together which Kevin always turned down in favor of ‘studying alone’ or having to run back to his room to collect his portfolio. He felt sort of stagnant. Like he couldn’t move on from Jacob because he couldn’t even talk to him but in the same breath... 

He didn’t want to move on from Jacob at all. 

He headed to the café Younghoon worked at for lunch once again. It was becoming typical to spend his Sunday afternoons here, along with the others; what started off as a him and Jacob thing slowly expanded into a group thing since... Well, they broke up for real. 

He didn’t mind it, though. Kevin loved hanging out with them all despite knowing he was hurting. He hated that he couldn’t tell if Jacob was or not. He knew he hurt Jacob but did he move on yet? Kevin had no idea and it wasn’t exactly like he could ask. Upon his arrival everyone was already seated, even Younghoon who was seemingly ‘on his break’ if not totally ignoring waiting customers for the sake of being with his friends for the time being. 

“Hey, guys.” Kevin greeted casually, setting his bag down at the side of the table, no one in particular looked up to him but Kevin only cared about one person’s reaction anyway. 

He looked over to Jacob, who was sitting next to Younghoon, stirring his hot vanilla latte with a spoon nonchalantly. He was looking over at Younghoon while he was showing him something on his phone, the pair of them simply humming to his greeting as he sat down. 

“So this weekend?” Chanhee continued whatever they were talking about before Kevin arrived. He listened closely to catch up. 

“As long as we can taxi together, I’m in.” Changmin added. It earned an ‘obviously’ huff of a reply from Chanhee before he looked at the other two still engrossed in Jacob’s phone to coax them into a reply. 

“Guys? Party this weekend?” Chanhee prompted once more. Finally the pair of them looked up at the group. 

Kevin saw Jacob was distracted, not entirely by whatever was on the screen he was just staring at, but something else too. A familiar yet discrete something in the way the corner of his mouth turned as he began to answer. 

“Maybe not this weekend, I might be busy.” He replied. Chanhee coughed loudly almost in disbelief. 

“What? Why?” Changmin asked more nicely than how Chanhee did next. 

“What do you  _ mean  _ you  _ might _ be busy? You either are or you aren’t.” He folded his arms over his chest and Jacob laughed at how childish he was being. 

“If you have some prior engagement, then just tell us. Then again what could possibly be more important than-” 

“He has a date.” Younghoon interrupted, and Kevin suddenly felt like the earth had stopped turning. 

It felt like there was an earthquake; everything around him seemed unreal as everyone stared in surprise at Younghoon and Jacob as they waited for some sort of explanation. None more so than Kevin who now literally couldn’t tear his eyes away from Jacob. 

That’s where he recognized the tilt of his lips. From all the flirtatious greetings they had exchanged months ago, how he caused Kevin’s heart to hiccup with it. Now it was on his lips as he was thinking about somebody else and Kevin almost felt sick knowing about it. 

“A date? What?” Chanhee gasped. 

“With who?” Changmin asked. 

Jacob didn’t glance at Kevin. He didn’t expect it, god knows he didn’t want it either because if Jacob looked at him, what was he supposed to do? Pretend to be happy for him? Smile? Kevin felt like he had just been hit by a truck, his entire body began to ache and he felt his legs shake nervously. He didn’t want to listen to any more details but he knew he had to. And what’s worse, he had to pretend like it wouldn’t kill him inside. 

“Well I didn’t want to tell you guys until it was official but-” Jacob glared at spoiler Younghoon in annoyance. Jacob’s smile on his face said it all; he was content. Kevin only ever saw that in private. How happy Jacob could be but now he was seeing it openly and he was not the cause. 

He couldn’t even be angry at that, though. He was never going to be the cause. 

“I’ve been seeing this guy for two weeks now.” He revealed. Changmin clapped, unironically honestly, as Chanhee shook his head in surprise. 

Two weeks... A surprisingly short time for Jacob to be talking about, Kevin thought. But then again, he couldn’t judge. He had nothing to measure it against. Their relationship? It was hidden for the best part of three months until Younghoon found out. Even after that he still refused to do much more than secretly hold hands when they were together. Kevin could never contemplate the day that Jacob openly admitted to them dating like he did just now. 

He guessed... He was a little happy for him after all. 

Everyone congratulated him, Chanhee even extended the party invitation to his new boyfriend which made Kevin’s stomach churn. He just found out about the news and now he would have to see him? 

“Maybe.” Jacob responded to that. 

Kevin hoped he was doing that to spare him the embarrassment at the party this weekend. 

“Oh, Kevin.” Chanhee looked over to him, eyes completely unreadable yet Kevin felt on guard already. 

“If you want to stop by for pre-drinks or something before we go... Don’t be a stranger.” He offered once more. Kevin felt his face heat up, he glanced quickly to Jacob, almost like he felt guilty Chanhee was saying such a thing but once again Jacob was not paying attention to him. Even though he knew to expect it, it still hurt. 

“Okay.” He answered vaguely. 

“Okay, I should get back to work. Break’s over.” Younghoon announced as he stood up. Almost in unison Jacob stood up too and it took everything in Kevin’s being not to join him like he used to do. 

“I have to go, so-” Jacob picked up his bag and threw it over his shoulder. As Younghoon returned to behind the counter, Changmin and Chanhee both slowly tidied up the table as Kevin grabbed his bag too. 

“I’ll come with you.” He blurted out. Jacob honestly did his best to maintain a neutral face to his sudden company but Kevin didn’t miss the small twitch of his eye in confusion as they both walked out of the café together. 

Kevin had absolutely no idea why he did this. He didn’t have anything he wanted to say or ask of Jacob. He even knew that Jacob was only  _ tolerating  _ him for the sake of his friendships with the others. Why the fuck did he go with him, this was so incredibly awkward. 

But there was something on his mind, eating away, gnawing under his skin like a parasite. Jacob clearly could see it took as Kevin nervously picked at his nails as he figured out how to approach it. He gave him the benefit of the doubt; ignoring Kevin and letting them complete the walk in silence until they almost reached the dormitory entrance. 

“So...” Kevin’s voice broke in a slight cough. He already felt his chest tightening, barely allowing him to complete what he wanted to say, but also he was desperate to know. 

“New boyfriend, huh?” 

“Yup.” Jacob answered simply. It was not what Kevin was expected at all, it felt so jarring and cold. Something he had only realized Jacob was capable of in the past two months. 

“Must be nice.” He barely muttered in response. Honestly, some part of him meant it. It must be nice to not be afraid to hide your feelings. To be scared or everyone and everything, to constantly be trying to avoid things. Even if he was hopeless some part of him hoped and wished that Jacob would find happiness eventually, he just didn’t know it would hurt this fucking much when he did. 

But still, he wanted to see it. No matter how much it pained him he wanted Jacob to see that he could be happy for him. That he did indeed want what’s best for him, after all this time. 

“I know what you’re trying to do, Kevin. You can stop now.” 

Kevin stared in disbelief. He barely knew what he was thinking himself, how did Jacob know? Jacob turned swiftly to stand in front of Kevin, making the black-haired boy gulp in surprise as it was probably the first time in two months he had looked directly at him. 

Jacob’s eyes no longer felt the same on him but there was still something about them which made Kevin’s heart thump a little harder in his chest. It was like some sort of façade, Jacob doing his utmost to place a poker face expression on himself in order to control the situation and Kevin was falling for it. 

“Have you and Chanhee... You know- since...” He did it in as few words as he could possibly muster to spare Kevin but still get his meaning across. Kevin’s eyebrows furrowed for a split second before realizing what he meant and immediately jumping into a stuttering madness to defend himself. Did he think Kevin and Chanhee were a thing now? 

“What? No, god no.” A vehemently shook his hands at the same time for added effect. Jacob’s expression didn’t change one bit. 

“I see. What about other guys?” 

“Not a chance.” Came the quickest reply he had ever spoken in his life. Kevin was appalled, did Jacob think he would’ve moved on too now already? Did he not know who he was? 

“See? You can’t even branch out even after sleeping with someone, how was I supposed to keep living like that if we would’ve?” 

Oh. Maybe. That wasn’t what he was thinking at all. 

It was true, no matter how much Kevin might have wished that it wouldn’t have been like that the reality was that it would’ve. He would’ve still made Jacob keep the secret, and who knows how long for? Until they left college? Moved in together? Would Kevin scathe by calling Jacob his roommate for the rest of their lives? It was the stark reality that Jacob saw and Kevin failed to recognize up until now. Being out meant so much more for Jacob’s happiness than living in silence. 

Kevin couldn’t have given him that. 

Kevin didn’t answer. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to or not but as Jacob looked him up and down with literal disappointment pouring from his eyes Kevin felt like he missed a shot. 

“See? Now I gotta go. Gotta get ready for my date.” Jacob’s words were the salt in the wound for Kevin who stumbled forward a step as Jacob took one back. Jacob blinked, simply not believing that Kevin would dare to try and be brave in this exact moment, even if his soul was silently begging him to be, but overall he knew Kevin and that this would be the end of it. 

Jacob turned around and walked away. 

“It would’ve been different.” Kevin’s voice bubbled in a cry, he tried his hardest not to get it show, not wanting the pity from Jacob no matter how desperate he felt right now. 

Jacob turned back on his heels, swiveling a full 360 as he spoke. 

“No, Kevin. It wouldn’t have.” 

* * *

Kevin promptly returned to his room, not even sure when the tears kicked in or even if anybody else noticed them. He was a wreck. The pounding in his head was battling the tightness he felt in his chest, both excruciatingly painful and making him feel both sick and tired at the same time. He wasn’t even sure why he was crying. Because it was true? It was true that it wouldn’t have been different. He couldn’t argue against that. He felt useless, pointless, absolutely worthless because he couldn’t fucking be honest with himself and take the moment when he had it and try to make it better. 

Even if it didn’t work at least he would have gone down with some kind of fight. Instead he was now sitting on the edge of his bed sobbing into his own lap like a sad child who couldn’t do anything by themselves. 

He needed a distraction, so he pulled his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through his contacts. He needed to talk to somebody. Somebody who didn’t know Jacob, for a start. Somebody who didn’t know what was going on but would care enough to listen anyway but as he scrolled further and further down his phone book, he realized that nobody was coming to mind as he looked at all the names of his high school friends. 

They wouldn’t care. They were so selfish. They were the cause of his issues when he was in high school, he was so afraid to come out after seeing what they could be like to others and it had convinced him that everyone else would be the same. That by nature people waited to find weakness and used it against you, that ugly pack mentality that if you’re not all one and the same you are to be shunned from society. He believed it for so long that in order to exist you had to be cautious every waking moment of your life and now he was so exhausted. 

It had cost him so much. He wasn’t willing to sacrifice anymore. 

One by one he began blocking and then deleting the contacts from his phone. Making sure that even if they wanted to contact him, which in the past six months had been scarce anyway, that there was no way to do so. He wanted to be finished with the Kevin from the past. 

The meek little boy afraid of upsetting the balance. Even though the balance was distorted anyway and he was living by standards which weren’t his own. His hope was that by getting rid of those who judgement he feared he would be able to move forward. Start afresh. Even if it wasn’t with Jacob, he finally wanted to try. 

For himself. Finally. 


	15. Chapter 15

There was no way in hell Kevin was going to Chanhee’s for pre-drinks before the party. For one he wasn’t even sure if anyone else would be there; which led him into his second point of not wanting to be alone with Chanhee for the time being. It wasn’t too difficult, they shared a class and for the most part Chanhee seemed to understand his silent reservations given what happened the first time but he still felt slightly guilty about it. He still wanted to maintain a friendship after all. But he couldn’t think of Chanhee without thinking of Jacob too.

Even worse was the fact he was turning up to this party sober alongside a tipsy Changmin and Chanhee who climbed out of the taxi with him.

He would just have to make up for it here, he thought.

Chanhee called Younghoon in the taxi earlier asking where he was. They learned Jacob and Younghoon had already arrived at the place and it made Kevin’s stomach twist.

What if he really did bring his new boyfriend with him tonight?

What if this boyfriend was everything Kevin worried he would be, and more? What if he was perfect, complimented Jacob in public, held his hand… Did everything that Kevin couldn’t do that now he was so desperately wishing he could.

God, he was really going to need to drink a lot tonight to get over this. It was the start of new Kevin’s life and new Kevin wanted to start it pretty drunkenly too.

The three of them walked inside the unfamiliar house. It was some associate of Chanhee’s, he seemed to know a lot of people, especially partiers and never really turned down an invitation. It made Kevin appreciate the most of college life in some aspects. He was seriously getting the full experience… Maybe a little too much at times.

“Younghoon, hi!” Chanhee greeted. His lazy, already tipsy tongue slurring over the words a little as he leaned up to the much taller boy and kissed his cheek. His fingers pried around Younghoon’s biceps before gently moving him to the side to see Jacob.

“Where is he then? This boyfriend of yours?” Chanhee seemed unenthused to see Jacob standing alone but Kevin could breathe a sigh of relief at it.

“Next time, hm?” Jacob replied. He was swaying slightly to the loud music, indicating he was definitely some sort of level of drunk too and Kevin was suddenly feeling very thirsty for the same reason. He quickly headed to the kitchen to get a drink of his own.

* * *

The night was seemingly going better than expected. Whoever Chanhee’s acquaintance was definitely knew how to throw a party; the kitchen was lathered in different types of spirits, many of which Kevin had never tried before and gladly partook in taste testing all of them. Sooner than he realized he was definitely feeling the effects of the alcohol as he was also doing his best to avoid Jacob for the night.

It seemed Jacob had the same idea too, because whenever Kevin seemed to find Younghoon to talk to he was alone, without his best friend who had conveniently gone for fresh air or to the bathroom. The two of them danced a little to the music, well mostly Younghoon tried to dance and Kevin awkwardly stood next to him trying to shrug off the second hand embarrassment.

“Are you okay?” Younghoon asked out of the blue. Kevin narrowed his eyes in confusion, wrinkling his forehead as he looked up to his friend.

“Yeah? Why?” 

Younghoon half pouted, choosing to believe Kevin was okay even without fully explaining why he asked the question. Albeit, Kevin was doing as well as he could be given the current situation, but he liked to thank Captain Morgan’s spiced rum for that.

“Well Jacob’s dating somebody else.” No matter how dull he was feeling from the alcohol, Kevin still felt his heart ache at those words.

Dating somebody else. Somebody better than him. 

“You know, after you two broke up-” Younghoon continued but Kevin chose to interrupt him. 

“Oh- Oh yeah, sure- totally- yeah I’m totally fine.” Perhaps he tried way too hard to push that message across in too many repeated words, but luckily Younghoon wasn’t sober enough to put two and two together either. 

“Oh good.” The two returned to awkwardly dancing to the music as it changed to the next track. Kevin felt like he almost escaped except Younghoon didn’t drop it just yet.

“I mean, Jacob didn’t tell me what happened but I’m guessing since you two are still friends it wasn’t bad, right?”

Jacob had stayed true to his word, for sure.  _ Be civil around the others so they don’t suspect anything _ . He should honestly thank Jacob for it, or give him an oscar because this could not be easy at all for either of them.

But as Younghoon looked down to him, none the wiser about how Kevin truly fucked it all up, he had to play his part.

“Yeah… Just. Right person, wrong time, I guess.”

Kevin flittered off before Jacob came back, deciding to join Chanhee in the kitchen who was smoking something probably experimental for the best description. He looked like he was in his element, so comfortable and composed. Kevin even felt a little jealous at how easily it all came to Chanhee sometimes. It was like he had never seen the boy struggle before, he just existed so easily and never had an issue stating who he was. Kevin chewed on his lip drunkenly a little as he leaned against the counter Chanhee was sat upon.

“Having a good time?” Chanhee asked, probably not caring about an honest answer as he passed the cigarette shaped object over to him. Kevin debated it a moment before turning it down.

“Chanhee, I have a question.” His braver than usual drunken tone was clear as Chanhee arched an eyebrow down to him. Still Kevin wasn’t brave enough to ask the question without receiving permission that he could.

“Shoot.” Chanhee blew the smoke out of his mouth as he answered.

“When you… y’know… Came out, how did you-” He didn’t even need to finish. Chanhee whistled loudly, making the other boy jump in surprise at the sudden noise. Chanhee’s signature laugh radiating but everyone was too enthralled in their own conversations to pay attention to theirs it seemed.

“Boy, I was a  _ mess _ .” Chanhee clicked his tongue as he stubbed out the cigarette in the sink he sat near.

“You were?” Kevin was genuinely surprised.

“God yeah. I hid it for the longest time, I was incredibly homophobic.” Hearing those words from another person’s mouth, Chanhee’s mouth. Was this real? He wasn’t just hallucinating his own issues in a fever dream right now, was he? Kevin felt unable to even look up at Chanhee to double check he was serious, but in the corner of his eye he could see the boy staring off into space as if he was remembering the memories vividly.

“Did you know that’s a coping mechanism? Shunning your own sexuality in an attempt to fit the societal concept?” Chanhee continued. God, now Kevin was wondering who the real psychology major was here. Was this something they talked about in the LGBT club?

“The illusion that if you shun it hard enough you’ll eventually believe it yourself and no longer feel that way. Woo boy, that had me fucked up for quite some time I’ll tell you that.” Chanhee spoke with maybe a bit too much pep in his voice despite the bleak situation. Kevin couldn’t tell if it was from the alcohol or whatever he just smoked, and he definitely felt some sort of effect himself from it too.

Chanhee grinned down to Kevin, and Kevin felt himself become a little overwhelmed with all of the information. This whole time he had really… Been fighting himself? And it was apparently normal? Maybe if he knew all this before it would have been easier…

But now maybe it was too little too late.

“How did you overcome it? To the point of- this- now” He really didn’t want to offend Chanhee, and thankfully that seemed to be just what happened as the pink haired boy laughed off the terribly worded euphemism for ‘practically a whore now’, taking it with a pinch of salt as he lowered himself down from the table.

“I’ll tell you how… If you do some shots with me.”

How could Kevin say no to that?

First it was one, then two, then three. Kevin didn’t want to any more he already felt sick from the samples of drinks he had tried and tested over the course of the night so far. He was sure if he took even one more shot of flavored vodka he would end up on the floor in a heartbeat.

But Chanhee practically insisted, placing the clear plastic shot glass into Kevin’s hand. The black haired boy grimaced in anticipation of the terrible taste.

“Okay so, how?” He stalled for time before he had to take the next shot. Chanhee smirked mischievously. 

“This!” He brought the hand cupping his own shot up to meet Kevin’s before bringing the sickly sweet liquid to his lips and downing it in one. Kevin felt his throat burn and sick tickle the back of it at the thought.

“I just got really really drunk. I ended up kissing a guy and one thing led to another.”

“That’s exactly what I did with you.” Kevin interrupted, sounding oddly unfazed as now the alcohol was definitely the key contributor to his actions. Chanhee grinned back to him at the realization and tipped the drink towards Kevin’s lips.

“See? And didn’t it work?”

“No! In fact it fucked me up even more.” Kevin shotted the drink and immediately stuck his tongue out, making a hissing sound at the unpleasant feeling of burning in his throat.

“I lost the only guy I ever cared for.” He coughed in a bittersweet laugh as he dropped the plastic onto the table they were standing before. Something about the amount of alcohol he had ingested was somehow making this funny despite everything.

“I kinda hate you for it.” Kevin huffed it out in a non-serious laugh turning to look at Chanhee who had started dancing to whatever song was playing in the kitchen.

“Yeah, I get that a lot.” He was so unbothered by the statement since Kevin’s voice had no actual resentment in it. He truly didn’t hate Chanhee for what happened, after all he could’ve said no. But he wanted the distraction, and it definitely took two to tango.

“Don’t worry though there’s plenty more squid in the sea or whatever.” Chanhee definitely sounded more incoherent than he had before and Kevin couldn’t recognize if that was from Chanhee’s tongue or his own ears. Kevin laughed at the inaccuracy of his comforting statement.

“I think it’s fish.” Kevin corrected. No, it was definitely him failing as he barely managed to stutter those words out. He was definitely starting to lose his barings as he placed his hands on the table to steady himself in the suddenly spinning room.

“What?” Chanhee cocked his head at him.

“The saying, I think it’s fish.” 

“Mm, well I don’t like fish.” Chanhee mused a little too seriously, he was distracted by something else that Kevin couldn’t see because he was too busy focusing on not throwing up all of a sudden. God, he knew he had had one too many shots.

“Speaking of which-” Chanhee muttered, mostly to himself as he pounced off towards a group of seemingly hot guys who had just wandered past the kitchen. Kevin wanted to laugh but honestly it was getting harder to keep the bile down so he thought it was best to try and find his way to the bathroom.

He felt like he had been there for hours, but in reality it was barely ten minutes before Changmin found him. The confused boy shaking Kevin’s arm to try and elicit a response from him but all Kevin could do was mutter incoherently. Wow, he really didn’t feel too good. He didn’t even remember Changmin leaving him to go and help Younghoon as the two of them now stood over Kevin whose legs were sprawled across the bathroom floor as he propped himself up against the bathtub.

“Did you throw up, Kev?” Changmin asked, Younghoon leaned down and held out a plastic bottle of water for Kevin to take.

“I don’t… think so?” He tried his best to recall but honestly he didn’t even remember how he ended up in the bathroom, nevermind what he did in there.

“We should probably get him home.” Younghoon muttered to Changmin, who took that as a signal to go and find Chanhee and Jacob for more advice.

In a few moments the tiny bathroom was crowded with four of them standing around Kevin who was taking baby sips of water from the bottle.

Chanhee stood behind Younghoon who was kneeling before the very drunk boy as Changmin and Jacob lingered in the doorway.

“Can somebody call a taxi? He needs to go home.” Younghoon asked the group. Chanhee instantly laughed at him.

“You’re joking, right? No taxi would take him, the boy can’t even stand up, let alone tell them where he’s going.”

Sadly, Chanhee was right. Changmin pouted a little.

“Then somebody has to go with him?” Changmin offered. Younghoon nodded in agreement as he encouraged Kevin to drink more water.

“Does anyone even know where he lives?” Chanhee added. Suddenly Younghoon’s eyes were on Jacob.

“Jacob, you took him to his dorm one time, right?” Remembering back to their first ever ‘party’ in Jacob and Changmin’s room, Jacob physically stiffened and felt uncomfortable. The last thing he wanted was to be stuck with an extremely drunk Kevin in a taxi tonight.

“Oh, you’re right.” Changmin turned to Jacob too and suddenly he was feeling without an option to say no.

He stood silently for a few minutes in silent refusal. Chanhee’s eyes flitted over to him a few times, being the only person who knew what really happened between Kevin and Jacob and why they broke up… He knew why they would be reluctant to take him but he absolutely refused to offer an alternative too.

Eventually Jacob caved.

“Fine, I’ll take him. Call a taxi.” 

* * *

Jacob somehow managed to bundle Kevin into the taxi without much fuss. Kevin only remembered the cold of the air outside before he fell asleep in the warmth of the taxi. He woke up halfway through the journey, not knowing where he was but also too drunk to really care about it as he looked around curiously.

He was resting against something, or rather someone, as he turned his head a little to check who it was. Jacob lay still, eyes forward as he focused on the road, totally ignoring Kevin as he stirred.

“Jacob?” He mumbled, barely audible but Jacob caught it. His eyes flickering down to Kevin before looking away once more. He didn’t answer, simply allowing the other boy to fall back to sleep against his shoulder until they arrived at their destination. 

It took another five minutes and thankfully Kevin was passed out enough that he didn’t throw up at all during the entire journey. Jacob paid the driver before dragging Kevin out of the door, the black haired boy struggling to stay on his feet as now the tiredness was kicking in over the effects of the alcohol.

“Come on, Kevin, we’re almost there.” Jacob finally spoke to him as he placed an arm around his shoulder. Kevin clung to him a little more than he probably needed to, but Jacob didn’t fuss about it at all.

Reaching Kevin’s room the boy placed Kevin against the wall to rest him as he knocked on it loudly.

There was no answer, no sound from inside the room and Jacob groaned slightly in frustration and knocked again.

“Is your roommate not home? Seriously?” He complained as Kevin rolled slightly towards the door, still leaning against the wall for balance.

“I have a key, it’s no worries.” Is definitely what he was meant to say more clearly but it seemed Jacob understood anyway. He moved back slightly and allowed Kevin to search through his pockets for wherever his key was.

When he eventually found it his clumsy hands began to try and insert the key into the door, missing far too many times to be funny and eventually Jacob groaned in annoyance and reached for the key himself.

“Here, let me do it.” He said, trying his best to keep calm but the honest truth was he was struggling to be around Kevin. Especially when drunk.

He opened the door and let them both inside.


	16. Chapter 16

Kevin almost fell through the door, with only Jacob’s quick thinking preventing him from injuring himself. Jacob was definitely not sober either but Kevin was almost wasted. Jacob clasped at the boy’s arm, keeping him on his feet as he stumbled through the doorway. Jacob led him towards his bed and sat him down on the edge.

“Take your shoes off.” Jacob seemingly reminded him. Kevin immediately listened, kicking at his heels in an attempt to remove his shoes. Jacob helped him remove his jacket, sighing a little as if it was a tedious task, and Kevin simply kept his eyes half closed as finally he wriggled his feet free of his shoes and sighed in relief.

“Drink water when you wake up, don’t do it now you might pass out in the bathroom.” Jacob advised one more time before turning to leave. He was doing his best to maintain a stern voice, however Kevin was drunk and took zero notice of his attempts.

“Jacob no, wait.” Kevin called out, his hands reaching out for anything a part of Jacob which just so happened to be his shirt. He pulled on the material, inadvertently making Jacob turn back to him.

“I didn’t  _ want  _ to sleep with Chanhee that night.” He rambled. It took everything in Jacob’s power not to roll his eyes so hard he probably would’ve passed out himself from it.

Everything was spilling out of Kevin right now. It was the first time they had been alone in months, the first time Kevin had been brave enough to say anything related to their past, or that night. And the only reason he was so bold as of now was due to the alcohol in his system but he wasn’t about to let an opportunity go to waste as his glossed over eyes connected with his own fingers which were threading themselves through Jacob’s shirt. The feeling almost grounding him as he finally continued.

“That night.” He gulped dryly, god he really needed water right now. “I thought of you, only of you, I swear.”

Jacob sighed, yet made minimal attempt to pull away as Kevin’s weak grip on him kept him close. 

“You’re drunk, Kevin. Go to sleep.” He kept his tone flat and as void of emotion as he possibly could. He didn’t want to do this now, or ever preferably. He knew come the morning Kevin would have forgotten about it all and things would go back to the way there were… It was better this way now.

It was supposed to be better this way.

Jacob pulled back a little more, Kevin’s vice on his clothes slipping slightly before he regained it. The black haired boy was determined to not let him go easily this time.

“I know I am! I know-” He hiccuped. Fingers greedily delving their way into Jacob’s shirt and curling underneath it in an attempt to pull him closer once more.

He hadn’t looked up to Jacob this entire time, it was like he was scared. If he saw Jacob’s reaction to what he was saying; saw those emotionless eyes, then everything would feel so worthless. He just wanted to say it all, get it off his chest and  _ then  _ listen to what Jacob had to say. Kevin needed to let it all out. But as he took too long to answer Jacob pulled away again, less and less enthused to hear what he had to say.

“-And I hate that I only have the courage to say this to you when I’m drunk, but please listen. Drunken words are sober thoughts, right?” He voiced the desperate need he had in his voice, pleading with Jacob to stop pushing as Kevin was finally pulling himself towards Jacob for the first time ever.

Jacob finally stopped moving and listened.

“I really...wanted to be out with you. Truly I did. But at the time-”

“And what does this solve now?” Jacob interrupted bluntly. Kevin tightened his fingers into a near fist, bunching the material up at the hem of Jacob’s shirt.

“I’m getting to that!” His words were slurred as he moved whimsically from side to side on the bed in a drunken manner. His vision was unclear as the tiredness began to kick in but also his brain was wide awake and full of raw emotion that needed to be said.

“Please, Jacob.” Kevin leaned in slowly, letting his fist loosen as his forehead met Jacob’s clothed stomach. It was strangely comforting, the soft material against his face as he inhaled the scent that he had been missing so much. Jacob smelled like musk and sandalwood, probably from some cologne he was wearing for the party which had mostly faded by now to mix with his natural scent. Kevin wrapped his other arm around Jacob’s hip to keep him in place.

“Just give me another chance. Please.” Against his clothed skin Kevin began to press kisses to Jacob’s stomach. The boy standing up was stiff, listening to Kevin mutter ‘please’ over and over like a broken record as he moved slightly to a different area. The feeling barely made an impact between the material which was disconnecting them but Kevin’s hand tightened on his hip desperately to make him feel something back.

“Kevin, stop.” Jacob’s attempt was feeble to say the least. His arms drooped heavily at his sides as Kevin didn’t listen to him, Jacob felt his entire body becoming weaker as if Kevin was sucking all of the energy out of the room right now between his quiet sobs and kisses.

“Kevin, don’t.” It almost became a mantra as Kevin’s sobs slowly died down as his lips became more desperate. Pressing heavily against Jacob’s shirt, he let out small gasps between breaths as he moved over to Jacob’s hip to kiss it too.

“Kevin.” It was slightly more firm this time and Kevin felt it in his chest. He paused, terrified of the repercussions he was about to face as he felt Jacob’s hand brush against his shoulder to get his attention, the drunken boy finally looking up in anticipation to Jacob with wet eyes.

The expression he met was not what he was expecting. Jacob’s face had softened from his earlier harsh tone and he looked imploringly down to Kevin. It made his heart skip a beat, especially as Jacob leaned down and connected their lips.

It was perfect, soft, delicate. Laced with a million missing and undescribed feelings and all of the warmth he had been missing from his life ever since Jacob left it. Kevin returned the kiss needily, pushing his tongue into the other’s mouth as Jacob threaded a hand through Kevin’s hair. The standing boy kept it slow and under control as Kevin’s fingers wrapped tightly around the small of Jacob’s back, pulling him between his open legs.

Jacob pushed him back slightly, not enough to push him onto the bed but enough to create a better angle as their kiss deepened and Jacob’s hands moved to cup the other’s face instead. Jacob’s lips were hot on Kevin’s, Kevin’s tongue messily trying to elicit something from Jacob like he used to do in the past. Eventually Kevin stepped it up a notch and bit Jacob’s lower lip, making him whine and sending Kevin’s mind spiraling at just how hard he wanted Jacob on him now.

Jacob seemed to get the message. Breaking the kiss momentarily to remove Kevin’s shirt, he tossed the material to the side as Kevin watched him eagerly. He wanted to return the favor, letting his fingers lace into the hem of Jacob’s shirt once more he pulled it up much more slowly than Jacob just did with him. He wanted to remember Jacob. More So than he ever did with Chanhee. The night with Chanhee was a mistake, nothing necessarily a regret but something he wished he remembered less as he was trying to focus on taking in every centimeter of Jacob’s body that his eyes could process.

Jacob pushed him back onto the bed, hovering his lips over Kevin’s as he hesitated.

“How do you want it?” Jacob asked, their lips teasingly close Kevin didn’t want to waste time with words he just wanted to feel Jacob on him. He wanted to touch every part of him, feel how his body moved against his own. How it was supposed to be with somebody you loved.

Kevin’s breath hitched in his throat as his lower lip quivered.

“Well… With Chanhee-” He began, that being his only experience he had to offer to the solution right now. But Jacob shushed him.

“I’m not talking about Chanhee, I’m asking you.” Jacob muttered. Kevin’s eyes flickered up to catch Jacob’s. He seemed just as needy as Kevin, albeit with something more inside that he couldn’t put his finger on. Kevin was bearing all to see, feeling vulnerable and open and even though it was terrifying he felt like it was the right person to finally be showing it to.

The person it should’ve been all along.

“How do you want to do this?” Jacob prompted again and Kevin whined slightly.

He thought back to that night. How he couldn’t get an edge in sideways as Chanhee called all the shots. He simply just lay there, allowing Chanhee to do what was required and gave minimal effort back. No wonder he felt like shit after it. He felt so out of control and unsure, he had no idea what to do that night.

But Jacob.

Jacob was calm whereas Chanhee was wild. Chanhee took the control, whereas Jacob was passing him the control, just like he always had done when they were together, making sure Kevin was comfortable the entire time, no matter what they were doing. 

There was a difference between feeling out of control and giving somebody the control over you and that key difference was trust. Kevin trusted Jacob, and he knew exactly what he wanted to do with that now.

“I wanna be beneath you.” Kevin muttered. He missed the small smirk gracing Jacob’s lips for a fleeting second before he replied to him.

“Okay.”

Their lips reconnected as Jacob steadied himself over Kevin's body better. Nothing more than tender, closed mouthed kisses before Jacob moved to the corner of the other’s lips, tracing to his jaw and neck as Kevin savored every feeling. Internally his heart was racing, an incredible mix of anxiety and fire battling it out to see which would win as he let his hands tease the hair at the nape of Jacob’s neck as he pushed down to his collarbone.

It was beautiful, the way Jacob’s lips felt against him. The way his tongue lapped against his skin leaving him cold for a second before the heat of the room burned him slightly. The way he didn’t miss an inch as he moved down to his stomach, Kevin enjoying the sensation of feeling adored as Jacob finally moved to unbutton the other’s pants.

He stopped. Looking up to Kevin he let out a short burst of a laugh before looking back down as he unzipped him.

“What?” Kevin asked lazily, far too hazy minded to take it seriously anyway.

Jacob’s hands hooked around Kevin’s pants as he undid them, teasing at the waistband of his underwear as he did so.

“Nothing. I just thought you would be more nervous than this.” He mused out loud, Kevin suddenly sat up and shuffled up slightly in rebuttal.

“I’ve never wanted anything more-” He begins in haste. Jacob quickly sat back on his thighs, having to hold back a laugh as he quietened Kevin down.

He kissed him once more, Kevin greedily elevating it quickly as he slipped his tongue into Jacob’s mouth, moaning endlessly because god, he had wanted this for so long and now after months of anxiety his patience was at breaking point.

Jacob moved Kevin back down to lie on the bed, breaking their lips once more before completely jumping over Kevin’s torso to meet at his hips. He impatiently pulled at the other’s pants and underwear, Kevin ‘helping’ by aimlessly kicking the material until it pooled enough at his feet for Jacob to slip off. Kevin couldn’t help but look down, his stomach turning in nervousness as Jacob sat back up to level with his semi hard dick.

Jacob silently kissed it, Kevin biting his lip at the soft sensation his lips had on his cock, Jacob’s hand taking him and slowly pumping up his length to get him harder and Kevin felt the fear begin to melt into pleasure.

This time was so much different. There was time to think, time for him to say no even though he had absolutely no intention of saying it. Instead he used the time to admire Jacob. How gentle he was being, how cautious. Eyes connecting as Jacob sunk his lips over the tip, making Kevin let out a low breathy sound as his fingers curled up into the sheets.

“That’s good.” He muttered. Jacob quickly looked back up to him almost like a token of appreciation for the compliment before getting to work.

He was gentle, probably much more so than necessary as Kevin’s muscles began to contort with the need to feel more and more. Jacob’s tongue swiping up his length, a few times when Jacob completely pulled himself off of sucking Kevin’s dick the heinous popping sound made Kevin whine filthily as his cheeks turned red from the embarrassment. But Jacob loved that sound, so he kept doing it.

Kevin got lost in a string of moans and groans, letting his head fall back on the pillow as his hands dug into the sheets, but the feeling wasn’t good enough so they made their way to Jacob’s hair, pulling softly at the strands as Jacob hummed around his dick.

“Ah, shit Jacob. So good.” Kevin whined at the vibrations, Jacob pushing him further into ecstasy as he hollowed his cheeks around him, drawing his tongue flatly up from the base of his cock until he reached the top. Kevin moaned loudly, the grip in Jacob’s hair tightening as he didn’t want to lose that blissful feeling as Jacob’s mouth pulled away Kevin’s hips chased him. Jacob used his hands to push him back down onto the bed.

“Now, now.” He teased. Kevin felt flushed already as he let go of Jacob’s hair. It allowed the other boy to pull back a little, brushing his hair out of his face as he looked up to Kevin who was panting for his breath back.

“We don’t want you making a mess again.” 

The two of them laughed, even though it was embarrassing for Kevin to remember he still vividly recalled the time that literal dry humping was enough to make him cum, and now look where they were. Albeit not in ideal situations, but Kevin was ignoring that for as long as Jacob was willing too, also.

“You got any condoms? Lube?” He asked. Kevin’s drunken mind took far too long to realize what either of those things were as he mused over the words as if they were in some language he didn’t know before he finally answered.

“Um, maybe the bottom drawer- I swear I didn’t use them.” He had to throw that in at the end once more. It was his terrible attempt at saying he wanted to wait for Jacob. They both knew that was no longer the case, but Jacob simply hushed him once more before retrieving the articles.

Jacob returned, setting the bottle and unopened condom wrapper on the bed before he unbuttoned his own pants. It was only then that Kevin realized how hard Jacob was too, he sat up, pulling his feet towards the edge of the bed as Jacob suddenly froze, worried he was having second thoughts.

“Is everything okay?” He asked. Kevin’s eyes suddenly widened at the realization he could’ve made Jacob worried.

“Yeah it’s just uh- Should I- Can I... touch you?” His choice of words were almost wrong thanks to the lag in his brain, in all honesty he just wanted to get permission and show Jacob that this wasn’t all one sided anymore.

Jacob’s hands were stuck around the rim of his jeans.

“I mean. You can if you want to, you don’t have to.” 

“No, I want to.”

Kevin pulled himself so he was sitting like they were when this all began, his legs on either side of Jacob’s and his hands snaking to the material of his pants. Jacob removed his hands, letting Kevin do the work as he swallowed the apparent golf ball in his throat and pulled them down. He let gravity do most of the work, Jacob swooping down to steal a quick kiss to put Kevin’s mind at ease as he finally lowered his gaze. 

It may have been the alcohol but seeing Jacob naked for the first time ever was so much more exciting than he ever could’ve anticipated. How now he could see all of him and his mind wasn’t racing to worry about exposing too much skin. It was comfortable, Kevin’s eyes wandering over the other’s thighs, hands following tentatively, until eventually setting sight on Jacob’s dick as he wrapped a hand loosely around him.

He had no idea what felt good on others. Sure he had jacked off himself many times, but was it the same for Jacob? Even the angle was awkward, trying to adjust his grip around Jacob’s base as he began to move, Jacob sighed deeply through his nose and Kevin looked up to gage his reaction.

He was watching closely, tongue flickering out on the edge of his lips as Kevin played around to get his grip right. For his first time he assumed Jacob would be forgiving, the standing boy gently sighing at the touch as Kevin brought his lips to meet Jacob’s chest for added effect.

He kissed him all over, leaving slight red marks as he sunk his teeth in a few spots that he could. It certainly did wonders for Jacob who began to moan lowly, giving Kevin the confidence to speed up his strokes a little as he moved to Jacob’s nipples.

Taking one in his mouth he swirled his tongue around it. Earning an obscenity from Jacob’s beautiful voice he gently teased him with his teeth, tugging on his nipple before sucking on it more roughly.

“Oh fuck.” Jacob hissed, he pushed his hips against Kevin’s hand in a need to gain more friction but Kevin pulled back in worry.

“I’m sorry, was that too hard?”

Jacob caught his breath before looking down to Kevin. The boy’s eyes were wide, looking for Jacob on what to do next.

“No, I liked it. It’s just that maybe I’d prefer something else.” He put a hand to Kevin’s shoulder, gently pushing him back down onto the bed like they were before, except this time Jacob made a small stop to pick the bottle of lube up from the end of the bed on the way down.

They kissed once more, Kevin wrapping his arms around the other’s neck gently as he felt so relieved. Wow he wished he didn’t wait this long, he wished that the other circumstances didn’t happen, lord knows how much more fun they would’ve had by now if Kevin would’ve just given in in the first place.

Jacob pulled himself back to sit between Kevin’s legs. Breaking out of Kevin’s arms as he popped open the container and began to lather the gel on his fingers.

Kevin gulped nervously.

“It’s gonna hurt, if it’s too much then just tell me to stop, okay?” It was probably supposed to make Kevin feel less nervous, but it didn’t help that much.

“Okay.”

Jacob leaned down to press his lips against the inside of Kevin’s thigh. The soft and sensitive skin making Kevin melt into the sheets as he felt Jacob begin to prod his entrance, he took a deep breath to keep himself calm as finally Jacob pushed in with a single digit half way and made the boy whine.

It was nowhere as bad as Kevin made it out to be in his head. Jacob purred ‘good boy’ under his breath between Kevin’s legs as he continued to kiss the sensitive skin to reassure him. Soon he bucked his hips, giving Jacob indication to move as Kevin arched his back as Jacob delved deeper, almost hitting his prostate but not quite reaching it. He felt the heat in his stomach almost burning him from the inside out as chewed on his bottom lip, humming silently in pleasure as Jacob looked up to watch him.

Kevin was so pretty, lost in his own world as he focused only on the pleasure. Soon Jacob wanted to give him more, prodding another finger to join in Kevin groaned as it slipped in more easily than the first time and his fingers delved into the sheets to stabilize himself.

“Do you want me to stop?” Jacob paused, not moving a muscle as Kevin began to writhe and twist his hips in order to get going again.

“No, just keep going, please.” He groaned, and in a heartbeat Jacob was towering over Jacob connecting their lips in a passionate kiss as he finger fucked into Kevin’s ass.

He swallowed every messy and loud moan Kevin tried to make, the pleasure overloading him as he bucked his hips up and down to no rhythm at all and the base of Jacob’s hand cupped his balls for added friction. He wanted to moan out loud, release every whine pent up in his chest, cry and scream about how ruined he was feeling and it was all because of Jacob. Eventually he became so frustrated at how greedy Jacob was being keeping his moans for himself that Kevin bit onto his bottom lip to gain freedom from his mouth.

Jacob groaned loudly, fingers burrowing deeper into Kevin as his hips jolted upwards, the angle catching his prostate and making him moan loudly for just the two of them to hear as Kevin’s hand absent mindedly wandered down to his own dick to add to the pleasure.

“Does that feel good?” Jacob huffed breathlessly, getting easily swept away in how ruined Kevin was already as he purposely kept hitting him from the same angle. The boy choked on his cries, screwing his eyes shut as he began to see stars and feel the coil in his lower stomach so close to snapping that he couldn’t contain it anymore.

Then swiftly Jacob removed his fingers and Kevin seemed to lose all strength and flop to the bed.

In the time it took him to catch his breath back Jacob had already slipped the condom on and lubricated it with a few slick pumps of his own hand and the gel. He moved between Kevin’s legs, taking the boy’s ankles and guiding him to wrap them around his waist for comfort as he edged closer to almost lay on top of him.

“Are you ready?” He asked Kevin one last time. Kevin wrapped his arms around Jacob’s neck once more and nodded as a response.

He pushed in, the tightness causing them both to hiss and groan, it was uncomfortable and hot, especially for Kevin who felt tears prick at his eyes as he screwed them shut.

He felt Jacob planting kisses on his cheek, nudging him with his nose a little as he slowly came to hilt inside Kevin bit by bit, Kevin honestly enjoying the feeling of how slow and careful Jacob was being as he peppered him in small pecks all over.

“You’re so fucking pretty, Kevin. So beautiful.” He muttered, rolling his hips one time and making Kevin stutter out a dirty moan as he brought his hips up to meet him.

Jacob kept his movements short and slow, love making if you would say, as he didn’t want to hurt Kevin for his first time on the bottom but god, he felt so good around his dick. Kevin began to let out small whimpers, grappling his legs to hook higher around Jacob’s waist to lift his hips just a little more, desperate for that same angle they had before when Jacob was finger fucking him and Jacob realized what he was searching for.

Without warning Jacob thrust heavily once into him, knocking Kevin breathless as his nails dug into the other’s back, Jacob using the power in his thighs to balance himself against Kevin’s hips as he was so fucking deep in him he felt overwhelmed by pleasure.

“God, you feel so good.” Jacob complimented, earning another disgusting groan from Kevin as Jacob began to fuck into him a little faster.

Kevin’s eyes were closed, the endorphins coursing through his body making him feel on fire in the best way possible, every time Jacob fucked into him it was bliss and felt like he had died and gone to heaven. The only thing keeping even remotely grounded was the occasional low moan that escaped Jacob’s lips as he complimented the boy beneath him in the sweetest way possible, Kevin finally fluttered his eyes open to pull him into a kiss.

The light shade of red on Jacob’s cheeks showed Kevin how hard he was trying to maintain composure for him. Trying not to go too hard or too fast and Kevin felt emotionally overwhelmed by how much Jacob still seemed to care about him. He pulled him into a kiss, it was sweet and slow and Jacob quickly got lost into it as he rolled his hips heavily against Kevin’s.

“Mm, like that, keep doing it like that.” Kevin muttered against the others lips. The grinding motion paired with the angle felt perfect, scraping over his prostate in the most teasing way making Kevin go crazy as Jacob repeated the action over and over again and Kevin completely gave over to the feeling of being full with Jacob.

“Fuck, I’m gonna cum.” He cried in a whisper, the last time he muttered such a thing he felt like such an embarrassment, he felt ashamed and worthless but this time he felt so full of love and pleasure that it was almost happy to say such a thing.

“Cum for me baby, yes.” Jacob growled, moving his lips to Kevin’s ear to nibble on the lobe teasingly, making the boy writhe and whine even louder as he tried to buck his hips up but he was pretty much pinned down to the spot.

Jacob drove deeper, keeping the grinding movement as Kevin’s voice became lost in silent cries as his orgasm arrived. It was the most intense feeling he had ever experienced, hot liquid hitting his stomach seemed to reactivate his voice as he let out a long whine as his body began to shake. He tightened around Jacob, causing the boy on top to groan at the feeling as he picked himself up onto his hands to look down at Kevin properly.

He was spent, his hair stuck to his forehead as he gasped for breath. Chest rising and falling with flecks of white on it, it drove Jacob crazy to finally see him in such a beautiful way that he couldn’t control himself as he thrusted more erratically into Kevin to chase his own high. 

“A--Ah, Jacob.” Kevin whined, his hands grasping onto the other’s shoulders for leverage as he felt light headed from tiredness and alcohol and from being fully fucked out for the first time ever, but Jacob wasn’t finished yet. The boy let out a shuddered moan, biting on his lower lip as he felt himself edging closer as Kevin watched for his expression contorted and grimaced as he almost reached it. 

Kevin reached up to capture Jacob’s lips one last time. A hot kiss, one that pushed Jacob over the edge as he came inside the condom with one last deep thrust inside Kevin making them both cry out as their lips parted and Kevin’s head fell back onto the pillow. 

Jacob let himself drop onto his forearms, still hovering over Kevin’s sticky body as he let himself soften before pulling out. Both of them staring toward each other as they caught their collective breath with slight smiles on their face.

Happiness. This was happiness, Kevin felt.

Jacob reached down to remove the condom from himself, tying it up before sitting back on his heels and disposing of it. Kevin reached over for a packet of tissues he knew was left on the side table, but Jacob took them from his hands and cleaned him up himself.

Comfortable. Natural. This was meant to be, he thought.

Jacob groaned as he dropped down onto the bed, propping himself up on an elbow as he lay on his side. Kevin’s bed was far too small for them both to be comfortable on, but Kevin made it work by cuddling into Jacob’s chest and tangling their legs together.

“Damn, I wish I would’ve done this sooner.” He yawned tiredly. Honestly he barely recognized that the sentence came out of his brain and into the air. He thought it stayed inside his mind.

“Me too, Kevin.” Jacob replied to it. Letting the other boy fall asleep against his chest as he wrapped an arm around his waist, caressing the skin on his side softly.

“Me too.”


	17. Chapter 17

Somewhere between the drunken pillow talk and cuddling Kevin and Jacob had fallen asleep. They exchanged no more worries about what happened, or what Kevin thought in the past. Instead they talked about dumb class stuff and how Kevin got so drunk at the party that night.

_ ‘I asked Chanhee to tell me his secrets. And he said he would as long as I took shots with him’ Kevin hiccuped. _

_ ‘Ah that’s how he gets you. Don’t underestimate him, he may be tiny but he can drink like a sailor’. _

As the sun broke through into the quiet room the two continued to sleep in each other’s arms. Jacob’s hand caught in the tangled mess which was Kevin’s hair, Kevin’s arm draped over Jacob’s side. It was peaceful. Perfect. Just how both of them wished it could stay.

Until they had to wake up.

Kevin awoke first. Head throbbing with the worst hangover he had ever experienced so far in his young life. It hurt to open his eyes, even if he was facing away from the brightness of the window, he felt dizzy and sick. Dehydrated definitely as his mouth felt full of cotton balls and his throat full of sand. His vocal chords ached and for a moment he was confused as to why until he remembered everything about last night when he looked up at Jacob.

He slept soundly, hair falling over his eyebrows as his bottom lip hung open slightly. Kevin had never seen him like this before and it was almost breathtaking. How could he be so wonderful even while asleep?

He stared a little too long, a little too happy despite the headache and slight need to throw up. He had missed having Jacob in his arms, missed the feeling of him next to him, how his hands felt combed through his hair. He didn’t want to move; moving would mean leaving this current blissful moment and disturbing Jacob was the last thing he wanted to do as he continued to watch his chest rise and fall. 

But all dreams must turn into reality eventually.

Jacob stirred, making Kevin move back a little to give him space and even the slight movement sent blood rushing to his head, making him feel almost sea sick and close to vomiting. Jacob’s eyes opened in slight confusion to the black haired boy.

“Good morning.” Kevin muttered, closing his eyes half way as he brought a hand to his head in some vain attempt to make himself less dizzy.

Jacob furrowed his eyebrows, still confused except now also feeling the headache starting to pound in his mind, albeit not as badly as Kevin was currently experiencing.

“Good morning, what time is it?” He asked. Jacob’s voice was rough like gravel yet still somehow tinged with that sweet honey likeness that Kevin remembered.

The boy on the outside of the bed reached over to grab Jacob’s phone on the table beside them, clinging at his temple as the blood rushed to it and the movement made his stomach churn.

“I don’t know, like 9.30am?” Kevin hazard a guess. He passed Jacob the phone who unlocked it to double check.

“Shit, it’s 12.” Without warning Jacob jumped up from the sheets, Kevin immediately grimacing and squinting because the movements were far too fast and sudden for his hangover to handle. Jacob began to pick his clothes from last night up and put them back on.

“Hold your horses.” Kevin groaned, slowly bringing himself up to sit on the bed, he definitely had never felt this bad before in his life.

“You’re gonna make me throw up.” Kevin’s light sensitive eyes were doing their best to focus on Jacob who was basically fully dressed already. He had no idea why he was in such a rush on a Sunday afternoon. Could he not just stay a few more hours with him? Especially after last night?

“He’s going to kill me, I’m going to be so late.” Jacob muttered as he threw his jacket onto his shoulder, stuffing his arms in as he rooted through the pockets to make sure he had picked up everything scattered from last night.

“Wait,  _ he _ ?” Kevin’s mind was definitely not in the best of states. Fuzzy and hazed from drinking far more than he was built to handle, he curled the sheet up in front of him to cover his legs properly as he waited for an answer.

“Yes  _ he,  _ Kevin. My boyfriend.” Jacob spat a little, now missing that sweet undertone from just moments before. It was cold, reminding him of the circumstances which led them to the actions of last night.

“The one I cheated on last night with you.”

Kevin’s stomach sank. Now he was definitely going to throw up.

It did cross his mind last night. About how Jacob was technically not single anymore, about how perhaps telling him such things which led to them sleeping together could have impacted Jacob unfairly.

Even if they didn’t sleep together Jacob would have to live with the knowledge of knowing how much Kevin wanted him, and have to exist in the same friendship group knowing that he wasn’t going to get over him any time soon despite Jacob ‘already moving on’.

But he was drunk. And drunken Kevin was the bravest of them both, it seemed. He spoke what sober Kevin was too afraid of; he bared his heart on his sleeve which was something he was definitely too terrified to do now that the alcohol had down off. Still he was surprised that Jacob wasn’t even fighting. Did it mean nothing to him at all? Kevin felt his insides twisting with the uncomfortable agony of unanswered questions.

“You’re still gonna meet him, huh?” His voice perhaps a bit too brash for how he meant it but he was still hoarse from calling out Jacob’s name last night. A slightly embarrassing yet prominent reminder that clearly Kevin still cared at least.

“Well why not? It’s not like anything you said last night was true. You were probably just lonely, and I was stupid.” Jacob pulled his shoes on, spitting harsh words as if they inflicted no damage but Kevin was being torn into pieces.

Kevin felt tears prick at his eyes. Is that really what Jacob thought? Kevin was just drunk and lonely, clinging on to whoever just happened to be there?

...But with his track record with Chanhee spoke for itself apparently. That night he was lonely and drunk. He could see Jacob’s point even if it wasn’t true. He balled his fists up at his side.

“That’s not true.” His voice much lower than he wanted it to be, god why could he still not stand up for what he wanted? 

What was he so afraid of? The ‘worst’ was over he thought; they had made it through all of this just to come out of the other side. He didn’t care if Jacob wanted to run back to that other guy, he wanted him to stay.

“I wanted to-”

“Then prove it.” 

Jacob took a step closer to the bed once more. Kevin retreated slightly on the mattress as his back hit the headboard, he was puzzled by what Jacob meant.

Jacob stared; his eyes almost burrowing into Kevin’s as if he was digging for answers to what he was about to ask of him preemptively, but Kevin was unreadable in his confusion. Jacob gulped, a deep gulp which the other heard and it made him even more nervous.

“Tell me right now that you want to be with me. Tell me right now…” Jacob’s voice faltered and so did he body.

The dressed boy stumbled forward a little, hands catching the edge of the bed to steady himself as he looked desperate himself. Almost imploring Kevin to finally fucking do something for him as the meek boy simply stared back with an open mouthed expression.

“Tell me that we can really be together. If you can openly date me then I’ll break up with him. Just please…”

Jacob’s voice broke again, pain and anguish breaking through that barrier and tearing Kevin’s heart into shreds as the heavy reality began to dawn on him of what the ultimatum Jacob wanted from him was.

And he couldn’t do it. His mind whirred with a million excuses he had already told himself over the years. Those familiar lines engraved into his memory like a school play where he was forced to recite them over and over and commit them to memory. Too tied with his feelings of self-worth, his identity but who even was he if not for a fool who wanted nothing more than to see the man before him happy?

But he still. Couldn’t. Do. It.

“Give me a reason to break up with him.”

The air was silent and tense. Filled with every disgusting emotion swimming around Kevin’s stomach and mind as he felt his entire body heat up and make him feel even more sick and dizzy as he stared back at Jacob expecting an answer.

He felt a vice grip his throat, choking him, suffocating as parted his lips in some vain attempt to spit out the words he knew Jacob wanted to hear yet he felt physically unable to do it.

Did he not want it to? Last night he said he did… But wanting and being able to do something were two entirely different things and suddenly Kevin’s mind was on overdrive once more about how everyone would perceive him if he did it.

His parents. Would they be supportive? Maybe. But just bringing a guy home and announcing it. The thought itself was so paralyzing as it spun into much more than that. What about extended family? Even without the acceptance of his old friends, whom he had now cut off, there were still so many varying factors he couldn’t account for and Kevin hated diving in head first without the full picture present.

This boyfriend… He could already provide Jacob the exact same thing that Kevin wanted to offer… Without the added stress of worrying about if and when Kevin would be able to fully integrate Jacob into his every day life.

Maybe it was wrong to deny Jacob a better chance at happiness. 

He remained silent, but his face spoke volumes for Jacob.

Kevin gulped dryly and Jacob nodded in understanding, expression sinking as the reality of the situation sank in once more.

“Yeah. I thought as much.”

His hands peeled away slowly from the bed. Kevin wanted so badly to reach out and grab him but he was frozen to the spot. Eyes pleading for Jacob to stay and maybe give him a few more minutes to find his words so he could figure out what to do next. But Jacob was so tired of waiting. He had waited too long before.

It felt like water was filling the room, a tide pulling Jacob away from him and out of the door, the sound around him muffled by salt water and currents as he was sucked further down to the depth of the ocean never to see the light of day again.

Or in other words, Jacob.

It was only when the door clicked closed, signalling the end of everything, that Kevin burst into tears. Silent ones that streamed hot rivers down his cheeks, making his stomach muscles churn as his chest cavity concave breathlessly. He still couldn’t stutter out a single word. Not a single fucking word as he slumped down hopelessly into his bed, hands coming to cover his face as the feeling of hopelessness crashed over him and became unbearable alongside the headache now knocking violently his forehead. 

He cried himself into exhaustion, which wasn’t difficult since he was severely hungover, dehydrated and tired from the night before. He slept for maybe another hour, awakening only when his roommate returned by the click of the door opening and Kevin grasped his pillow to put over his head so he didn’t have to deal with them and face reality again.

That this time Jacob was definitely not going to come back to him.


	18. Chapter 18

A month passed in nothing but uncomfortable tension between the two. Kevin wouldn’t dare to show his face wherever Jacob was around, Jacob would leave whenever he heard Kevin was coming. It was so painfully obvious that their entire relationship had disintegrated into nothingness and even then some that the others had noticed too.

“Kevin just texted me to ask if Jacob is here.” Younghoon sighed as he put his phone down on the table. 

The three of them, Changmin, Chanhee, and Younghoon were all sitting in the cafe the latter worked at as usual. They had been waiting on Kevin, especially Chanhee since they had their final portfolio submission coming up, so upon hearing the news that Kevin might be getting cold feet about coming again he sighed in sheer annoyance and crossed his arms in a huff.

“I’m so sick of this. They can’t keep running circles around each other, what even gives? They were fine a month ago.” He ranted. Changmin sat quietly observing his best friend as he listened.

“I don’t know, even Jacob and his boyfriend broke up.” Younghoon mused, putting his finger to his chin as if it would aid his thinking.

“Ah, do you think they got back together, they’re just trying to be low key about it?” He clicked his fingers.

“No, I don’t think it’s that.” Answered Chanhee as he now brought a finger to his chin to think it over.

“Wait, what?” Changmin finally chimed in, the other two felt their hearts suddenly palpate when they realized their mistake.

“Kevin and Jacob dated?” 

Younghoon and Chanhee looked at each other in silence. They both totally had forgotten that Changmin had been unaware of this the entire time, they had always assumed he just knew apparently. Changmin slapped his hands on the table slightly to get their attention.

“None of you guys were gonna tell me!?” 

“It was a while ago-” Chanhee started.

“And Kevin wasn’t out yet-” Younghoon continued, the two of them weaving the story for Changmin to catch up quickly on.

“When they broke up they said they would still be friends-”

“So what did they break up for?” Changmin asked. Chanhee gulped heavily.

It caught the attention of Younghoon too, Chanhee’s sudden silence was unusual and everybody knew it.

“I guess Kevin  _ kinda  _ cheated on Jacob with me one time.” He mumbled it out so lowly as he pulled at the collar of his shirt. Younghoon’s lips fell open in shock.

“What? What do you mean  _ kinda _ ?”

“He said they had broken up!” Chanhee held his hands up, he seriously was feeling under fire right now for it.

“And you just jumped into bed with your friend’s ex?” Younghoon scolded.

“Who is also your friend-” Changmin added.

Chanhee made a loud noise in annoyance, yes he knew he was in the wrong but surely he wasn’t the reason they were acting so cold and avoidant right now.

“Yes, okay, I know I get it.” He tired out those usual lines as he rolled his eyes.

“But you’re forgetting the bigger picture, that was months ago. That means something new has happened now and we need to figure out what it is.”

The three of them sat in silence again as if they were plotting in their minds and coming up with theories.

“Whatever it is. They just need to talk it out.” Younghoon suggested. The other two boys hummed in agreement.

“That’s not a bad idea actually. Hey, Younghoon, give me your phone.” Chanhee said, not really asking as he snatched it from the table where he had left it to text Jacob and Kevin.

  
  


* * *

When Kevin got a text to meet Chanhee off campus to go over their final projects and portfolios he was uncomfortable. Ever since the night they slept together Kevin had done his best to avoid being left alone with Chanhee, not even out of respect for Jacob any more of course, but simply for himself.

But he also assumed it was because Jacob was at the cafe when he texted Younghoon asking about it. He felt bad for making the group fractured and suspicious. It was obvious that something major had happened after that night at the party. The two of them couldn’t even be in the same room together and it hurt Kevin just as much as it probably confused everyone else.

He fucked up. But he missed Jacob so much even if he knew that he didn’t really have a right to.

The cafe Chanhee wanted to meet at was a little over a thirty minute walk from the campus gates, on a pretty quiet street on the outskirts of their quaint college town, Kevin didn’t mind walking as the weather was fine as the season almost turned into summer. 

A whole year had almost already passed and Kevin never would’ve expected any of it to go this way. Being paired with Jacob in their first ever psychology project, falling for him, becoming lovers… All to their ultimate downfall, not just once but twice; both times extenuating from Kevin’s mistakes. His inability to take ownership, his lack of clarity. Jacob had helped him with so much over the past year and all Kevin had done was take take take from him. He didn’t deserve Jacob, he never did, but by god did he still crave and wish to be with him daily. No one had ever made Kevin feel this way before, even if it was all over now.

Reaching the cafe he checked the name of it against the text message once more before heading inside. He didn’t immediately see the tufts of pink hair signalling Chanhee’s existence, so he had to look around more closely. But as he did his heart faltered as he met a familiar pair of eyes he never expected to be here.

Jacob.

Was this some sort of joke? Kevin’s mouth ran dry as Jacob stared back at him from a table he was waiting at. Kevin had no idea what to do; did he leave? Approach him? Was he waiting for Chanhee too? Kevin foolishly approached Jacob, but as he did Jacob stood up cautiously.

“What are you doing here?” Jacob asked first. It almost caught Kevin off guard; the edge to his tongue hurting in ways he was sadly familiar with now. Kevin gawped a little before answering.

“I got a text saying Chanhee wanted to meet me here.” 

“If this is your idea of some sort of joke- If you wrangled the others in on this-” Jacob couldn’t even finish his sentences as he grew more annoyed that it was apparent he had been played somehow. And he was completely expecting it to all be coming from Kevin.

“What? No. Seriously look-” Kevin half panicked as he pulled his phone from his pocket. Showcasing the message to Jacob that was sent from Younghoon’s phone.

_ Chanhee said meet him at xx cafe today instead if it’s too much trouble to come here. - Younghoon. _

Jacob vocally hissed in annoyance and pulled his phone out too.

“Looks like they plotted this entire thing to get us together.” He sighed as he showed Kevin his text, from Chanhee’s number, asking him to meet at the cafe too. Kevin felt his chest tighten. Did the others realize what had happened between them? In one way he wanted to be thankful but in another he was worried about how obvious it must have been between them all this time.

Jacob sighed loudly, turning back to his table to grab his bag and slinging it over his shoulder as he got ready to leave.

“I’m gonna kill Chanhee, he’s probably out there acting innocent-” He muttered partially under his breath. But Kevin saw the opportune moment to patch things up and took it.

“Wait before you go… Can I at least buy you a drink?” 

* * *

Jacob had no idea why he said yes. Especially when the first ten minutes of them sat at the same table together passed in the most awkward silence. Only broken by Kevin jumping up with a ‘I’ll get it’ when their drink order was called before returning to the silence once more. It was agonizing, stagnating. Kevin coughed quietly and Jacob glanced but the moment their eyes connected both of them looked away once more. It was literal torture to Kevin.

“I don’t think this was a good idea-” Jacob sighed finally, he placed his palms heavily on the table and slowly dragged himself to his feet and automatically Kevin reached out a hand to stop him.

“No wait stop-” He called a little too loudly, but by this point he was past caring and Jacob looked around to see if anyone was staring at their sudden scene, slowly sitting back down once more.

“We’ve been through this before Kevin.” He complained, now raising a hand to his temple in annoyance. He really didn’t want to look at the other, feeling that if he did so he would be pulled back in somehow. He had heard all of the excuses, he had grown so tired of them over the past year he didn’t want to listen anymore and continuously break his own heart about how impossible it seemed to be happy with Kevin.

“I don’t want to listen to your excuses anymore.”

“Then how about I just explain it all.” Kevin offered and finally Jacob looked up at him with seriousness. 

There was something different about Kevin today. A stronger will, he supposed, or something else. Maybe it was being off campus, away from everyone he knew and it was just them; Kevin always worked best when it was just the two of them but even that had its limitations in the past.

But as he looked at Kevin now there was some odd form of certainty radiating from him that maybe now he would finally be able to talk without it getting stuck in this throat.

“Okay.” Jacob agreed.

And so Kevin talked. He talked about how in high school his friends made it impossible to feel comfortable with the ideation of being gay. How they tortured others for it, and over the period of time he convinced himself that the harder he rejected it that eventually he would stop feeling those feelings which spiked anxiety in his chest and made him hyper aware of every venomous word anybody had ever said to him. How the fear of judgement leaked into every aspect of his life, pushing beyond the walls of his comfort making him pull those walls even closer leaving him trapped in a tiny space where nobody could see inside. It was suffocating, but it was the only comfort that he knew.

_ “But then I met you” _

_ “That’s so cliche.” Scoffed Jacob, but he couldn’t hide the flattered laugh in his throat. _

_ “I know. But it happened so naturally between us that I didn’t really have time to fight my feelings. It was only when they became apparent that I remembered all the fear I instilled in myself in the past.” _

Jacob hated to say he understood, but he did. Nearly every LGBT person had suffered in one form or another, if not from family or friends then from literal strangers on the street or the oppression of their government. People coped with that in many different ways. Assimilating into heteronormativity for the rest of their lives. Kevin explained that was precisely what he had always planned to do, he had convinced himself it was the only option he had since he never saw himself ever being comfortable in a relationship with another man. The thought of being perceived as something he had fought so hard against all of those years, the walls around him crumbling and leaving him open and vulnerable. It terrified him beyond belief that there was no other way to live without feeling half empty for the rest of his life.

“I honestly did try with you, Jacob. Really I did.” Kevin’s hands had been clutched around his drink so tightly this entire conversation that Jacob would’ve been worried about him burning his hands if Kevin had not ordered a cold drink for a change.

Jacob nodded in acknowledgement, a small smile on his lips as he did so.

“I know you did. It just wasn’t the best timing I guess.” He offered in consolation. Kevin smiled bitterly.

“Yeah. I’m sorry I dragged you through a mess I was still trying to figure out. It was selfish of me to do that.”

He wanted so bad to rectify it all right now he wanted to ask for another chance, to show Jacob that he had changed. But Kevin knew that if he jumped too soon into it once again it would only backfire. He had to learn how to be patient still; now by will and not forced circumstances. So he did the next best thing and offered his friendship.

The two stared a little too long at each other, Jacob wondering how they could move forward from this; what Kevin wanted. Kevin gulped once more, finally unfurling his fingers from his cup and placing his hands on the table softly.

“Even if it’s over between us, I still want to be friends. Can we?”

Jacob felt the shield he had placed around his heart crack. A genuine attempt from Kevin to get back on track; acknowledgement that they were in fact lovers. Maybe there was some sort of hope after all between them. No matter what form it took place in. 

“I’d like that.”

  
  
  



	19. Chapter 19

They finished up quickly in the cafe, no longer needing to linger around since they were getting along on better terms now. Kevin now transferring his irritation to Chanhee lying about meeting him here since he had lugged his entire portfolio work with him and then some. The heavy, large sized canvas bag hung heavily off his shoulder as he jerked it around trying to balance it against the crevice of his neck. Jacob watched him struggle for a moment before reaching a hand out to help.

“Here, give me it.” His hand slipped under the strap around Kevin’s shoulder in an attempt to pull the bag towards him, but Kevin stumbled slightly to pull it back.

“No it’s fine- I’ve got it.” He huffed playfully, Jacob almost took offense until he saw the determined smirk on Kevin’s lips. He teasingly pulled at the strap once more.

“Are you Mr. Big-strong man now that you admitted we actually dated?” Jacob teased him, Kevin lowered his brow in confusion before laughing a little.

“What do you mean?”

Jacob once again reached under the strap of Kevin’s bag, not exactly pulling on it as he toyed with the material, letting it scratch along his fingers as on the other side traced over the exposed portion of Kevin’s shoulder. Such a slender touch should mean absolutely nothing but Jacob had found himself missing it.

“It’s just that in our entire, what? Four months? We were together I don’t think I ever heard you actually admit that we were dating.” 

Kevin felt the rouge hit his cheeks in embarrassment as he realized Jacob was probably right. Avoiding a label in many aspects made handling the entire thing easier for Kevin but he supposed now that was the wrong way to do it. 

“Ah yeah.” He laughed off sheepishly. Jacob grinned back in silent laughter as he removed his finger from the bag strap and instead slowly pulled it down Kevin’s arm. The two of them enjoyed the feeling much more than they both would care to admit.

“That must have been frustrating, sorry.” 

“No biggie.” Jacob shrugged off, finally letting his hand fall back to his own body. Kevin couldn’t help but follow it as he instantly wished for the touch back. It definitely didn’t go unnoticed either.

Kevin seemed to have come to terms with a lot, at least in regards to physical touch in public. He couldn’t help but remember the times Kevin would literally pull away from Jacob whenever he tried to hold his hand or touch his face. Talking so openly about it before must have put to rest so many demons in his mind about the entire thing, Jacob could see that now very clearly.

“Besides. It’s a fresh start now, right?” He reached his hand back out to capture Kevin’s to test the waters, pushing the boundary probably a little more than he should as  _ friends _ . Kevin barely flinched, letting Jacob’s palm meet his own letting the other’s thumb brush against him in a soothing manner. He knew he shouldn’t push it too far, it would only hurt both of them in the end, so he let his hand drop once more back to his own body as they continued to walk next to each other.

“I’m just glad to see you’re finally getting more comfortable with yourself, is all.” He finished on a positive note. Kevin felt his chest expand in happiness. His progress was visible, a thing he never even considered a possibility in the past and now that he heard Jacob comment on it… He actually felt pretty proud of himself. 

He couldn’t wipe the smile from his face at the compliment, and it was apparent as Jacob began to laugh lightly at just how happy those words seemed to make his ex-lover.

“Hey-” An unfamiliar voice called from behind them and the dark tone of it struck worry into both of the boys’ chests. Jacob was the only one who turned around, seeing three older men follow them from a few feet behind.

“What are a couple of faggots like you doing out here, huh? In these streets?” 

Jacob closed his mouth from the gaping ‘o’ shape that it was and glanced back to Kevin. He was as white as a ghost, jaw clenched tightly as he continued to slowly walk forward. If Jacob was currently terrified he couldn’t even imagine how Kevin might be feeling too.

“Hey didn’t you hear me? I said what’s a couple of  _ homos _ doing out here? Looking for pimps? Trying to sell your ass?” The singular guy in the three of them was jeering as the other two simply stayed quiet. Their silence spoke bounds as they allowed their friend to continue. Jacob turned half way back to look at Kevin properly while still keeping an eye out.

“Just keep walking, don’t engage.” Jacob muttered under his breath so nobody other than Kevin could hear them. It took everything in Jacob’s power not to reach over and try to comfort Kevin. He knew that would make it worse.

Kevin was tense, his shoulders were raised and his heart was beating so fast he could hear it in his ears. He was so afraid to even look anywhere that wasn’t directly forward as his legs began to shake and he worried that he wouldn’t be able to make it back to the campus in one piece. Jacob could see it too, he tried to keep a brave face as the man behind them began to shout more obscenities.

_ ‘Fucking wannabe women, gay prostitues, holes’  _ each more degrading than the last as Kevin’s lip began to quiver with every worry he ever had in his life mounted up in his mind. Jacob slowly released a pent up breath, prompting Kevin to do the same.

“Hey- I’m talking to you! Don’t ignore me!” Anger seeped from the man’s voice from behind them, making Kevin visibly jump in response to it as Jacob panicked and looked over to Kevin to check he was okay.

It was bad timing, terrible timing. As Kevin looked back it was slightly too late to do anything other than watch as a fist connected with the back of Jacob’s head. Kevin stunned and frozen to the spot as all he could do was watch the other tumble to the ground in instant pain.

“Jacob-!” His throat was tight as he let out a strangled cry but still he remained glued to the ground he stood on. 

The grown man previously shouting slurs was on top of Jacob, fists flying as they connected with various parts of his body; his arms, his head, his chest. Jacob tried in vain to protect himself, hands covering his face but ultimately he was defenseless as the other guy was much bigger than him in many aspects, the punches cutting into his features and marking his skin with blood and bruises.

“Get off him- what are you doing!?” Kevin’s fight or flight response kicked in, and at any other given time he may have ran away from this knowing that Jacob was taking the brunt of it had the black haired boy lunging forward in an attempt to help him.

He pulled at the guys arm, taking an elbow to the ribs as he did so which knocked him back and winded him. Still he persevered, his senses shutting off as he tried his best to save Jacob from the violent attack.

It felt useless,  _ he  _ felt useless. So weak in comparison to everyone around him, and it wasn’t until the guy’s friends intervened by pushing Kevin aside and dragging their friend away from the scene did Kevin even get a look at Jacob on the ground. It all happened so fast that he could barely comprehend it, barely even take in details of the faces that caused this incident as all he could see was the red seeping out of his lips and the cut to his cheek.

“Jacob, oh my god-” He fell to his knees in front of the other. Jacob lay still, clutching at his face with his eyes closed tightly. He had no idea if it was over or not, the pain still remained prominent and it took him a few moments to realize that the hands on his body were no longer trying to hurt him but help as he heard Kevin sobbing.

“Are you okay? Can you open your eyes? Jacob, look at me.” He pleaded breathlessly. Jacob slowly did what he was told, barely able to open his left eye due to the bruising already forming from the swelling around it, his breath shaky and unsteady as he tried to sit up slowly but ultimately couldn’t do it alone.

“We need to get you to a hospital, wait.” Kevin thought fast, pulling his phone from his jacket pocket and dialing for an ambulance.

* * *

Kevin had never ridden in an ambulance before, and at this rate he never wanted to do it again. His heart was racing faster than the sirens as the paramedics placed him in the seat next to Jacob who lay on the trolley bed. He couldn’t take his eyes off him, scared that something might happen and he’d miss it if he did. The paramedic did their job; asking Jacob questions about himself as they monitored their blood pressure and oxygen levels. Kevin stayed silent, for a brief moment Jacob managed to sneak a look at him past the paramedic’s body and Kevin’s heart broke.

He was tired, in pain. They gave him a shot of something and a few minutes later Jacob’s eyes rolled back as if his body was forcing him to relax and Kevin felt the ache in his chest fade slightly.

However when they arrived at the hospital it was a different story.

“You can’t go in with him, you’re not family.” A nurse stopped him at the door of the emergency room. Kevin’s soul lunged forward in an attempt to follow Jacob as he was being wheeled down the hall and towards the department bay.

“What? I was there when it happened! I saw the whole thing I-” He argued emotionally, clearly it took a toll as he could barely hold back the tears anymore and the nurse shushed him when they noticed.

“I know, and we’ll have to ask you a few questions soon. But policy still stands: Family members only. I’m sorry.” 

Kevin was left at the door in frustration, hands running through his hair as he had no idea what to do. He couldn’t leave, could he? Not without knowing Jacob was okay first. But they wouldn’t even let him see him, let alone give him the information. Should he contact Younghoon? Chanhee? Changmin? What would any of them be able to do? Would they be mad at him for not calling them sooner? He had no idea what to do.

He wandered into the waiting room, even though he couldn’t see Jacob they couldn’t stop him from waiting around until he came out. It seemed like he sat there forever before the mindless chatter on the TV and the other patients waiting to be seen started to drive him crazy and he pulled his phone out. Clicking Younghoon’s contact details, he just needed to talk to somebody right now and get everything off his mind.

_ ‘You got attacked?’  _

_ ‘No j-just Jacob. He’s- We’re in the hospital now.’ _

_ ‘How is he?’ _

_ ‘I don’t know, they won’t let me see him- He was okay in the ambulance.’ _

_ ‘Did you call his parents?’ _

_ ‘No- can you? I-I don’t have his phone so-’ _

_ ‘Yeah, don’t worry. Just… Calm down Kevin, you did the right thing.’ _

_ ‘Did I? Because I feel so useless right now, I couldn’t do anything to stop them.’ _

_ ‘No one would have expected you to, Kevin. What matters if you got him to the hospital. So just let them take care of him now.’ _

Younghoon was so good with his words sometimes. He always knew what to say. Too bad it didn’t help Kevin too much as the anxiety of waiting for Jacob seemed to be taking its toll on him. He felt sick, he felt weak and useless even though just like Younghoon said there was nothing else he could’ve done.

Was this entire thing not his fault? From first meeting Jacob to stringing him along. They wouldn’t have been in that stupid cafe in the first place if it wasn’t for him. If he could’ve just been honest with himself this entire time then this wouldn’t have happened.

He loved Jacob. So much right now that the thought of not being with him was killing him.

He hung his head in his hands, letting tears silently fall until there were none left and his body ran dry and empty.

He just wanted to see Jacob. He wanted to know if he was okay.

“Jacob Bae?” He heard a woman’s voice in the room. Kevin was so hyper focused on everything related to the boy he loved that he easily picked it out of all the static in his head.

He looked up, seeing two figures who could only be described as as Jacob’s parents at the reception desk near him, Kevin couldn’t contain himself as he jumped up and ran over to them.

“I’m so sorry- I was with him and- and I just got so scared I didn’t know what to do. I tried to get them off of him I’m sorry-” He babbled through a cry, his voice exasperated and tired emotionally. Jacob’s parents stared at him in worry, not knowing who this child was or what he was talking about specifically but luckily for them all a nurse escort arrived to intervene.

“Mr and Mrs. Bae?” They asked. Kevin’s attention was diverted too to the nurse standing at the side, they looked Kevin up and down one more time.

“It’s Kevin, isn’t it?” They asked. Kevin gulped nervously and nodded. Was he in trouble for waiting around when he wasn’t family?

The nurse looked at him kindly before looking back to Jacob’s parents.

“You were there when it happened, right? You called the ambulance.”

“Yeah- I- I was.” 

Suddenly there was a hand on Kevin’s shoulder. He looked to the side to see Jacob’s father gripping onto him lightly as if to support him.

“What were you doing at the time when you were attacked?”

“We were… Just walking.” He gulped nervously. He thought about the moments leading up to it. How Jacob held his hand, how good it felt to have that contact again. Did those guys see it? Is that why they started following them? Looking back at it now that could be why and he hurt his head.

“Just minding our own business and then there’s guys started shouting and-”

“It’s okay.” Jacob’s father squeezed his shoulder a little and Kevin instantly turned silent. It was an odd comfortable sensation, like a father should feel when they’re calming down their child, even if Mr. Bae didn’t know Kevin at all; it still felt like that.

“You did you best. Thank you for looking after him.”

The nurse took the hint, smiling closed-mouthed at Kevin before showing Jacob’s parents to the room where their son was waiting to be assessed. Once again Kevin reached the boundary off the door, pausing as he knew he wasn’t allowed to cross it and even Jacob’s parents looked back at him unsurely as to why he was no longer following them. 

“What’s your relationship with the patient?” The nurse asked.

“I’m… His boyfriend.” 


	20. Chapter 20

It was a week later before Jacob returned to college. His parents convinced him to go home first to rest properly after the incident. Every day Kevin worried anxiously about him even though Jacob updated them daily in the group chat. He still felt guilty. No longer about what happened but now he couldn’t physically be there to make Jacob feel better. He refrained from texting him personally, no matter how much his fingers and soul ached to do it. Would that be pushing the friendship they were trying to rekindle? Kevin already overstepped that boundary when he called himself Jacob’s boyfriend to the nurse who asked about what happened.

Why the fuck did he do that anyway? 

It didn’t make him family; he was still unable to see him in the hospital. Did it make the story more credible? Because it was a homophobic attack? Or was it because he so desperately craved to be called that again that now when finally given the choice on what to be to Jacob he automatically jumped at the chance.

Either way he felt stupid once he left the hospital for saying it, but he buried it deep down in a placed that would probably only be remembered sixty years from now on his death bed. Not to mention Jacob still had a boyfriend to Kevin’s knowledge. It could’ve made Jacob worried if somebody mentioned about his boyfriend showing up to the hospital but in reality it was just Kevin pretending to be him. It was definitely a stupid move on his part.

  
  


Going to class he made sure his psychology notes were extra diligent. Even though it was towards the end of the year he knew that Jacob would still appreciate the effort he made for him. 

“Hey Kevin, Jacob’s back.” Chanhee greeted him outside of the lecture hall as he exited it. It had become a habit by now; Chanhee waiting for him. Kevin had come to terms with the fact that maybe not  _ everything _ Chanhee did was self indulgent. After all he was the one who tried to get Jacob and Kevin to work it out between them, and actually they did before things turned sour on that day. 

“Oh- He is?” Kevin’s heart skipped a beat as he tried to hide the visceral effect those words had on him.. He felt a flurry of emotions overwhelm him with that knowledge. Happiness to see Jacob again, nervousness to see him… Relief too, for sure, Kevin had almost been taken over by the anticipation of Jacob coming back and surely it was obvious.

“Ugh, you’re so transparent.” Chanhee rolled his eyes with a smirk tugging at his lips. Kevin stared blankly waiting for an explanation.

“It’s so obvious you’re still pining over him, aren’t you going to say hello? Changmin said he’s in the dorm right now.”

Kevin felt heat hit his cheeks as he tried to cover it up.

“What? No I uh- I’m really busy right now-”

“With what? We handed in our portfolios the other day, you have plenty of free time.” 

There was seriously no sneaking past Chanhee today it seemed. Kevin let out a nervous laugh as the door slowly wandered down the hallway with nowhere in particular to go. They managed to kill an hour of small talk until they showed up to their joint fine arts class. 

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Even though he knew to expect Jacob in class the next day his heart still stopped when he saw him appear in the doorway. His left cheek was still red and scratched but it was nothing compared to the day when it happened. His eyebrow had healed, there was a slight bruise to his temple and if his arms were bruised Kevin would have no way of knowing since Jacob opted to wear a long shirt despite the warm weather outside.

Kevin sat in their usual spot. A spot which even up until this day had dictated the parameters of their relationship. When they first met they sat one seat away from each other. When they dated they were next to each other and when they broke up they sat in completely different spots in the classroom. Kevin gulped as Jacob set eyes on him as he wandered slowly up the stairs of the lecture hall.

Only to sit one spot away from him.

He held in his smile, that wasn’t  _ bad  _ news. But also Jacob didn’t exactly greet him with open arms or an enthusiastic smile back either. Was he angry? Angry that Kevin was technically the reason the attack happened in the first place? Angry that he didn’t try harder to stop it? Or to contact him after it happened? Kevin’s mind was powering into overdrive as the professor walked into the class. Kind of like a saving grace because at least for the next hour and a half he could mindlessly focus on their dreary voice instead of whatever thoughts he was having.

“Kevin.” Jacob’s voice was a little raspy and low as he called out for him quietly as the class started. Kevin’s eyes darted over to look at Jacob.

“Let’s talk after class.”

...Maybe Kevin couldn’t focus after all.

The class went agonizingly slowly after that. Kevin was unable to think of anything else other than Jacob’s words to him; his leg bounced anxiously under the desk almost the entire lecture that by this point Kevin was starting to make himself sea sick.

As the class began to file out Kevin slowly packed up his bag, watching Jacob with cautious eyes as he too packed up a little too slowly for his usual pace. He probably was lingering back to make sure Kevin didn’t try and make a run for it somehow. But finally the two of them exited the classroom and headed down to another hallway which was a little more quiet.

Kevin was building it up in his mind what it could be. He was obviously angry, he hadn’t spoken a word since they left the classroom and parted ways from everyone who could possibly eavesdrop on them. Kevin picked at the skin on his fingers and waited for Jacob to say something.

But as Jacob turned around Kevin’s voice was like a starting bullet; he just couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“I’m sorry!” He burst out. Jacob looked at him with wide eyes as he waited for an explanation.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come and visit you yesterday when Chanhee told me you were back. I’m sorry I never messaged you outside the group chat to see if you were okay, I just assumed you hated me because I was there when it happened and I didn’t get injured, and I couldn’t stop it and then I couldn’t even be with you at the hospital and-”

“Whoa, whoa okay, calm down.” Jacob shushed him, physically reaching out to grab Kevin’s forearms as the boy worked himself up to the point where the lines on his forehead were prominently showing.

Kevin took a deep breath in, one like he had just been held underwater for five minutes.

“I don’t blame you.”

“What?” Kevin coughed, it’s almost like he could taste residual salt water in the back of his throat.

Jacob let go of the other’s arms, letting Kevin’s body relax as his expression didn’t change as he stood in confusion.

“I said; I don’t blame you.”

“You don’t?”

“Nah.” Jacob huffed as he shrugged his shoulders. “People will always be assholes. Some more than others but what I do want to know is…”

Kevin’s heart stopped once more as now he had no idea what to expect from him.

“Is why you told my parents and the nurse why you were my boyfriend that night.”

Alarms were ringing in Kevin’s head. Oh no, he fucked up again. Before the friendship even got a chance to start he had already fucked up and now Jacob was going to completely tear him a new one. He knew he shouldn’t have done that.

“Ah well-” He stalled. Jacob came to cross his arms impatiently across his chest and the action caused a lump to appear in Kevin’s throat as he spat through it.

“I guess in the heat of the moment I wasn’t thinking.” He half lied. Surely in the moment he wasn’t thinking it through but the truth was calling himself Jacob’s boyfriend could definitely do more harm than good. As it was certainly being proven now.

“God you’re so full of it.” Jacob scoffed. Kevin was taken aback by the tone.

“Excuse me?”

“Even after everything we’ve been through you still can’t tell me the truth. So why is it when I’m not around you can say such things but not to my face?”

“I want to!” Kevin retaliated quickly, catching Jacob a little off guard by it. 

“I want to be able to say I’m your boyfriend, call you mine, date you again-” He groaned in sheer annoyance at himself that it took him this long to say it. It took Jacob getting into a serious relationship and getting seriously injured for him to admit just that he wanted to be with him.

“But what does that matter now, it’s too late isn’t it?” His voice tailored away so quietly at the end that it caused it to crack.

This confession was far too late in his mind to be worth it now.

“Too late?” Jacob cocked his head and arched an eyebrow at Kevin.

“Yeah? You've got a boyfriend now and there’s nothing I can do about that so.” 

Jacob stared, biting his tongue inside his mouth as he debated whether to tell him. Kevin took the silence as defeat. Jacob had gotten his answer as to why he said it. Kevin turned on his heels and took a few steps away, fully planning to run back to his room for the rest of the day and pretend that he didn’t exist.

But as he parted a few steps from the scene Jacob’s voice beckoned for him back.

“We broke up.”

Kevin turned around so fast he almost gave himself whiplash.

“You what?” He retraced his steps to step directly in front of Jacob once more.

“When? Why?”

“After that night we slept together. I told him I cheated on him and he broke up with me. It was to be expected, honestly.” He allowed the words to spill so easily from his mouth that Kevin almost had a hard time believing him. But why would Jacob lie about such a thing?

He stared harder, checking for lies or deceit anywhere in Jacob’s eyes but as always he was up front and honest with Kevin all the time. Kevin felt his mouth run dry and his mind burst with more questions.

“Why did you never tell me?” It was practically a whisper as his voice buckled under the pressure of needing to know the answer instantly.

“Because I knew if I told you…” Jacob looked down, for once in his life appearing meek and shy before Kevin.

“You would just try and worm your way in again. And I’d just give into you. Like I always do.”

Kevin saw it as an open invitation. Jacob had given him many of them before and each time Kevin was too stupid or terrified to take them. But this time he felt different. Jacob couldn’t look up. He had fully thrown the ball into Kevin’s court as he waited for a reply from him which came prefaced by a small cough which made his eyes flicker up to Kevin who suddenly looked spritely and on top of the world.

“So… Can I?”

Jacob tilted his face unsurely.

“Can you… What?”

“Can I call you mine?”

“Kevin.”

Jacob took another step forward, effectively closing the gap between them.

“If you want to go out with me, you know what you have to do.”

  
  
  



	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short, sweet ending to finish it off~

After a year which felt like it would never end, Kevin was finally back home in his bed. He missed it. The comfy mattress and his usual pillows. He had forgotten what real comfort felt like outside of those cardboard box beds his college used in the dorms. Since arriving home a week ago he had barely left it, because honestly he didn’t have a need since none of his friends lived in this place anymore, he had no reason to go outside.

He had remained cut off from everyone he knew in high school. None of them had even shown up to his home despite knowing where he lived and honestly? Kevin was at peace with that.

The only thing that could beat his comfortable bed was the thought that going back to college after summer vacation was over to meet everybody he had met over the past year. Jacob, Younghoon, Chanhee, Changmin. Even Younghoon’s roommates Juyeon and Hyunjae were added into the main group chat with them all since everybody always had so much fun with them at the parties. 

When he first arrived home he was nervous; so much about him had changed, what if his parents said something? Could they notice? Kevin definitely felt too big for this small town all of a sudden, like a fish out of water, but thankfully all his parents commented on was just how happy and healthy he looked when they picked him up.

He lay in his bed, phone plugged into the charger at the side of him making it awkward for him to be comfortable but also he didn’t care too much as he texted into the group chat. Everybody was talking about how strange it felt to be home after so long living on campus. He was thankful he wasn’t the only one feeling that way now too.

His friends. The people who had shown him over the course of a year that he truly was not only in anything he had to do, or had been through. Even if they didn’t have personal experience with whatever troubled or bothered him they helped him work through it. Younghoon was definitely good at advice, whereas Chanhee was very tough love. Changmin usually was optimistic about everything and able to point out the good in a bad situation and Jacob…

Jacob was still his everything at the end of the day. The one who gave him the most support, the one who knew exactly what he needed to hear and how to do it.

As he lounged around trying to find the most comfortable position his mom called him to help set the table for dinner. He responded with a ‘coming’ before texting his friends he had to go, pulling his phone from the charger and putting it into his pocket as he ran down the stairs to help out.

His mom’s cooking was definitely something he missed. The aromatic smell filled his senses as he made it to the living room, sliding into the kitchen on his socks like some excited teenager as he began to set the table.

His stomach was rumbling from nerves and hunger. Today was a special day for him, after all.

He set the spaces up, perfectly aligning the cutlery which honestly he didn’t care too much about perfectly but he knew his mom would appreciate the effort. Next he moved onto helping her place the prepared food on the table, tidying up the leftovers and stains on the counters and before he knew it thirty minutes had passed and he had broken into a small sweat. But still his guest hadn’t arrived yet. It wasn’t like him to be so late. He pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the time.

_ Jacob _

_ I’m outside. _

Kevin snapped his neck towards the door. The message was sent fifteen minutes ago and he didn’t hear the doorbell ring? Why didn’t Jacob knock or call again?

Cautiously he walked towards the door, making sure his parents didn’t notice him slip away as he still wanted some element of surprise.

He opened it carefully, sliding his thin body out onto the porch and holding the door closed over behind him and sure enough there was Jacob standing nervously waiting on the step with his phone in his hands.

“What are you doing? Didn’t you knock? How come you’re just standing outside?” Kevin questioned him. Jacob’s Bambi eyes made his heart skip a beat as Jacob shoved his phone back in his pocket and stared back at Kevin.

“I’m nervous.”

It was so endearing Kevin thought he might melt on the spot. The way Jacob's voice shook as he bit into his lip. Kevin stared in awe at how openly vulnerable Jacob was being and it was inspiring to say the least. Everything Jacob showed Kevin inspired him to try a little harder.

Seeing how Jacob stood, moving from foot to foot in a slight sway displaying his nerves enough to know that Kevin needed to be brave for him for a change. He reached out, taking Jacob’s hand in his own and squeezed it firmly to send him some reassurance.

“Don’t be.” He smirked. Jacob gulped visibly as he tried his best to plaster a polite smile on his face for Kevin.

“They’re gonna love you.”

They stood on the porch for a few more minutes, Kevin reminding Jacob to take a few deep breaths, which honestly he needed to do himself too because this was probably the most nerve wracking day of his life. He even managed to make Jacob laugh albeit quietly as neither of them wanted for his parents to come out onto the porch when they had planned the surprise in the first place.

He finally reopened the door, pulling Jacob inside with him as they both stood at the entrance. The click of the door as he closed it alerted his parents there was somebody there, and they assumed it was Kevin since he had been gone a few minutes and they both came out into the living room to see what was happening.

“Mom, dad.” Kevin looked at them both in the face with a bright smile. The happiest and most nervous he had ever been mixed into one moment. 

He felt Jacob squeeze his hand tighter, a reminder that  _ he could do this _ as he quickly glanced at Jacob who confirmed he could with a visible nod.

“This is my boyfriend, Jacob.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> andddd that's it :) moonbae happy ending, after all the suffering they went through. I am always a sucker for a happy ending <3 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it! And thank you to everyone who read/ kudos'd / left comments, you guys are my world it makes me happy to read them all! 
> 
> I'm going to take maybe a week long break before I get to posting my next fic! Of which I'll be running a poll on what I should write, you can vote on [my twitter](https://twitter.com/connahquay) when I post it some time soon! 
> 
> Thank you once again for reading <3

**Author's Note:**

> fyi i'm gonna keep throwing this on here, if anyone wants to be friends on twt i made a twt related to the stuff i wanna post on AO3 [click here](https://twitter.com/connahquay)


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